Feel like im wearing a mask (depression).. Do anyone feel the same?

[suicidaljane]

I feel like im wearing a mask. I pretend to be normal, to be happy, smile, try to laugh and make jokes. I smile with my lips but my eyes look empty. But inside i feel horrible, sad, depressed, completely numb and almost disociated. Like im not here. Im just a shell of a preson. It is just mask. I have been feeling like this for years but I didnt realize that. Like I was on autopilot. Im also ashamed to admit that I feel like empty, sad POS.
I see other people and they seem so happy and hopeful about life. I feel like apathetic alien or zombie compared to them. They have suporting people in their life, hobbies, goals, are sucsessful, have lots of positive experiences. I have none of that really. But I have my happy mask that I learned to use to pretend that Im one of them. But in reality nobody knows how I really feel or who I am. They only know this fake facade, mask. It is very lonely.

 

[loser4ever4life]

I know what you're getting across. I felt like even in my best days I was just a husk. Looking back on old photos, you can see it in my eyes. I've been jealous of others happiness too, only made me feel worse, as if I was a bad person for that. I don't know how they do it. At certain points I don't know if I am wearing a mask anymore

I want you to tell me though, who is the real you? Beneath the mask?

 

[Danby]

I feel the same way. I've suffered from depression for years and it seems to just be getting worse and worse. Stuff that used to make me happy doesn't any more.

 

[suicidaljane]

I know what you're getting across. I felt like even in my best days I was just a husk. Looking back on old photos, you can see it in my eyes. I've been jealous of others happiness too, only made me feel worse, as if I was a bad person for that. I don't know how they do it. At certain points I don't know if I am wearing a mask anymore

I want you to tell me though, who is the real you? Beneath the mask?

Thats the worst part of it. I feel like i dont even know who I am. It is like I lost my personality. Im just so empty, sad, depressed, uninterested in anything. Im hopeless and feel like there is no fix for me. It is like my only solution is suicide.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

The mask stops working in the long run; it only makes you feel worse. Happiness isn't found in putting on a mask for others and how they see you; otherwise, you'll only ruin your life even more.

 

[bleeding_heart_show]

I feel similarly.

The only reason I keep up appearances is that I would end up in a much worse situation than the one I am currently in if I failed to.

Something that confuses me is that my daily functioning is more or less unimpaired, but if I were to be psychiatrically evaluated I would be considered dysfunctional.

On an unrelated note; is it really dysfunctional to be apathetic towards others when most of what you have experienced at their hands is alienation and hostility? Anyone that is positive in the face of such treatment should be considered dysfunctional instead.

Argh.

 

[FoxSauce]

Having a mask is the most tiring shit ever. Hard to stop too since sometimes that's all you know.

 

[Catchingdabus27]

Yup the mask is horrible. Tho csn also become a survival mechanism. Im grateful for it in that sense but otherwise especially lately its coming apart at the seams. What comes out isn't even whats "real" just the tired from sustaining said mask. (I dunno of any of this made sense literacy isn't it today)