So, my country has been in full lockdown for 15 days already, probably gonna extend for another 15.
I've been absolutely terrified of this virus ever since it was reported on China back in January, had crippling anxiety, trouble sleeping and reduced appetite. As time passed, I started contemplating my inevitable demise, and accepted my death would come. It is at this point I joined this forum, and thanks to all your advice and resources, I bought my two kilos of SN... just in case.
Since then, I spent the days accepting my inevitable death, and been waiting for it.
But now that my country is in full quarantine... I am... conflicted. I still have a job, I work for a huge multinational corporation that can sustain all of our office working from home. I live with my mom, and even though we live in a lil bit of a small apartment, we have a great relationship and thus we ain't having any issues being together all day.
I am extremely, extremely anti-social. To the point that this Sunday is a very normal Sunday for me, spending the entire day at home. I have spent entire vacations, a whole week, just inside my house with my computer, not going out for anything other than groceries.
So here I am. Not watching the news, only playing videogames and watching videogame videos on Youtube, and... that original feeling, that certainty of death, is slowly fading away. I am starting to get hopeful, that we may make it through. That my country's economy will deteriorate, but that the apocalyptic scenarios that form on my head are completely irrational.
And this optimism terrifies me. I don't wanna be optimistic, I am scared that when the worse hits, and those apocalyptic scenarios inside my head become true, they will hit me harder cause I didn't mentally prepare for it. I prefer to loose all hope, so that hope can't become into disappointment when all my hopes shatter.
I don't know what to do... is it ok to have hope?. I feel like I shouldn't, so I won't hesitate when the time comes and I can give both me and my mom a dose of SN as things go down the drain so bad she even wants to die. Or maybe it won't happen, but if it doesn't then at least if I remain without hope the best result will be a glad surprise... rather than the other way around.
I don't know what to do. I am so angry of having such privilege of a situation and yet I think it means nothing, and that we are all gonna die.
Thank you, as I have said a million times, for this place to talk freely, and I wish you all the best.
Be safe.
I've been absolutely terrified of this virus ever since it was reported on China back in January, had crippling anxiety, trouble sleeping and reduced appetite. As time passed, I started contemplating my inevitable demise, and accepted my death would come. It is at this point I joined this forum, and thanks to all your advice and resources, I bought my two kilos of SN... just in case.
Since then, I spent the days accepting my inevitable death, and been waiting for it.
But now that my country is in full quarantine... I am... conflicted. I still have a job, I work for a huge multinational corporation that can sustain all of our office working from home. I live with my mom, and even though we live in a lil bit of a small apartment, we have a great relationship and thus we ain't having any issues being together all day.
I am extremely, extremely anti-social. To the point that this Sunday is a very normal Sunday for me, spending the entire day at home. I have spent entire vacations, a whole week, just inside my house with my computer, not going out for anything other than groceries.
So here I am. Not watching the news, only playing videogames and watching videogame videos on Youtube, and... that original feeling, that certainty of death, is slowly fading away. I am starting to get hopeful, that we may make it through. That my country's economy will deteriorate, but that the apocalyptic scenarios that form on my head are completely irrational.
And this optimism terrifies me. I don't wanna be optimistic, I am scared that when the worse hits, and those apocalyptic scenarios inside my head become true, they will hit me harder cause I didn't mentally prepare for it. I prefer to loose all hope, so that hope can't become into disappointment when all my hopes shatter.
I don't know what to do... is it ok to have hope?. I feel like I shouldn't, so I won't hesitate when the time comes and I can give both me and my mom a dose of SN as things go down the drain so bad she even wants to die. Or maybe it won't happen, but if it doesn't then at least if I remain without hope the best result will be a glad surprise... rather than the other way around.
I don't know what to do. I am so angry of having such privilege of a situation and yet I think it means nothing, and that we are all gonna die.
Thank you, as I have said a million times, for this place to talk freely, and I wish you all the best.
Be safe.
