Feeling a little lost after inpatient

[naicooro]

To preface: most of this post is a story/venting, but also asking for advice on getting over this habit of thinking about/craving suicide.

I just got back from inpatient after a suicide attempt, I feel like I'm just now starting to realize it was real. I knew I'd probably live but a very small and loud part of me made overdosing feel so final. And it wasn't. I wouldn't be able to die and survive at the same time, and I'm a little upset that can't be the case cuz I'm still here, with all that overthinking in me still standing. I relied on the thinking "don't worry you can just kys" or "don't worry it'll be over by xyz date" for so long, but now that I kind of tried, and I don't want to rely on that thinking, I'm feeling a little lost. I'm past that "last" day.

The initial trigger for my attempt got resolved, but the root cause of feeling like there is something about me that's damaged and there is no fixing it is still there in the back of my mind.

I've spent a week away from that part of me, focusing on everything in front of me that was happening inside the hospital. But now that I'm no longer there im realizing that part of me is a lot bigger than I thought. it drowned me out so much that I couldn't remember the last time I felt I could feel, love and recieve love without asking myself or others for permission. I unexpectedly had the chance to do all of those things in the hospital, I made friends.

But now back home I find myself kinda in the same position, getting back into that sickeningly addicting cycle.

I feel so conflicted. On one hand that feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me, it feels logical. And death as a logical conclusion. But when I think about dying, I get nauseous and sick and I panic. I try to come up with reasons to live in panic, but I can only seem to cling onto those same negative thoughts, that there's something wrong with me.

I just want this loop of the same cycle to end, of stress, distraction, a breakdown, a terrible justification that I should have to die, and sleep. My Life ending up unchanged, and controlled by fear. It's all disgustingly comforting, It's felt normal. But now I just want it to stop, I want these "realizations" to end. I used to find them comforting but now I'm sick of them, I spent a week away from them and I don't want them to come back. I honestly wish this loop were a hallucation or something, that way medication could stop it and make it go away. But it isn't, it's all me. Now with a diagnosis to prove it. A life long condition, major depressive disorder. I used to wish for a diagnosis, but now all I'm wishing for is that this were all in my head. I'm only 19 and the prognosis is scary.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this, if you have any advice or comments I would really appreciate them.
+ Holy cow I wrote so much more than I thought, sorry if this went on too long/ got rambly.

 

[woofwag]

I have a lot of similar emotions to you. I also MDD, and I lived this long kind of by just believing that I could kill myself at any time. Makes everything seem really far away. That finality is so deceptively comforting. And you're right. It doesn't last when you realize, shit, maybe I do want to live, and have this whole time. Really we all just want an escape from the pain.

I hate going back-and-forth too. Constantly feeling like there's something wrong that you can't seem to fix, but not ever fully wanting to give into it. That part is so large and overwhelming, but I think like many parts of us, it wants to be witnessed and helped. Sometimes I think those parts are trying to help us in a convoluted way. It's easier to deal with how hurt we feel if we just believe that we'll always fall victim to that cycle and that the pain won't ever go away. It makes it feel familiar. Less hopeful. But that makes it hurt less when it starts all over again. At least then you can expect it, right?

I don't know how much advice I really have since I'm dealing with the same thing. But that part of you doesn't have to fully go away. I think recognizing that in an ironic way that part of you is a survival mechanism, maybe you can stop trying to get rid of it with death, and instead befriend it. All of our parts just want to feel cared about. Idk. I can't tell you exactly how to go about that. But I do try to talk with my destructive parts a lot and let them know that I understand why they're like that, and even that I appreciate them. It helps a little.

I hope you can find some more help. It would be a good idea to get a therapist and try some meds for now. I am wishing you the best

 

[looking4partner]

To preface: most of this post is a story/venting, but also asking for advice on getting over this habit of thinking about/craving suicide.

I just got back from inpatient after a suicide attempt, I feel like I'm just now starting to realize it was real. I knew I'd probably live but a very small and loud part of me made overdosing feel so final. And it wasn't. I wouldn't be able to die and survive at the same time, and I'm a little upset that can't be the case cuz I'm still here, with all that overthinking in me still standing. I relied on the thinking "don't worry you can just kys" or "don't worry it'll be over by xyz date" for so long, but now that I kind of tried, and I don't want to rely on that thinking, I'm feeling a little lost. I'm past that "last" day.

The initial trigger for my attempt got resolved, but the root cause of feeling like there is something about me that's damaged and there is no fixing it is still there in the back of my mind.

I've spent a week away from that part of me, focusing on everything in front of me that was happening inside the hospital. But now that I'm no longer there im realizing that part of me is a lot bigger than I thought. it drowned me out so much that I couldn't remember the last time I felt I could feel, love and recieve love without asking myself or others for permission. I unexpectedly had the chance to do all of those things in the hospital, I made friends.

But now back home I find myself kinda in the same position, getting back into that sickeningly addicting cycle.

I feel so conflicted. On one hand that feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me, it feels logical. And death as a logical conclusion. But when I think about dying, I get nauseous and sick and I panic. I try to come up with reasons to live in panic, but I can only seem to cling onto those same negative thoughts, that there's something wrong with me.

I just want this loop of the same cycle to end, of stress, distraction, a breakdown, a terrible justification that I should have to die, and sleep. My Life ending up unchanged, and controlled by fear. It's all disgustingly comforting, It's felt normal. But now I just want it to stop, I want these "realizations" to end. I used to find them comforting but now I'm sick of them, I spent a week away from them and I don't want them to come back. I honestly wish this loop were a hallucation or something, that way medication could stop it and make it go away. But it isn't, it's all me. Now with a diagnosis to prove it. A life long condition, major depressive disorder. I used to wish for a diagnosis, but now all I'm wishing for is that this were all in my head. I'm only 19 and the prognosis is scary.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this, if you have any advice or comments I would really appreciate them.
+ Holy cow I wrote so much more than I thought, sorry if this went on too long/ got rambly.

Here are some things that have helped me or that I have done in the past & I also see them on websites:

-Thinking about how I would be able to move out one day in the future and staying until then (for coping with an unhealthy family relationship)

-Thinking about the people I wanted to stay alive for every time I felt like that or when it got worse- for example, wanting to be here to see certain relatives grow up and be around to help them in the future if they needed it

-Planning a fun thing/event, so that you have something to look forward to (For example, I want to at least stay until I can watch that new movie coming out, go to that concert by my favorite singer, celebrate that upcoming holiday, etc.)

-Less healthy probably, but sometimes taking a nap

-Planning hangouts with friends so I had something else to think about. And sometimes, I would have less of these thoughts when I was spending time with those people

Other suggestions I have been told:

-Going to a safe or public place such as a park with people

-Making a box to look at of reasons to stay alive such as photos of relatives, friends, good memories,

-Telling yourself the feeling is temporary or the feeling when it gets more intense is temporary (sometimes it goes away even if it is chronic ideation and it is for a short duration of time)

-Calling a friend to talk to them (doesn't have to be talking about your ideation to them. Sometimes, it gives you another subject to think about also

-Doing some type of simple, low-key therapeutic activity like a coloring book

-Talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend. For example, "it's ok, you have time to drive home and get the thing that you forgot, this is a solvable problem" instead of anger/berating. (Not to assume what your thoughts are. This example is because this is what I do.)

(I do understand that this can be difficult especially when the mean thoughts have become automatic after having them for so many years.)

- I also read that DBT exercises are designed to help with this by giving you activities you can do when it comes up. And I read that the counselors who do the official version of DBT are supposed to be available to call/text by phone when you are having a crisis situation/feeling. Like, kind of whenever I think as long as they're not asleep. I'm not sure how common this is though.

- I am wondering if you are still able to contact your friends from the hospital? Or go to some type of weekly group like that which will provide you the opportunity to connect with people regularly in a situation that isn't work?

-Sometimes, there are also Zoom groups online for relaxation exercises like meditation with a group of people. That was always helpful and calming for me when I did it even though I wasn't really able to do it consistently.

-The reasons I'm giving didn't "cure" the thoughts, but they helped me through experiencing the ideation feelings for most of my life.

Sidenote: I have not been able to try many psychiatric treatments or medication alternatives because of controlling family members & some very negative reactions. But I have heard of other people saying that they also helped with ideation.

I also remember doing CBT with a therapist and it helping a lot with thoughts/fears I was able to share with them when they would practice that with me. (I know a lot of people hate CBT, but I do a lot of it constantly like catastrophizing & sometimes when the counselor would do an exercise, I wouldn't be anxious about the thing my mind had kept racing about all week. I do have a lot of thoughts though, so sometimes another fear or negative thought would come up. But it did feel like it was helping. This counselor was also validating of my emotions which I read is important to do when treating with CBT so that it doesn't just feel dismissive.)