I would consider that about 1.5 years ago I was at the highest point in my life. I had finally opened up to people after a long period of introvertism and isolation, I had made a lot more new friends and I was genuinely happy about my life. I even managed to start my first relationship with another girl so everything was great.
But after like 2 months into my relationship with the girl I started to feel something weird. I was of course happy with her but there was always a weird feeling after our dates and it only grew stronger every day. She was the person that I loved the most but I soon realised that she never loved me back. I would always compliment her and try to make her happy but she acted like she didn't care about me in the slightest. Eventually this started to drive me mad and I was paranoid about her dumping me and wouldn't you know, she actually did. After this point my life started to go down hill.
The breakup happened in the summer last year and during it I also began to lose contact with most of my previous friends and my first deprresion wave started. I had a summer job and there I confessed to a girl around my age who was very kind to me because I desperately wanted for someone to love me but was unsuccesful. In autumn I had my first suicidal thoughts but my best friend that I spent most of my time with drove me away from that idea for a while. Shortly after New Years I met a very nice and sweet girl who started talking with me first and we had a few things incommon but when I wanted to arrange a date with her she just ghosted me and never replied back. At this point I had become isolated and introverted again and didn't want to try anything radical again. Suicidal thoughts were a daily and almost an hourly occurance. The only person that I shared these thoughts was my best friend but after this he started spending more time with his new friends and excluding me from his life, now we rarely ever speak to each other. This has left me pretty much friendless. From the beginning I was scared of abandonment and now everyone in my life has left me.
But now I am in a confusing state - at one part of the day I am at least somewhat optimistic and think about how I am going to make my future but then the suicidal thoughts hit again and I want to end it all and I don't know what to do. For now I am not planning to actually CTB but I really don't know how my mind will change in the future
But after like 2 months into my relationship with the girl I started to feel something weird. I was of course happy with her but there was always a weird feeling after our dates and it only grew stronger every day. She was the person that I loved the most but I soon realised that she never loved me back. I would always compliment her and try to make her happy but she acted like she didn't care about me in the slightest. Eventually this started to drive me mad and I was paranoid about her dumping me and wouldn't you know, she actually did. After this point my life started to go down hill.
The breakup happened in the summer last year and during it I also began to lose contact with most of my previous friends and my first deprresion wave started. I had a summer job and there I confessed to a girl around my age who was very kind to me because I desperately wanted for someone to love me but was unsuccesful. In autumn I had my first suicidal thoughts but my best friend that I spent most of my time with drove me away from that idea for a while. Shortly after New Years I met a very nice and sweet girl who started talking with me first and we had a few things incommon but when I wanted to arrange a date with her she just ghosted me and never replied back. At this point I had become isolated and introverted again and didn't want to try anything radical again. Suicidal thoughts were a daily and almost an hourly occurance. The only person that I shared these thoughts was my best friend but after this he started spending more time with his new friends and excluding me from his life, now we rarely ever speak to each other. This has left me pretty much friendless. From the beginning I was scared of abandonment and now everyone in my life has left me.
But now I am in a confusing state - at one part of the day I am at least somewhat optimistic and think about how I am going to make my future but then the suicidal thoughts hit again and I want to end it all and I don't know what to do. For now I am not planning to actually CTB but I really don't know how my mind will change in the future
