missporcelain
Member
- Sep 24, 2023
- 14
Does anyone ever feel like life is an absolute high with joys, hopes, ambitions, possibilities, and that whimsy to accompany?
But then…
It's like as soon as the excitement ends, the hope fades, reality is what's left, and it's this gutted feeling of emptiness and despair and death feeling like the conclusion?
I feel very lost and very stuck. I have dealt with night seizures and been at my parents' home, which has not turned out to be a good situation for my life. I had to cut work in half last year, my body is physically taxed from my career, and I go between thoughts of selling all my stuff and moving abroad…and suicide.
It is one extreme or another. It feels like an angel and a devil on each shoulder, both give evidence, and I don't know which to believe. I'm haunted by a lot from the past, which my parents' home has brought up. I know I have the power to move, but money and medication seem to limit things. My parents are who I have relied on to get through the night seizures when they happen - and I am grateful for them - but I have this urgency to get out. Mentally, it's been a nightmare. It's too much to explain, but I just feel stuck and don't know what to do…and then it escalates to these intense desires to down my meds with alcohol and jump off something.
I just need to get out of here. I need help. I don't know what to do. I don't trust myself. I even hate myself.
But then…
It's like as soon as the excitement ends, the hope fades, reality is what's left, and it's this gutted feeling of emptiness and despair and death feeling like the conclusion?
I feel very lost and very stuck. I have dealt with night seizures and been at my parents' home, which has not turned out to be a good situation for my life. I had to cut work in half last year, my body is physically taxed from my career, and I go between thoughts of selling all my stuff and moving abroad…and suicide.
It is one extreme or another. It feels like an angel and a devil on each shoulder, both give evidence, and I don't know which to believe. I'm haunted by a lot from the past, which my parents' home has brought up. I know I have the power to move, but money and medication seem to limit things. My parents are who I have relied on to get through the night seizures when they happen - and I am grateful for them - but I have this urgency to get out. Mentally, it's been a nightmare. It's too much to explain, but I just feel stuck and don't know what to do…and then it escalates to these intense desires to down my meds with alcohol and jump off something.
I just need to get out of here. I need help. I don't know what to do. I don't trust myself. I even hate myself.
