Of course, because I firmly believe you DESERVE that respect.
And I also know what that's like talking to pro-lifers. Hearing them spout their platitudes... it doesn't help anything or anyone. And I know that. They're often not even really engaging with you or having a genuine conversation. It's like they're just filling out a crossword. And I thought you deserved the respect of a conversation where we are both equals. And I firmly believe that your choice is your own and considering the importance of that choice that your thinking is to be respected, whether it's the same as mine or not. I just wanted to help you as best I could and make you feel heard. =)
And, yeah, I've faced that dismissal too. But, like you said, wanting love is a basic human need. I think a lot of pro-lifers and "normies" don't understand what it's like to be so deprived of that connection... it's painful. Connection is, at the end of the day, a need that ties us all together. It is something fundamentally human. And it IS important and there is NOTHING wrong with you wanting it. Remember that. Your desire for that is valid.
"Like they're filling out a crossword", that's such a good way to put it. I don't want to be too harsh on them though because as Carl Sagan said, "no one comes fully equipped," and often that cookie cutter response isn't malicious or anything, it's just ignorance. And in all fairness, if I had never had the experience of being suicidal and trying to talk about that with others, I might not have known what to do either.
I understand that. I have been there too. It is exhausting. It is a heavy burden to have to deal with all this shit. And you've gone through a rough time with everything that's happened recently. And I think you're right, time and rest if nothing else may give you a little bit of peace of mind. And, yeah, of course I don't expect you to close the door on that possibility. That choice will always be yours. It's just a good idea to keep in mind that there may be other choices too. Including just existing for a little while. =)
I understand. It's normal, I think, to have mixed feelings at a time like this. I've been there too. You build up the expectation and then... you're still here. And it's a relief and it sucks. Although I guess if I had CTBd we wouldn't have been able to have this conversation today, so I like to think that's for the better, at least. We humans are a living contradiction, I guess. We have so many things we want and don't want and care about and don't and it all gets mixed up together into a confusing soup sometimes. Especially at times like these.
I can't tell you what the future will hold. And right now, it doesn't matter. You can maybe just sigh and let it go for a while and just exist for a little bit. Maybe cuddle up with a stuffed animal and read a book or watch an old series you love. Maybe this will end up being a turning point for you, maybe not. But regardless though, maybe for a little while you don't have to make a choice right now.
Just existing for a while...I think that's what I'm going to do honestly. The door is all but closed on a March suicide, and I made an agreement with myself that if I was still here on April 1st, I had to commit to living for at least another month. Because I've been living as if I'm about to die, even on the most mundane level, like filling up my dish soap bottle with water to make it last longer so that I don't have to open another one (because why would I do that before dying?), and I can't keep doing that forever. I've told myself that I don't have to make any big commitments, I just have to put one
toe down on the side of life instead of continuing to balance on the beam between life and death.
Bye bye to my life insurance I guess...
About the childhood I do wonder though maybe it might be worth thinking carefully at some point (probably not right now) about why that was if you haven't already. There may be a reason there you've yet to explore. Maybe there's something there yet to be discovered...
You know, for me, I actually would've said kind of the same thing about my childhood a few years ago. That it was relatively okay. And in most ways it was. But in retrospect what I've also discovered over the last couple of years (with the help of my psychologist) is that the way my parents treated me was actually not normal or ok. The constant yelling over every small mistake I made, the putting me down and shaming me all the time, the putting up impossible standards, the ignoring of my emotions. I never felt about my parents the way other kids did. And I never understood why until a couple of years ago because I thought for most of my life that all that stuff was normal. Sometimes we don't understand the reasons for our own feelings. I'm not saying that's the same for you, btw. I don't know your parents at all. They could be the best people ever. I'm just saying in general that... it can sometimes be useful to examine these things in retrospect. Because sometimes there's an answer there to a question you didn't even know you had. A reason you felt a certain way you weren't even aware of.
I'm also an HSP, so that probably has affected my life too. And it's something I wasn't aware of until my psychologist suggested I look into it last year.
A part of me wishes that there was something more here, because then at least I'd have something to blame. But no, as far as I can tell, I had an almost idyllic childhood. Parents are always going to make mistakes, of course, and I think the big mistake my mother in particular made was being so open about her yo-yo dieting and dissatisfaction with her body, which I think later contributed to my own rigid view of what a "good" and "bad" body was, but other than that, I always felt supported and valued.
You know, odd as it is, your water comment makes me want to give you a hug. And I wish you clear waters. =p
Thank you ;)
For my money, from what we've talked about, I think one thing you seem to seek is connection. Which makes sense, it's a basic human need. And I think it's one that's maybe especially meaningful to you. There's probably more than that though, idk. I don't know you well enough to even guess. Maybe you can figure it out one day. I hope you do find that answer one day, no matter what it leads you to. =)
And I hope I didn't leave you with too big a wall of text again. =p You don't need to respond to all of it or any of it. I just hope it has a positive impact on you. =)
Oh, and sorry if any of this comes across as confused or rambly or whatever. I've literally barely slept today. My apologies. >.<
No it made sense, no worries. Sorry about your sleep though, that can really mess you up when you're already suicidal lol (at least in my experience), so hope it's not impacting you too badly.
By the way, that guy I was talking about messaged me today, replying to the last message I sent like two weeks ago. Didn't apologize or explain the delay though, except by saying he was "busy". When he sent it I was seriously considering CTBing after all tonight, so with nothing left to lose, I did ask him if he was working because I'd be in the area so I'd be able to stop by (I was legitimately planning on going for a walk so it was kind of true, there was just no reason why I'd go to that area in particular except if I wanted to pass by. Aaand he kind of saw right through me and understood that what I was really asking was if I could see him). Unfortunately he was at home and had plans for that night, but we did get to talking nonetheless and ended up having a good conversation.
I know it was a one-off and I can't expect this from him on the regular, but it did make me feel better at least temporarily tonight. I wouldn't say it "stopped" me from CTBing, because I think I was leaning away from that anyway due to all this "just want to exist for a while" stuff, but it did calm the distress. I'm not even sure it was because of anything in particular he said, but I think it was just the fact of receiving uninterrupted attention. It was like a gasp of air after being deprived of oxygen. (Obviously I've gotten "attention" from you recently too, but I think you'll agree that it's not the same when it's through online personas. You don't really know me, and I don't really know you. But this person knows my name, has seen me, has looked in my eyes before. Idk it just feels different.)
