Help feeling impulsive, I don’t know if it’s time yet

[ghostspace]

I just crashed hard from the hope I'd been feeling the past few days. I have SN and meto, I intended to do it a year ago, but changed my mind. I think I should do it soon, not this second, but soon. I don't want my toxicity hurting anyone, I have to stay isolated all the time.

I'd been thinking I would start working with kids at this volunteer program, and was feeling so excited about it, but what do I have to offer anyone?? They don't want a suicidal adult working there, and if I CTB after meeting everyone, I'd be destroying everyone's lives; those kids have enough trauma to deal with.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed; I've been daydreaming and planning activities to do once I was assigned a mentee, but the entire point is giving a child a stable, safe, consistent adult in their lives for a year when they don't have that at home. I applied and went through interviews and a background check without even considering the fact that I'm a messed up person with BPD and PTSD and depression. There are scars over every square inch of my body and I'm struggling with a severe eating disorder. I'm on disability for how messed up my head is.

How selfish and delusional was I to think I could be a good role model when I'm basically the perfect example of how not to be.

I took anxiety meds so I could sleep an hour or so and see if I feel less intense. If there was a suicide button, I would slam it right now.

I'm not thinking rationally, I think I'm being really irrational or something. God, I hate myself. I wish I could crawl out of my skin and disappear.

 

[WEASEL1234]

I just crashed hard from the hope I'd been feeling the past few days. I have SN and meto, I intended to do it a year ago, but changed my mind. I think I should do it soon, not this second, but soon. I don't want my toxicity hurting anyone, I have to stay isolated all the time.

I'd been thinking I would start working with kids at this volunteer program, and was feeling so excited about it, but what do I have to offer anyone?? They don't want a suicidal adult working there, and if I CTB after meeting everyone, I'd be destroying everyone's lives; those kids have enough trauma to deal with.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed; I've been daydreaming and planning activities to do once I was assigned a mentee, but the entire point is giving a child a stable, safe, consistent adult in their lives for a year when they don't have that at home. I applied and went through interviews and a background check without even considering the fact that I'm a messed up person with BPD and PTSD and depression. There are scars over every square inch of my body and I'm struggling with a severe eating disorder. I'm on disability for how messed up my head is.

How selfish and delusional was I to think I could be a good role model when I'm basically the perfect example of how not to be.

I took anxiety meds so I could sleep an hour or so and see if I feel less intense. If there was a suicide button, I would slam it right now.

I'm not thinking rationally, I think I'm being really irrational or something. God, I hate myself. I wish I could crawl out of my skin and disappear.

Here if you need....
Try and calm your thoughts. I KNOW how you feel so I'm not being patronising in any way. You sounded like things were positive for you about working with children?

 

[HannahB]

I disagree, a child has the power to change your perspective. Children end up teaching us just as much as we teach them. That being said you dont want to bring your problems to this child but o dont think it's bad to help a child when your hurting sometimes that's just what the heart needs.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I just crashed hard from the hope I'd been feeling the past few days. I have SN and meto, I intended to do it a year ago, but changed my mind. I think I should do it soon, not this second, but soon. I don't want my toxicity hurting anyone, I have to stay isolated all the time.

I'd been thinking I would start working with kids at this volunteer program, and was feeling so excited about it, but what do I have to offer anyone?? They don't want a suicidal adult working there, and if I CTB after meeting everyone, I'd be destroying everyone's lives; those kids have enough trauma to deal with.

I'm so embarrassed and ashamed; I've been daydreaming and planning activities to do once I was assigned a mentee, but the entire point is giving a child a stable, safe, consistent adult in their lives for a year when they don't have that at home. I applied and went through interviews and a background check without even considering the fact that I'm a messed up person with BPD and PTSD and depression. There are scars over every square inch of my body and I'm struggling with a severe eating disorder. I'm on disability for how messed up my head is.

How selfish and delusional was I to think I could be a good role model when I'm basically the perfect example of how not to be.

I took anxiety meds so I could sleep an hour or so and see if I feel less intense. If there was a suicide button, I would slam it right now.

I'm not thinking rationally, I think I'm being really irrational or something. God, I hate myself. I wish I could crawl out of my skin and disappear.

Well, working with children seems like the ideal place for u to b right now. U said it made u happy thinking about it, so possibly that will b like ur "therapy". Children r non-judgemental, loving, funny, n I'm sure they will adore u n bring out another side in u that u prob haven't seen in yrs..u will laugh more cuz they're so silly, play more, smile more,etc..They might give u a reason to live AND b happy..I say give it a shot..XOXO

*Do the program for a yr, then after that, u can decide if u still wanna ctb..This could b the beginning of something awesome..

 

[ghostspace]

Here if you need....
Try and calm your thoughts. I KNOW how you feel so I'm not being patronising in any way. You sounded like things were positive for you about working with children?

yes, I've done so in the past and it's always brought me joy. but my mind is way darker now and I can't bear the thought of negatively effecting an already vulnerable kid.

Well, working with children seems like the ideal place for u to b right now. U said it made u happy thinking about it, so possibly that will b like ur "therapy". Children r non-judgemental, loving, funny, n I'm sure they will adore u n bring out another side in u that u prob haven't seen in yrs..u will laugh more cuz they're so silly, play more, smile more,etc..They might give u a reason to live AND b happy..I say give it a shot..XOXO

*Do the program for a yr, then after that, u can decide if u still wanna ctb..This could b the beginning of something awesome..

is that right though?? I don't think I would be coming from the right place, if that makes any sense. the entire point is what's in the child's best interest and not what helps me feel better. I don't know if I'm making sense. a year just seems like a long time for me to be consistent when I've always been up and down and everywhere else constantly

I disagree, a child has the power to change your perspective. Children end up teaching us just as much as we teach them. That being said you dont want to bring your problems to this child but o dont think it's bad to help a child when your hurting sometimes that's just what the heart needs.

That's exactly it, like my parents weren't trying to be negligent and toxic, but their mental illnesses made it hard for them to deal with my emotions when I was a kid. they didn't know how to deal with their own.

how can I be really sure I won't say or do the wrong thing in an entire year. it would devastate me if they took on the wrong traits—I've literally had sterilization surgery because I know I'd pass on the way I am and I can't hurt anyone, the last thing I'd ever want is to have a negative impact on someone's life.

you sound right, I really want you to be right. I just suddenly got so overwhelmed and scared

Hey you still have alot to live for, this doesn't have to be the final chapter of your life. Your intentions seem pure and that's all that matters

I'm on disability and can't work or be in school because my mental health is so bad. I can't handle normal things the way other people can, and it feels like a character flaw, like I must be really horrible and manipulative and lazy.

my mom told me that things were happier when I wasn't there and that I ruin everything. I don't want to commit to this program and then ruin it

 

[Lostandfound7]

I understand ur concerns..Do u have any interactions with children? Nieces/nephews, siblings, cousins, etc?

 

[ghostspace]

It scares me a lot to think that I could be doing the wrong thing and not know it. I feel that a lot with BPD, like maybe I'm not doing the right thing, but I don't know how to make sure. There were times when I was younger when I hurt people and didn't realize at all that I was doing that at the time. That makes me sound horrible, I truly had no idea

I understand ur concerns..Do u have any interactions with children? Nieces/nephews, siblings, cousins, etc?

Not currently, other than kids who I see in the building I live in. I have a ton of experience from when I was 11-16ish. I have siblings, but the youngest is 17. My younger siblings do say that I'm a really good sister for looking out for them, but they might just be saying that to make me feel better

 

[Lostandfound7]

OK so u do have some experience being around children..I doubt ur siblings r lying to u.children tend to b painfully honest n if u sucked as a big sis, I'm sure they would have told u.lol..

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I'm feeling super impulsive too right now. What you should do is sit or lay down somewhere and just close your eyes. Don't think too much and listen to music. Calm yourself down and do some deep breathing. OR if you prefer go exercise or do something active. Anything to take your mind off your emotions. I'm here to talk and so are many others. Please don't do anything impulsive because nothing ends up right when something impulsive is done. We are here for you

 

[WEASEL1234]

It scares me a lot to think that I could be doing the wrong thing and not know it. I feel that a lot with BPD, like maybe I'm not doing the right thing, but I don't know how to make sure. There were times when I was younger when I hurt people and didn't realize at all that I was doing that at the time. That makes me sound horrible, I truly had no idea


Not currently, other than kids who I see in the building I live in. I have a ton of experience from when I was 11-16ish. I have siblings, but the youngest is 17. My younger siblings do say that I'm a really good sister for looking out for them, but they might just be saying that to make me feel better

You sound like you would come from a good place to be able to empathise with vulnerability... just a thought. You're obviously a deeply caring soul and you could see from both an adult and a child's perspective how to help?

 

[ghostspace]

You sound like you would come from a good place to be able to empathise with vulnerability... just a thought. You're obviously a deeply caring soul and you could see from both an adult and a child's perspective how to help?

okay that helps.

I don't want to let someone down the way people let me down. Do you truly believe it would work out? (not putting pressure on you, just in your opinion) I know nobody's perfect, and kids need examples of adults messing up, admitting it, and apologizing, as well as all the positive stuff.

if they asked about my scars I planned on talking about unhealthy coping skills and healthy coping skills because people smoke and drink and do drugs and other unhealthy behaviors in front of kids. and I can't make them go away, but I could explain how important it is to feel and work through emotions

OK so u do have some experience being around children..I doubt ur siblings r lying to u.children tend to b painfully honest n if u sucked as a big sis, I'm sure they would have told u.lol..

♡
my sister definitely would, you're right. she's only two years younger than me, but she never stopped being brutally honest

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I'm also feeling impulsive too. I feel like I need to do it right now. But I don't have my SN yet.

 

[Lostandfound7]

♡
my sister definitely would, you're right. she's only two years younger than me, but she never stopped being brutally honest

See...I think u r being way too hard on yourself..

I'm also feeling impulsive too. I feel like I need to do it right now. But I don't have my SN yet.

Then maybe it's better that u don't have it yet..

 

[ghostspace]

thank you guys so much for the reassurance, I've never felt so surrounded with kindness before and I hope you all know how much I care about you. talking to people is really helpful, it makes me feel safe and it's much easier to sort out what's rational and what's out of proportion when I'm not alone in my brain.

Sorry for freaking out; I'm exhausted, my meds are being switched out, and I really need to sleep. I'm safe for tonight and am going to take it one hour at a time tomorrow.

- ♡ Lia

 

[Lostandfound7]

So happy u feel welcomed n encouraged.

Never apologize for expressing how u feel..
Get some rest, sweetie. Tomorrow is another day

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Talking is one of the best medicines in my opinion and I'm glad you can talk to us and know we will listen.

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

While I do think you should continue to be mindful of the well being of the child, I think you should take the job.

 

[ghostspace]

I'm feeling super impulsive too right now. What you should do is sit or lay down somewhere and just close your eyes. Don't think too much and listen to music. Calm yourself down and do some deep breathing. OR if you prefer go exercise or do something active. Anything to take your mind off your emotions. I'm here to talk and so are many others. Please don't do anything impulsive because nothing ends up right when something impulsive is done. We are here for you

I'm glad at least, that we can recognize when we're not in a good headspace for decision-making. ♡

Thank you so much for your advice and care. I ended up doing deep breathing and listening to a library audiobook until I could sleep a little bit. I hope you're feeling better and less impulsive now; it's so hard to resist the urge to catch the bus and run away from everything that hurts sometimes.

 

[WEASEL1234]

okay that helps.

I don't want to let someone down the way people let me down. Do you truly believe it would work out? (not putting pressure on you, just in your opinion) I know nobody's perfect, and kids need examples of adults messing up, admitting it, and apologizing, as well as all the positive stuff.

if they asked about my scars I planned on talking about unhealthy coping skills and healthy coping skills because people smoke and drink and do drugs and other unhealthy behaviors in front of kids. and I can't make them go away, but I could explain how important it is to feel and work through emotions

♡
my sister definitely would, you're right. she's only two years younger than me, but she never stopped being brutally honest

I am nearly 50 and have every confidence from your posts that this could be a positive thing for you and more importantly the children. You even posting what you have written does to me at least, point to some hope for you? X

 

[Quarky00]

You sound like a really wonderful caring person -- so empathic & altruistic -- you should work with children

 

[Soul]

It sounds like you got this, @ghostspace. Reading your worries I kept thinking "is any other mentor in this program without flaws or problems?!" Of course not; and lord help any kid who ends up being mentored by someone who thinks they're problem-free.

One thing I was thinking ... not that I have any experience with mentoring ... What if you and the child adopted a pet together? It seems like you could both get a lot from caring for a rescue animal.

 

[ghostspace]

I am nearly 50 and have every confidence from your posts that this could be a positive thing for you and more importantly the children. You even posting what you have written does to me at least, point to some hope for you? X

I really appreciate your confidence, it inspires confidence and hope in me. I talked to someone on here and came to the conclusion that if I make a commitment to a child, I won't be able to even consider CTB as an option, and that made me feel trapped and panicky because I stand at the bus station as a coping mechanism.

It sounds like you got this, @ghostspace. Reading your worries I kept thinking "is any other mentor in this program without flaws or problems?!" Of course not; and lord help any kid who ends up being mentored by someone who thinks they're problem-free.

One thing I was thinking ... not that I have any experience with mentoring ... What if you and the child adopted a pet together? It seems like you could both get a lot from caring for a rescue animal.

that's true hahaha at least I know what my problems.

I have two rescued cats! I adore them, and I'll be able to hang out with whoever I'm paired with at my apartment, so they'll get the comfort of cats also.

You sound like a really wonderful caring person -- so empathic & altruistic -- you should work with children

Thank you, Quarky, that means a lot to me. My heart feels so full after calming down, getting rest, and rereading everyone's encouraging words. I'm going to go through with the mentoring program and stay alive another year.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@ghostspace

I want to acknowledge that you've recognized you are not in a stable place right now to make definitive choices you feel confident about, including ctb not now but soon, and I affirm your self-awareness, it is guiding you to caution. I affirm that you recognize there is potential to harm others and that you do not want to be responsible for having done so.

You've made a wise observation that you have not decided against ctb, and that it could have deleterious effects, should you later choose it, on children who would, by the nature of the mentoring relationship, build trust and affection for you.

Isolation is indeed negative for you. Being with others in a positive environment and being of service to others will indeed help you as a social being to find purpose and connection. However, in this particular environment of mentoring, it may subconsciously for you place responsibility on vulnerable and not yet capable others to improve your well-being, that is, base the meeting of your needs on an unstable foundation.

I would advise focusing for now on your stability, working through the med changes, connecting with the support of others here, and continuing to research volunteer opportunities that resonate with your interests. Perhaps with animals, or other types of organizations that serve.

Again, I affirm your self-awareness, caution, and wisdom. I recognize patience and self-confidence are challenging, especially during a med transition, but SS folks can potentially support you with that.

Your choices are ultimately yours. SS is about pro-choice. I'm not trying to own anything for or about you, just trying to give support when I recognize your uncertainty and sense of pressure. The program will still be there if you later are certain it is the best choice. If there is a deadline for applying, there will be new application opportunities in the future.

Just my thoughts. Wishing you well-being.

 

[ghostspace]

@ghostspace

You've made a wise observation that you have not decided against ctb, and that it could have deleterious effects, should you later choose it, on children who would, by the nature of the mentoring relationship, build trust and affection for you.

However, in this particular environment of mentoring, it may subconsciously for you place responsibility on vulnerable and not yet capable others to improve your well-being, that is, base the meeting of your needs on an unstable foundation.

...continuing to research volunteer opportunities that resonate with your interests. Perhaps with animals, or other types of organizations that serve.

Hi, I do appreciate your thoughts, but if you would just read my last post on here:

I talked to someone on here and came to the conclusion that if I make a commitment to a child, I won't be able to even consider CTB as an option, and that made me feel trapped and panicky because I stand at the bus station as a coping mechanism.

I have already made my decision to continue with the mentoring program at the encouragement of others who posted on this thread. If you read through everyone's responses, you'll see my concerns being addressed as we all worked through it together.

I know you weren't intending to, but words like the following dismantled my confidence a bit by suggesting I avoid working with kids because I might:

place responsibility on vulnerable and not yet capable others to improve your well-being, that is, base the meeting of your needs on an unstable foundation.

Those were the initial worries I brought here, but have realized were the result of catastrophic thinking.

I was just experiencing a panic attack yesterday and was overthinking my situation. I'm okay now and feel good about my decision to stick around another year.

 

[Quarky00]

As a side note , I don't know the framework of this mentoring program , but I do know working with kids can be stressful to any person! Take it easy . Some days your head might explode ;)

 

[ghostspace]

As a side note , I don't know the framework of this mentoring program , but I do know working with kids can be stressful to any person! Take it easy . Some days your head might explode ;)

nah, no explosions, I'm great with kids and am very patient! It's with one child an hour or two a week! no big deal ♡ kids are fantastic in small doses hahaha

thanks again, Quarky :)

 

[Quarky00]

nah, no explosions, I'm great with kids and am very patient! It's with one child an hour or two a week! no big deal ♡ kids are fantastic in small doses hahaha

thanks again, Quarky :)

You're welcome. Sounds like a great idea and you have inspired me to look for something similar (maybe elderly , animals , etc) if I recover. So thank you

 

[ghostspace]

You're welcome. Sounds like a great idea and you have inspired me to look for something similar (maybe elderly animals etc) if I recover. So thank you

yes!!! you'd be so good at that. adopting an elderly animal is something I'm planning on doing (apt won't allow more unfortunately) at some point. ♡ I hope you are able to get to a more stable place, your heart is so pure and I anyone would be grateful to be in your presence.

 

[WEASEL1234]

I really appreciate your confidence, it inspires confidence and hope in me. I talked to someone on here and came to the conclusion that if I make a commitment to a child, I won't be able to even consider CTB as an option, and that made me feel trapped and panicky because I stand at the bus station as a coping mechanism.

that's true hahaha at least I know what my problems.

I have two rescued cats! I adore them, and I'll be able to hang out with whoever I'm paired with at my apartment, so they'll get the comfort of cats also.

Thank you, Quarky, that means a lot to me. My heart feels so full after calming down, getting rest, and rereading everyone's encouraging words. I'm going to go through with the mentoring program and stay alive another year.

It's ALWAYS an option so don't feel trapped. So is choosing life and to give hope to yourself and other needy children xx

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@ghostspace - just to say I'm really happy you've decided what to do and your head is in a better place.