Venting Feel like I'm just waiting to die

[Spite]

I'm so tired of being alive. My existence is boring, unfulfilling, and miserable, and I think it will always be this way. In a sense, I feel like I have accomplished and done everything that I possibly can do within my circumstantial limits (when I say limits I mean things like being autistic and not having a whole lot of money). There's not really anything else here for me.

I don't have the motivation and willpower to want to really do anything at all anymore. I've largely given up on my hobbies. I can't be bothered playing video games anymore. Even listening to music feels like a chore. It's almost impossible for me to watch anything without feeling sleepy. If I had the option, I absolutely would bedrot for weeks or even months at a time.

Furthermore, I can't bring myself to CTB. It's too scary and my SI is too powerful for to me actually go through with it. So I'm just like... stuck here, and that in itself is kind of horrifying. It's like there's no way out of this hell realm. I don't know what to do.

It's a long life. I've probably got another 50-60 years to go before I die naturally of old age and I just have no idea how I am going to be able to sustain myself for that long. I'm only 27 and I already feel like I've had enough. I'm surprised I've lived as long as I have, really.

What's in it for me? A lifetime of wageslavery? A lifetime of being a loner recluse? Never being able to attain the life I hoped and dreamed of when I was a kid? This isn't a life worth living. I really can't see my life ever getting better or becoming really exciting and fulfilling at any point in the future. As I get older, life is just gonna continue sliding downhill and it'll get harder and harder.

It's crazy when I think back to myself as a small child, totally oblivious to what this world had in store for me. Who would have thought I would grow up to become a mentally ill, suicidal trainwreck with no IRL friends, no ambitions and no future? I didn't.

What do I do? What can I do? Just keep on truckin'? Try to find new ways to cope and somehow endure another half-century of existence? Hold on in hopes that somehow my life might miraculously turn around and get better at some point in the future? I don't even think that's possible at this point. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

What's my purpose?

Why am I here?

I wish my life could just speed up and fly by as fast as possible so I can be over and done with it already.

 

[Nightingale93]

I understand how you feel. Being in the same boat it's an awful feeling. Your life just feels so soulless, devoid of any true happiness or joy. When you do come across those happy moments, as rare as they are, you remember them so deeply and for years.
I'm not sure if you were helicopter parented when you were young, but that as well as being sheltered and not being able to socialize properly can wreak havoc on one's life, especially when they are older.
I truly hope somehow your life changes for the better and you are able to experience everlasting happiness, as much of a cliche thing that is to say <3