Venting feel just kinda not good anymore

[blank_slab]

I know the title doesn't make any sense but there's no good short way to word how I'm feeling recently. With summer happening right now I have spent so much time alone because I have nothing else to do because I'm horrible at making plans or just trying to talk to anyone right now. I've spent much more time alone than normal and it's given me time to realize how horrible I actually am and how I'm just a nuisance to everyone around me I've always tried to live life by saying "oh I'm better now" or "I'll do better in the future" I know I wont I'm just always going to be horrible and unable to help or care for anyone. I'm tired of living I don't want to die because I still have stuff I have to do but I just don't want to live anymore. I just feel like I'm not going to be able to keep my sense of self much longer I might actually self reference myself to a ward at this point because I don't really know who I am anymore I'm always flipping between characters I make up to appease people that I don't know which one is actually me anymore. that's probably something I should mention that I haven't really mentioned before but It's weird whenever I'm around other people I kinda start acting like a different "character" kinda like a stage performance because honestly at this point that's my only way of coping with how I am but the problem that I've never had time to think about is that I don't know which one is really me anymore is it really the sad dude who posts on this forum or is it the one who is so involved in the present that he ends up doing something despite his beliefs as a person. It's frustrating and I'm all out of energy for typing thanks for anyone who reads the whole thing and sorry that some of it doesn't make sense I'm just kinda typing first thoughts I love you guys you guys are the only people that I can express myself to and I'm so happy for you all I love you guys so dang much feel free to send me a private message if you want I would love to talk to anyone who reads all of this and wants to hear any more or just ask me questions