Freaknik
Member
- Nov 12, 2023
- 14
I feel very behind in life, and have held onto this feeling for years. I'm currently finishing my second year of college and realizations have begun to hit me - I've come to the following conclusions before, but have remained a bit naive on the subjects; I've never had a stable job, severely lack in romantic experiences / relationships, and am unsatisfied with my appearance, as well as my current spot in life as a whole.
The main, and current, factor for my ideation is my Body Dysmorphia, which has crippled me mentally for the past year or so. My thoughts surrounding this have steadily gotten worse - albeit with a few stable spots in between. I do have an urge to improve myself and my image, but a lack motivation prevents me from perusing these desires. I am even set on getting cosmetic procedures to fix my insecurities. As much as I hope to improve my looks, I can't help but think that, even after time and money, I would still be unhappy with my appearance, rendering the whole effort useless.
I often just sit around all day and "rot." Even worse is that my dysmorphia causes extreme social anxiety, so it's almost impossible for me to go out in public without this feeling of being judged, or thinking I am simply inferior. Knowing that I haven't pushed myself in a better direction, or gotten farther in life, plagues me every single day and it's been a weight on my mind for the past 8 months. I don't know how to turn my life around at this point, but also don't see a will in living either. Various things, such as the beauty of nature and the comfort of my friends, have been significant factors in keeping me from ending it all, but as my friends move on in life, I don't know if this coping mechanism will last.
I'm nearing the point of no return here, and it almost makes everything feel bittersweet for me. I've had an urge to just breakdown and cry, or accept that it's my time. Some days I'm so close to finding any means possible to escape. Other (rare) occasions, I feel content and can find the joy in living. This constant tug-of-war has left me mentally drained, feeling hopeless at all times. It's almost as if a dark cloud is hovering above my head at all times. I don't know what to do anymore, but all I know is that giving up would feel so relieving.
The main, and current, factor for my ideation is my Body Dysmorphia, which has crippled me mentally for the past year or so. My thoughts surrounding this have steadily gotten worse - albeit with a few stable spots in between. I do have an urge to improve myself and my image, but a lack motivation prevents me from perusing these desires. I am even set on getting cosmetic procedures to fix my insecurities. As much as I hope to improve my looks, I can't help but think that, even after time and money, I would still be unhappy with my appearance, rendering the whole effort useless.
I often just sit around all day and "rot." Even worse is that my dysmorphia causes extreme social anxiety, so it's almost impossible for me to go out in public without this feeling of being judged, or thinking I am simply inferior. Knowing that I haven't pushed myself in a better direction, or gotten farther in life, plagues me every single day and it's been a weight on my mind for the past 8 months. I don't know how to turn my life around at this point, but also don't see a will in living either. Various things, such as the beauty of nature and the comfort of my friends, have been significant factors in keeping me from ending it all, but as my friends move on in life, I don't know if this coping mechanism will last.
I'm nearing the point of no return here, and it almost makes everything feel bittersweet for me. I've had an urge to just breakdown and cry, or accept that it's my time. Some days I'm so close to finding any means possible to escape. Other (rare) occasions, I feel content and can find the joy in living. This constant tug-of-war has left me mentally drained, feeling hopeless at all times. It's almost as if a dark cloud is hovering above my head at all times. I don't know what to do anymore, but all I know is that giving up would feel so relieving.
