Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Waiting for my next window of opportunity
Mar 9, 2024
1,030
Of course, because I firmly believe you DESERVE that respect.

And I also know what that's like talking to pro-lifers. Hearing them spout their platitudes... it doesn't help anything or anyone. And I know that. They're often not even really engaging with you or having a genuine conversation. It's like they're just filling out a crossword. And I thought you deserved the respect of a conversation where we are both equals. And I firmly believe that your choice is your own and considering the importance of that choice that your thinking is to be respected, whether it's the same as mine or not. I just wanted to help you as best I could and make you feel heard. =)

And, yeah, I've faced that dismissal too. But, like you said, wanting love is a basic human need. I think a lot of pro-lifers and "normies" don't understand what it's like to be so deprived of that connection... it's painful. Connection is, at the end of the day, a need that ties us all together. It is something fundamentally human. And it IS important and there is NOTHING wrong with you wanting it. Remember that. Your desire for that is valid.
"Like they're filling out a crossword", that's such a good way to put it. I don't want to be too harsh on them though because as Carl Sagan said, "no one comes fully equipped," and often that cookie cutter response isn't malicious or anything, it's just ignorance. And in all fairness, if I had never had the experience of being suicidal and trying to talk about that with others, I might not have known what to do either.

I understand that. I have been there too. It is exhausting. It is a heavy burden to have to deal with all this shit. And you've gone through a rough time with everything that's happened recently. And I think you're right, time and rest if nothing else may give you a little bit of peace of mind. And, yeah, of course I don't expect you to close the door on that possibility. That choice will always be yours. It's just a good idea to keep in mind that there may be other choices too. Including just existing for a little while. =)

I understand. It's normal, I think, to have mixed feelings at a time like this. I've been there too. You build up the expectation and then... you're still here. And it's a relief and it sucks. Although I guess if I had CTBd we wouldn't have been able to have this conversation today, so I like to think that's for the better, at least. We humans are a living contradiction, I guess. We have so many things we want and don't want and care about and don't and it all gets mixed up together into a confusing soup sometimes. Especially at times like these.

I can't tell you what the future will hold. And right now, it doesn't matter. You can maybe just sigh and let it go for a while and just exist for a little bit. Maybe cuddle up with a stuffed animal and read a book or watch an old series you love. Maybe this will end up being a turning point for you, maybe not. But regardless though, maybe for a little while you don't have to make a choice right now.
Just existing for a while...I think that's what I'm going to do honestly. The door is all but closed on a March suicide, and I made an agreement with myself that if I was still here on April 1st, I had to commit to living for at least another month. Because I've been living as if I'm about to die, even on the most mundane level, like filling up my dish soap bottle with water to make it last longer so that I don't have to open another one (because why would I do that before dying?), and I can't keep doing that forever. I've told myself that I don't have to make any big commitments, I just have to put one toe down on the side of life instead of continuing to balance on the beam between life and death.

Bye bye to my life insurance I guess...

About the childhood I do wonder though maybe it might be worth thinking carefully at some point (probably not right now) about why that was if you haven't already. There may be a reason there you've yet to explore. Maybe there's something there yet to be discovered...

You know, for me, I actually would've said kind of the same thing about my childhood a few years ago. That it was relatively okay. And in most ways it was. But in retrospect what I've also discovered over the last couple of years (with the help of my psychologist) is that the way my parents treated me was actually not normal or ok. The constant yelling over every small mistake I made, the putting me down and shaming me all the time, the putting up impossible standards, the ignoring of my emotions. I never felt about my parents the way other kids did. And I never understood why until a couple of years ago because I thought for most of my life that all that stuff was normal. Sometimes we don't understand the reasons for our own feelings. I'm not saying that's the same for you, btw. I don't know your parents at all. They could be the best people ever. I'm just saying in general that... it can sometimes be useful to examine these things in retrospect. Because sometimes there's an answer there to a question you didn't even know you had. A reason you felt a certain way you weren't even aware of.

I'm also an HSP, so that probably has affected my life too. And it's something I wasn't aware of until my psychologist suggested I look into it last year.
A part of me wishes that there was something more here, because then at least I'd have something to blame. But no, as far as I can tell, I had an almost idyllic childhood. Parents are always going to make mistakes, of course, and I think the big mistake my mother in particular made was being so open about her yo-yo dieting and dissatisfaction with her body, which I think later contributed to my own rigid view of what a "good" and "bad" body was, but other than that, I always felt supported and valued.

You know, odd as it is, your water comment makes me want to give you a hug. And I wish you clear waters. =p
Thank you ;)

For my money, from what we've talked about, I think one thing you seem to seek is connection. Which makes sense, it's a basic human need. And I think it's one that's maybe especially meaningful to you. There's probably more than that though, idk. I don't know you well enough to even guess. Maybe you can figure it out one day. I hope you do find that answer one day, no matter what it leads you to. =)

And I hope I didn't leave you with too big a wall of text again. =p You don't need to respond to all of it or any of it. I just hope it has a positive impact on you. =)

Oh, and sorry if any of this comes across as confused or rambly or whatever. I've literally barely slept today. My apologies. >.<
No it made sense, no worries. Sorry about your sleep though, that can really mess you up when you're already suicidal lol (at least in my experience), so hope it's not impacting you too badly.


By the way, that guy I was talking about messaged me today, replying to the last message I sent like two weeks ago. Didn't apologize or explain the delay though, except by saying he was "busy". When he sent it I was seriously considering CTBing after all tonight, so with nothing left to lose, I did ask him if he was working because I'd be in the area so I'd be able to stop by (I was legitimately planning on going for a walk so it was kind of true, there was just no reason why I'd go to that area in particular except if I wanted to pass by. Aaand he kind of saw right through me and understood that what I was really asking was if I could see him). Unfortunately he was at home and had plans for that night, but we did get to talking nonetheless and ended up having a good conversation.

I know it was a one-off and I can't expect this from him on the regular, but it did make me feel better at least temporarily tonight. I wouldn't say it "stopped" me from CTBing, because I think I was leaning away from that anyway due to all this "just want to exist for a while" stuff, but it did calm the distress. I'm not even sure it was because of anything in particular he said, but I think it was just the fact of receiving uninterrupted attention. It was like a gasp of air after being deprived of oxygen. (Obviously I've gotten "attention" from you recently too, but I think you'll agree that it's not the same when it's through online personas. You don't really know me, and I don't really know you. But this person knows my name, has seen me, has looked in my eyes before. Idk it just feels different.)
 
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KafkaF

Taking a break from the website.
Nov 18, 2023
450
"Like they're filling out a crossword", that's such a good way to put it. I don't want to be too harsh on them though because as Carl Sagan said, "no one comes fully equipped," and often that cookie cutter response isn't malicious or anything, it's just ignorance. And in all fairness, if I had never had the experience of being suicidal and trying to talk about that with others, I might not have known what to do either.
It's true, it's not their fault. I think you're right about that. =) It's just a bit frustrating, haha.
Just existing for a while...I think that's what I'm going to do honestly. The door is all but closed on a March suicide, and I made an agreement with myself that if I was still here on April 1st, I had to commit to living for at least another month. Because I've been living as if I'm about to die, even on the most mundane level, like filling up my dish soap bottle with water to make it last longer so that I don't have to open another one (because why would I do that before dying?), and I can't keep doing that forever. I've told myself that I don't have to make any big commitments, I just have to put one toe down on the side of life instead of continuing to balance on the beam between life and death.
I honestly think that's beautifully said. No big commitments for now. No pressure. Just put one toe down on the side of life instead of continuing to balance on the beam of life and death. =)
Bye bye to my life insurance I guess...
*hug* Try not to worry about that too much. Your life, however long it lasts, to your family is going to be worth more than any money. Hell, maybe you could even go see them if you don't live with them and if at some point you feel up for it. =)
A part of me wishes that there was something more here, because then at least I'd have something to blame. But no, as far as I can tell, I had an almost idyllic childhood. Parents are always going to make mistakes, of course, and I think the big mistake my mother in particular made was being so open about her yo-yo dieting and dissatisfaction with her body, which I think later contributed to my own rigid view of what a "good" and "bad" body was, but other than that, I always felt supported and valued.
Could be something else then maybe? Bipolar? Borderline? Aspergers? Something else? I honestly don't know, I'm just randomly throwing stuff out there. I just think it's worth thinking about (again, at some point, not necessarily right now). Because feeling that way from so early on... idk, I just wonder if that has a cause. And maybe it's one that can be grabbed with both hands and taken on or at least understood. Just thinking out loud, I guess.

Thank you ;)


No it made sense, no worries. Sorry about your sleep though, that can really mess you up when you're already suicidal lol (at least in my experience), so hope it's not impacting you too badly.
That's okay. I sleep poorly a lot anyway. But it's sweet of you to worry about me. =)

By the way, that guy I was talking about messaged me today, replying to the last message I sent like two weeks ago. Didn't apologize or explain the delay though, except by saying he was "busy". When he sent it I was seriously considering CTBing after all tonight, so with nothing left to lose, I did ask him if he was working because I'd be in the area so I'd be able to stop by (I was legitimately planning on going for a walk so it was kind of true, there was just no reason why I'd go to that area in particular except if I wanted to pass by. Aaand he kind of saw right through me and understood that what I was really asking was if I could see him). Unfortunately he was at home and had plans for that night, but we did get to talking nonetheless and ended up having a good conversation.

I know it was a one-off and I can't expect this from him on the regular, but it did make me feel better at least temporarily tonight. I wouldn't say it "stopped" me from CTBing, because I think I was leaning away from that anyway due to all this "just want to exist for a while" stuff, but it did calm the distress. I'm not even sure it was because of anything in particular he said, but I think it was just the fact of receiving uninterrupted attention. It was like a gasp of air after being deprived of oxygen. (Obviously I've gotten "attention" from you recently too, but I think you'll agree that it's not the same when it's through online personas. You don't really know me, and I don't really know you. But this person knows my name, has seen me, has looked in my eyes before. Idk it just feels different.)
I'm glad you had a good conversation with him and I'm glad you were around to have it. =)

Just please do remember, whatever happens with this guy, he doesn't need to be the last and only one. You're right, I don't know you that well. We only know each other online like this. But I can tell you're a sweet person worthy of being cared about. And if I can see that after a couple of days and a few messages, there will be other people out there who can see that too, not just one or two. I've never been super good at the social thing myself, and I met most of my girlfriends on dating apps. I guess I'm just saying... don't forget there's probably other people out there who CAN care about you and you can have those good conversations with them too. Not always easy to find, I'll admit, but that doesn't mean they're not out there or that you can't meet them. Even if it's first online somewhere and then IRL or something. So whatever happens with this person, I think you can trust that you can find connection again or more of them, however that might be. Though, for the record, I hope it works out for the best.

As a sidenote, I'll probably leave the site (at least for the time being but maybe permanently, if I can resist the temptation to come here and check) after this conversation is over for the reasons I explained earlier. You know, with this site maybe not being the best for my mental health, personally. Although I actually also do feel a bit better nowadays then when I first joined the site a few months ago. But I want you to know that I'm really happy that we were able to have this conversation. And, as weird as it is, I'll probably think about you from time to time and wonder how you are. And I hope with all my heart that things work out the best for you. I really do. Lots of hugs. <3
 
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Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Waiting for my next window of opportunity
Mar 9, 2024
1,030
Sorry to reply so quick, I know you like editing haha but I wanted to get back to you before I go to bed and catch you before you leave.

*hug* Try not to worry about that too much. Your life, however long it lasts, to your family is going to be worth more than any money. Hell, maybe you could even go see them if you don't live with them and if at some point you feel up for it. =)
I made it a point to visit my dad as part of my suicide preparations. But to be honest...I just want to isolate right now. Apart from that one guy, I don't want to see or hear from anyone. I guess that might be a self-destructive instinct, but...yeah, I sometimes feel like just blocking everyone and shutting off my phone. Even for a day I think I might do that. I'm tired of my brothers contacting me. Just want everything to stop, you know?

Could be something else then maybe? Bipolar? Borderline? Aspergers? Something else? I honestly don't know, I'm just randomly throwing stuff out there. I just think it's worth thinking about (again, at some point, not necessarily right now). Because feeling that way from so early on... idk, I just wonder if that has a cause. And maybe it's one that can be grabbed with both hands and taken on or at least understood. Just thinking out loud, I guess.
I think it's just my personality, nothing disordered about it.

Just please do remember, whatever happens with this guy, he doesn't need to be the last and only one. You're right, I don't know you that well. We only know each other online like this. But I can tell you're a sweet person worthy of being cared about. And if I can see that after a couple of days and a few messages, there will be other people out there who can see that too, not just one or two. I've never been super good at the social thing myself, and I met most of my girlfriends on dating apps. I guess I'm just saying... don't forget there's probably other people out there who CAN care about you and you can have those good conversations with them too. Not always easy to find, I'll admit, but that doesn't mean they're not out there or that you can't meet them. So whatever happens with this person, I think you can trust that you can find connection again or more of them, however that might be.
Yeah, there's just all these issues now with my eating disorder and depression and ethics and everything...and I've never been comfortable with the apps. They've always left me disgusted because I had this feeling of "shopping for another human being." There's so many people that you're almost forced to judge by physical appearance, and I don't want to be that kind of person, especially since I'm lucky enough to be someone who is capable of developing attraction after developing feelings, which not everyone can say. Also I'd be entirely unwilling to take photos of myself right now. And if I don't have that option then I don't really have any other options now that I've left work and plan on just staying home all day (don't have the energy to do any "activities").

As a sidenote, I'll probably leave the site (at least for the time being, if I can resist the temptation to come here and check) after this conversation is over for the reasons I explained earlier. You know, with this site maybe not being the best for my mental health, personally. But I want you to know that I'm really happy that we were able to have this conversation. And, as weird as it is, I'll probably think about you from time to time and wonder how you are. And I hope with all my heart that things work out the best for you. I really do. Lots of hugs.
I'm not sure I left much to reply to here, so if you want to leave now, you have my blessing <3

It's not weird to say that btw, I'll probably keep you in my thoughts too and hope for the best for you too. Hugs back.
 
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KafkaF

Taking a break from the website.
Nov 18, 2023
450
Sorry to reply so quick, I know you like editing haha but I wanted to get back to you before I go to bed and catch you before you leave.
Haha. =p
I made it a point to visit my dad as part of my suicide preparations. But to be honest...I just want to isolate right now. Apart from that one guy, I don't want to see or hear from anyone. I guess that might be a self-destructive instinct, but...yeah, I sometimes feel like just blocking everyone and shutting off my phone. Even for a day I think I might do that. I'm tired of my brothers contacting me. Just want everything to stop, you know?
Sure, I get that. If that feels better to you right now, just do that. =) I was just saying if you felt up for it at some point, but definitely don't put pressure on yourself if you're not. =)
I think it's just my personality, nothing disordered about it.
Maybe you're right but, idk, maybe it's my background in psychology but I do genuinely wonder about it. Generally when people experience these kinds of extremes there's more to it, you know? And often people don't know that for a long time in their lives. I know that was the case for me. But you do with that information what you wish, of course. =)
Yeah, there's just all these issues now with my eating disorder and depression and ethics and everything...and I've never been comfortable with the apps. They've always left me disgusted because I had this feeling of "shopping for another human being." There's so many people that you're almost forced to judge by physical appearance, and I don't want to be that kind of person, especially since I'm lucky enough to be someone who is capable of developing attraction after developing feelings, which not everyone can say. Also I'd be entirely unwilling to take photos of myself right now. And if I don't have that option then I don't really have any other options now that I've left work and plan on just staying home all day (don't have the energy to do any "activities").
I get that. I don't like the apps either, tbh. But, you know, when all you've got is lemons you make lemonade, I guess. =p So, you know, I made do with it. Even though I share your feelings about them. You can definitely take your time though with some. I know that I always like to look through the profiles first. And there's also different dating apps. Like I feel like OkCupid is a little less superficial than Tinder. Or you also have Lovetastic, which doesn't even have pics. Although that one has fewer users. And, yeah, I definitely get feeling unwilling to take pictures of yourself right now. I have body dysmorphia, so I know how that feels. As for other options, still plenty of places online to meet people, you know. Other than SS, lol. Odd as it may seem, I've actually even met some people on Twitter that I now consider friends. As for activities, maybe some energy will return once you've had time to recuperate a little bit from everything that has been happening. Had some time to watch some old movies you like or whatever. I know that kind of thing helps me a little bit. But you can see. For now just don't worry about it. =)

I'm not sure I left much to reply to here, so if you want to leave now, you have my blessing <3

It's not weird to say that btw, I'll probably keep you in my thoughts too and hope for the best for you too. Hugs back.
Oh, you underestimate my long-windedness, I always have things to say. =p

That honestly does genuinely make me happy to hear. You made me smile just now. Thank you for that I needed that smile in my life. =)
 
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