Wyldfyre4948
Waiting for my bus
- Jul 12, 2023
- 377
I spend all day thinking about dying and coming onto SaSu to see what everyone else is going through or talking about. My heart hurts a lot because the reality of my situation is probably sinking in. I want my wife to come back and save me, for her to be my reason to live. That feels very selfish at this point and I don't want to drag her down with me. We had several conversations about which one of us should die first, and came to the conclusion that it should be me because I can't adapt and would be useless without her. At this point I just want to see my cat again, he was my little buddy and I miss him so much. He would lay right next to me on the couch, or climb up on my chest when I'm in bed.
Still have to wait a week and a half to buy my ticket to ctb. Patience has never been my strong suit, and it feels like time is dragging just to spite me. It sucks not being able to tell anyone what I'm planning on doing. Not having anyone I can confide in about my dark secret. I've thought about maybe trying to move on and see if I can love again, but I don't want to bring my damage to someone else. Especially since that could be enough to scare them off. My one ex is suicidal but she seemingly is done talking to me again. This is potentially because I might actually be too far gone this time. Even my therapist dumped me, and this could be to protect his record of not having any patients kill themselves.
Don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life.
Laying in bed for hours before sleep finally comes, if it does at all.
I fantasize all day about putting the debreather on while I lie in bed, and pulling my blankets up over my waist. Having something on the tv that will give me a pleasant sound to drift away with. Even using some padded cuffs to try and restrain my hands once I get everything set. Take my last few conscious breathes and fall asleep for the last time. Finally sleeping and not worrying about the smallest noises waking me.
Before I lie down for my final rest I'd write a note and tape it to the wall right inside my apartment door:
I'm Sorry.
DO NOT ENTER
Call EMS
There are several hours of recorded videos on my iPad and I'd have a couple fresh ones done before because I need to say my farewells. This will probably be on a Saturday night after I get off work. Nobody will bother me on Sunday and no one would check until Monday afternoon when I don't show up for work.
It sucks that this is all I think about all day because nothing in life is enjoyable anymore. My older brother and I had a conversation a week ago about my unique view on suicide. This isn't a secret to anyone I know. My family and coworkers know about at least 1 attempt, and I don't regret them knowing that there is something "not right" with me. Then again death is a very normal and natural part of life. It shouldn't be seen as a problem that I'm in a rush to finish my story.
Still have to wait a week and a half to buy my ticket to ctb. Patience has never been my strong suit, and it feels like time is dragging just to spite me. It sucks not being able to tell anyone what I'm planning on doing. Not having anyone I can confide in about my dark secret. I've thought about maybe trying to move on and see if I can love again, but I don't want to bring my damage to someone else. Especially since that could be enough to scare them off. My one ex is suicidal but she seemingly is done talking to me again. This is potentially because I might actually be too far gone this time. Even my therapist dumped me, and this could be to protect his record of not having any patients kill themselves.
Don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life.
Laying in bed for hours before sleep finally comes, if it does at all.
I fantasize all day about putting the debreather on while I lie in bed, and pulling my blankets up over my waist. Having something on the tv that will give me a pleasant sound to drift away with. Even using some padded cuffs to try and restrain my hands once I get everything set. Take my last few conscious breathes and fall asleep for the last time. Finally sleeping and not worrying about the smallest noises waking me.
Before I lie down for my final rest I'd write a note and tape it to the wall right inside my apartment door:
I'm Sorry.
DO NOT ENTER
Call EMS
There are several hours of recorded videos on my iPad and I'd have a couple fresh ones done before because I need to say my farewells. This will probably be on a Saturday night after I get off work. Nobody will bother me on Sunday and no one would check until Monday afternoon when I don't show up for work.
It sucks that this is all I think about all day because nothing in life is enjoyable anymore. My older brother and I had a conversation a week ago about my unique view on suicide. This isn't a secret to anyone I know. My family and coworkers know about at least 1 attempt, and I don't regret them knowing that there is something "not right" with me. Then again death is a very normal and natural part of life. It shouldn't be seen as a problem that I'm in a rush to finish my story.
