feel gaslit and confused

[akana]

I went from wanting to be nobody else except myself from wanting to be everyone else but myself.
Music literally stimulated my insides and now I can't hear it. I'm going down some route I literally do not want to be going down. My life isn't my life anymore it's literally my worst nightmare is people thinking I was 'just depressed'. My brain's literally given up with people.
I literally feel like a gem that's just been run through the fucking mud. I had so many interests. I wanted to be a music producer, shine out my alter ego (which does not exist anymore lmfao because a bitch is tired and screwed herself), direct music videos, make eps. a year back i was debating buying bape clothes for my future babies. i felt like such a cool fucking human being and i wanted to just get out there. turns out i will not have future babies.


no one ever even took me seriously bc had they then I never would've reached such a point. I really am such a misanthrope now. I feel like ppl just have this idea painted of them in their heads and now im fitting it and its literally making me feel sick. I felt like I knew so much about the world. literally all i've ever wanted to do in life is create, curate, be on my shit. And instead my life's a void lmfao. I genuinely feel like i was one of the coolest people, not to sound egotistical, that just got washed the fuck up for no reason. I had ideas all the fucking time and was smart and I feel like such a fucking dumbass now. My mind doesnt think of the same cool shit. I had so much faith in people and trust for them to sadly fuck it up just for them to tell me i "couldve communicated".
I genuinely am so confused by what's been of this lifetime. Having a small circle seems to have backfired and the only reason I haven't killed myself is literally because I do not want people to think I was "just depressed" and thought there was nothing to life.
I just got sick of people over and over not even being there or caring in the right ways or literally giving a shit properly and doing it by yourself only gets you so far. My brain has shrunk from incredibly intense trauma. My brain is on fucking fire everyday omg, I literally have no stimulation but simultaneously I can't even fucking read anything. I kid you not when I say my dna and face shape's changed bc of how much cortisol is just in my mind. I used to be a feeling, beautiful being w a beautiful mind and I just wanted to do everything and I couldn't decide what to ever do w life cause there's so much! I cannot believe what's gone down. What I've become.I've felt my head physically break and it's fucking insane. I genuinely wanted to be a high achiever and get out there in the world. Live my youth. This ain't youth bro..I gave up on myself before even doing anything, so hard


All I'm annoyed about is that I didnt talk to people enough. bc I was shy. when we had the exact same tastes in shit.
I've lost my entire character. i havent done the shit i wanna do in so long. talked to the people i wanted. let them know how much i fucking love this and that song and regret that i saw that exact song on youtube and its so fucking good. mannn. its those kind of things that i hate myself for not doing. for not mentioning out of being nervous when i couldve sparked big and bright opportunities for myself. not this route. i really hate whatever is going on. i really have lost my ego, aura, drive, anything and everything i had deep inside me. i am so dead inside.
bro songs that literally used to make me wanna puke bc they're so good. feel like the NPC of my own fucking life now and don't even have an inside head voice because I am so incredibly exposed by people n my parents have continued over and over to treat me like a literal 5 year old and it's had the worst impact on me.
I've had for pretty much my whole life OCD even though I never wanted to bring it up bc shit like that I used to be super super private with (and guess it backfired).
I can't meet anybody bc I stink from stress and how was I gonna tell them my fucking life story. That 'life story' built up and up and up and im mindfucked now. i didn't expect things to take such a route. Had I known they would I wouldve moved out so much fucking earlier man.....
I dont want to die but for the love of god I don't want the most basic dumb fucking articles written about me and comments coming from people who never even fucking knew me. I was supposed to fucking win and I got gaslit to oblivion and fell so gullible to my parents. I have to die and look like I was "simply depressed". Its the most fucked up shit in the world. I wish people couldve seen what I fucking faced man. I can't even remember jack shit because I'm mindfucked. Like I keep saying to myself "i was not this person".....i never ever thought or felt these things. I really truly think my life got ended early by my parents and I just have to sit here n fucking deal w it.


I def could've had the world in my hands.

My brains on fire now tho. ive done nothing since oct. my mind is so fucked. I'm the kind of person who was only ever suicidal and wanted to die cause I feel like im in the wrong places and that my potential couldve been exerted so much more, or that im not doing enough. I really wanted to do interviews and so much cool shit but simultaneously i dont want to be this person and taking my life this route was a mistake.

It's so funny that when i'd see suicidewatch i'd actually despise how negative ppl were cause theres so much more to life to see and do and you can literally take it in any direction you want. yet im here hahaha. how the turn tables - I'm v confused. I'm kinda heartbroken for myself fr. for letting myself down kinda. i had SO MUCH more to give to the world, but not like this - i had so many cool mantras and shit i wanted to do. all of which i pretty much did not follow lol. at all. All I've ever wanted to do is push myself in life to see how far the brain can go. this is not what i meant by it.

My advice to you all is that there's a whole world out there. Go experiment. If you don't like something - do it. it could be your muse. Force yourself to do the shit you dont like - music, any fucking kind of hobby. Make a story. The world is literally there. Explore. Explore. Explore it. I have not explored enough in this lifetime and i think it just led me to feeling like this. Pharrell is my fucking muse and I can't believe i really let myself down by literally not doing my curiosity justice. not getting myself out there and becoming a lazy fuck. Everyone knew I was going to die so there's literally no way of making it look mysterious in any way n i've literally not posted on the gram in 2 years hoping that i could make a big ass hiatus when I came back. I really wanted my story to be that I go to uni, finally FINALLY get myself out there and what not and it all fucking fell to a pile of shit. the climax, climax, climax of finally, i get out there. i didnt want coming back home and universal credit to be my story. i felt so guilty for that and that after everything wtf am i worth? I am so misanthropic now and I kinda am so ambivalent about my death. everybody is a fraud to me. i am so upset for myself. i feel like my entire life and heads been taken from me.

I'm not even going out on my own terms really. from oversharing so much abt how im gonna do it lmfao. but the only way i've mentally come to terms with my death is that time will speed up super fast and that someone like me is gonna rebirth in a few generations and make it out there. I really just wanna be reborn and all this useless info that makes me feel dry as hell just go away. my brain is so dry. i dont feel music. when it used to make me wanna fucking orgasm!!!! i loved that shit! hard ass drums, and beautiful chords. I literally used to have so many fucking daydreams and I dont know where the fuck they went? like i'd daydream all the time. and life just felt like mine, i had earloops, everything, ocd was hard but whatever it was gonna be a secret part of my comeup and just was always a quirk i mentioned to ppl. i kid you not when i say my ocd does not exist anymore.

i used to daydream to myself trying to explain each layer of chord, every single part of the music that's going on. all i fucking wanted to do was bring myself out and express myself. going back home was a fucking hellhole. fuck man. same w animation. I really had such attention to detail with things. so much i wanted to explore but home was always so fucking bad and every beautiful idea i had would leave my head because of my dad who is my misophonia trigger. anytime hed do something my ideas would leave. so i never got to express them fully.
so many times at the start of the year i'd said to my parents that i couldnt deal with them. and they couldnt deal w me apparently because i was 'distracting' them w work. when all the time all i ever wanted to do was move out bc obviously it was annoying for them but annoying for me the most bc they didnt share the pain or frustration of me working my life around them.
Fuck man. I never wanted to die. ever since that convo i had with them its made me feel like they took the fucking lead on my life and can just treat me like shit. as if my entire suffering was for nothing.. like the world just feels so silent now and its fucking crazy. back before it used to feel like mine. i never used to want to commit fully until that day. oct 10th. i really feel captured by my own parents lol. i really want freedom and to make a story of my fucking life. its been so long since i listened to samples or made beats, because i literally feel fucking disabled.

the worst part of all this is that I literally never talked to anybody on instagram and the reason for that was because I felt the need to "work hard and get where i wanted to be" before i talked to anybody. but my entire year in 2021 was trying to move out. 2022? dont ask. literally just trying to kill myself everyday, since oct 2021. oh my god like....the irony man. and i end up having not talked to anybody and nobody knowing me. bruh. my reality. holy shit. and not one single person knew me or talked to me because I remember that I was too scared to tell or talk to anybody or explain to people on instagram that why i hadnt made music was because i HAD FUCKING HORRIBLE MISOPHONIA AND THAT ID SCREAM SHUT THE FUCK UP everytime when trying to make beats. how are you supposed to tell someone that? its like how was i ever supposed to make conversation w people? oh yes i make music but ive not made a beat since july 2021. great.
so i look like to ppl like i was never interested in music. and now i really am just fucked. i cant even hear music. anhedonia or whatever the fuck. i strayed and became stagnant on my own life in hopes that something would give, and it did not. i didnt know what that made me.
i wanted was to express myself but not this way by fucking up my life so hard. i don't want any funeral if it aint at least one person i liked playing there. I wasnt even fully in love with my boyfriend. I've never even felt full love before. only the slightest tinge and that was at 17/18, with two people, whom I'd fucked both relationships with and hate myself for that. ive not even got anywhere ever since.

the only thing that's made me come to terms with dying is that when i die, i can't feel perceived because i literally wont be able to feel perception when I'm dead. i wish i was taken a bit more seriously in this life but it really never happened. leaving the earth with literally having given nothing is ass. i really wish i'd just fucking moved out earlier.

i really wanted to feel and live authentically in hopes that something would give back, then i just slowly became misanthropic. I feel so taken advantage of by everybody. there's so much wrong here. how i was never fully appreciated to the max. at all. genuinely wondering if my entire family and bf just had their heads stuck up their ass, truth is i was never even meant to be w my boyfriend at all. Why I stayed w him, I felt guilty or that i had something to prove. that maybe he was the one and god sent me him to change my ways or some dumb shit like that (OCD after all).

It scares me that god literally doesnt even exist. this is it. this is the lifetime we get, i get, after enduring everything, i get handed back jack and fuck myself over, and other people fuck me over and i feel like the leftover. lmao. why. why. why have i fucked myself THIS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! i do not have misophonia even anymore bc i am so desensitised and people think i was faking my entire life lol
If anybody's wondering I am going to die by jumping off an overpass in, yes, mexico (horrible place but my body is so lazy that i didnt even plan the trip lol i thought it was really nice here but its ass) in hopes that i get run over by a car instantly after falling bc i am not risking waking up again at all or brain damaged, even tho i am already so brain damaged. i dont even want to do it like that but it's just the only way i know for sure that i will not be awake again. if anything, if there were guns i'd have done it in the comfort of my own home; asleep w my fave clothes, blankets, some music playing.....to fade out like a song outro.

man, i hate this. i hate that i let it get here. that this is all my life fucking mounted to. i wish i'd taken more risks and just expressed myself, every inch. bought clothes and cool shit and not feel SO guilty. all i'd do w clothes is buy and refund them. literally life was so hard but easy at the same time. idk. im really confused. Ily P. thank u for everything. ur a godsend and i did not take my life in the direction it was meant to go. Music was supposed to be my story; every day at the library at school i'd use logic pro to make beats. i was supposed to be a producer. that was it. i was supposed to be on my steeze. not this direction or whatever the fuck this is man. just not this way. not universal credit and shit lol. i was supposed to express myself, but i didnt know how to and was at such a loss. i actually got scared of doing my own hobby, a lot - not that i wasnt interested in it. going on my macbook pro scared me so much bc of the tics and shit i knew were always about to come when i started. and it felt like a whole world there on my laptop. i always began to eventually associate music with how good everybody else was at it rather than doing it for myself. why was i scared of my own hobby? god, my brain was so complex. i wish i could be reborn again. god doesnt even exist but i wish he walked me thru my mind and stuff. sigh.....logging out world. i think that convo w my parents made me trick myself into thinking my entire suffering was for nothing. oct 10th. i dont even have tics or misophonia anymore. nothing makes sense. my world is so upside down. i do not like this.
i absolutely hate ppl for getting the wrong idea of me, even my parents didnt even know me lol.
if you could be asked to read - congrats and sending love to you wherever and whatever ur doing

 

[freedompass]

I can feel the pain through your words. You feel you've lost your best self and are left with a husk. You're trying to work out how the hell it happened. And bitterly lamenting the loss while hating on yourself for the perceived mistakes and failures that led you to this. Well idk that's the best summary I have, there was a lot there. Jumping off an overpass to be run over by a car or cars seems an extremely bleak and violent prospect. Just wanna say. It's perfectly ok to 'give nothing' to this world. You gave me a new word, misophonia so there you are. You still seem young. The 20's can be torturous, mine were, I'd never wanna go back to that ever. Well, I wish you peace in whatever form you can find it.

 

[akana]

I can feel the pain through your words. You feel you've lost your best self and are left with a husk. You're trying to work out how the hell it happened. And bitterly lamenting the loss while hating on yourself for the perceived mistakes and failures that led you to this. Well idk that's the best summary I have, there was a lot there. Jumping off an overpass to be run over by a car or cars seems an extremely bleak and violent prospect. Just wanna say. It's perfectly ok to 'give nothing' to this world. You gave me a new word, misophonia so there you are. You still seem young. The 20's can be torturous, mine were, I'd never wanna go back to that ever. Well, I wish you peace in whatever form you can find it.

yeah man. i really lost myself. my heart, emotions. i feel a bit fucked about how i let myself get here and torture myself mentally after everything ive been through. like i really never lived a life, idk. i want all these beautiful memories other ppl have that maybe i couldve. idk. good songs make me sad. they just remind me of the shit i want. it really took tons of torture to get here. i can't physically delve back into my life and beautiful feelings again. my brain fucked as hell man....feeling like you need to swim deep deep deep mentally to get your feelings back is insane.

i know, i hate it. ive mentally detatched myself from my belongings. when they were things i loved. i treated them w such delicacy and id chuck them around when i was sad, and have to heal from that and that would make my day bad, but now i chuck shit round and it doesnt do anything. cause i dont feel anything. at all. day time any thing at all. the real only regret is simply not doing it earlier

dying this way is yes, horrible, i just dont know how to hang myself lol cause i went here w no money to basically force myself to have no option but to die. i am cruel to myself, god. im staying at some place n i really would hang myself i just dont want to risk doing it wrong at all.

 

[freedompass]

Oh gosh that sounds so awful to be honest, so lonely and scary and you certainly do seem to be torturing yourself. What if there is a way back from this? You didn't want to be perceived as 'just depressed', but there is no 'just' about it, just because the word is stupidly overused doesn't mean the actual clinical condition isn't extremely serious and potentially deadly. It sounds like you've had all the time and solitude in the world to overthink everything and berate yourself for every flaw or perceived false step. So you took off to Mexico 'out of laziness'? Hmmm ok you mentioned UC so maybe you're from the UK, well so am I. Not that it matters but why Mexico? You think you have OCD? Maybe you do but there are probably a few other issues jostling for position. Like depression, yes fraid so the major culprit but possibly some BPD or other delights. I hope for your sake not bipolar. Please forgive me for trying to diagnose. What I really wanna do is get you to have some mercy on yourself? Like. You are a suffering human being right now. You are struggling. You deserve some help, some support, some compassion. Same as anyone else in your position.

 

[adz22]

I felt this post. I've been like this for the last 4 months now too. Like you, I had it all going for me, but I've gone and let so many other people become the main character in my life that not I don't know who I am or what I want anymore. And the thing is nobody understands what it's like to have your whole reality twisted and turned unless it's happened to them. I really hope you can find yourself again. You sound like a great person!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Sounds like you had a nervous break down. Or maybe you're manic depressive?

 

[its-about-time]

Yo. I can tell already I like you. You ever get a professional diagnosis of that OCD? Because, as a person with bipolar and associated ocd traits … you sound like a person with bipolar and ocd traits. Ha. Seriously, reading that post made me feel like I was going manic myself or something.

Your passion for music extends beyond how most people experience passion. It affects you in rather unique ways. If you do have some sort of "mood disorder" (ie bipolar) this would be spot on… absolute unrelentless passion and creativity and flow and being just one with the thing you're doing … it's so real. And it is fucking AMAZING. And it can continue for a long time, especially if it's hypomania instead of mania (basically a minor form of mania)… and guess what happens when it ends? You suddenly find yourself in a horrific mind-bending depression that's just as intense and long lasting (untreated).

Music is my thing too, in a different way than you, but still significant to me. When I'm "up," I exist for writing music. I don't sleep. I don't eat. Everything just flows from everything I am into my instruments and the recording software and the editing, the lyrics just come to me as if I'd known them an eternity. I easily complete 3-4 songs a day, starting with absolutely nothing and ending with something that I find really beautiful and moving and personal. Ugh, it's fucking BLISS. I know who I am in those times.

It's been awhile for me. It's been since January 2021 that I was able to write. I've made a couple songs since then, tried to force myself back into it, but it was emotionally disastrous. Then the depression hit November 2021 and well it's been a shit show since then.

All this is to say… I'm just relating to you.

I'm curious if you've considered this bipolar theory for any reasons or ever been assessed for it… many people don't discover the bipolar or have it discovered by others for quite some time because it is only obvious after a pattern emerges over time… can take awhile to diagnose. But if you look into it and discover that it describes you, you might be excited to know a couple things …

One, there's kind of a joke about there being a "bipolar superpower"… so many are very talented, talent that compliments their passion, in creative subjects.. it's a wild ride but it's one most people will never experience. It's also really fucking hard. Bipolar is one of the mental illnesses that benefits primarily from medication, unlike depression and anxiety and such. Which means… unless you're treatment resistant (meaning meds don't work), you could very well just take meds and not even really need therapy to get back on with your life. It's easier to take the meds when you're depressed to feel better but hard to take the meds when you're feeling good, because they prevent that ultra amazing creativity.

I'm writing a novel here so I'll stop. I think you should look into it. And if I am wildly misguided, please attribute it to the fact that it is 5:04am and I have not had even the smallest desire to sleep, and I am just rolling with what I am feeling here.

Love to you. PM if you feel like it.

 

[akana]

Sounds like you had a nervous break down. Or maybe you're manic depressive?

nope, gaslit its super hard to explain. i was ok before this.

Yo. I can tell already I like you. You ever get a professional diagnosis of that OCD? Because, as a person with bipolar and associated ocd traits … you sound like a person with bipolar and ocd traits. Ha. Seriously, reading that post made me feel like I was going manic myself or something.

Your passion for music extends beyond how most people experience passion. It affects you in rather unique ways. If you do have some sort of "mood disorder" (ie bipolar) this would be spot on… absolute unrelentless passion and creativity and flow and being just one with the thing you're doing … it's so real. And it is fucking AMAZING. And it can continue for a long time, especially if it's hypomania instead of mania (basically a minor form of mania)… and guess what happens when it ends? You suddenly find yourself in a horrific mind-bending depression that's just as intense and long lasting (untreated).

Music is my thing too, in a different way than you, but still significant to me. When I'm "up," I exist for writing music. I don't sleep. I don't eat. Everything just flows from everything I am into my instruments and the recording software and the editing, the lyrics just come to me as if I'd known them an eternity. I easily complete 3-4 songs a day, starting with absolutely nothing and ending with something that I find really beautiful and moving and personal. Ugh, it's fucking BLISS. I know who I am in those times.

It's been awhile for me. It's been since January 2021 that I was able to write. I've made a couple songs since then, tried to force myself back into it, but it was emotionally disastrous. Then the depression hit November 2021 and well it's been a shit show since then.

All this is to say… I'm just relating to you.

I'm curious if you've considered this bipolar theory for any reasons or ever been assessed for it… many people don't discover the bipolar or have it discovered by others for quite some time because it is only obvious after a pattern emerges over time… can take awhile to diagnose. But if you look into it and discover that it describes you, you might be excited to know a couple things …

One, there's kind of a joke about there being a "bipolar superpower"… so many are very talented, talent that compliments their passion, in creative subjects.. it's a wild ride but it's one most people will never experience. It's also really fucking hard. Bipolar is one of the mental illnesses that benefits primarily from medication, unlike depression and anxiety and such. Which means… unless you're treatment resistant (meaning meds don't work), you could very well just take meds and not even really need therapy to get back on with your life. It's easier to take the meds when you're depressed to feel better but hard to take the meds when you're feeling good, because they prevent that ultra amazing creativity.

I'm writing a novel here so I'll stop. I think you should look into it. And if I am wildly misguided, please attribute it to the fact that it is 5:04am and I have not had even the smallest desire to sleep, and I am just rolling with what I am feeling here.

Love to you. PM if you feel like it.

I dont have bipolar, just OCD. maybe adhd probably too but really i hate attaching that to my identity. another reason why i wanna kms lol.
Never needed a professional diagnosis because ive never been the type to put a label on it. have lived w it since a kid but its never been something i wanted to rant about. im more pissed off that my parents never understood it and the emphasis of how hard ive tried working around them and they dont seem to ever care properly. and i dont mean in the fact that its sucha struggle, i meant in the fact that i have unused potential that im trying to achieve and the noise and shit they're making is stopping me from living my youth and getting it off the ground.
awks now that shits all gone anyway

also with music ive never attached it to anything w OCD. im not the type of person to think cause i have loads of talents and shit that its just bc i have 'mental illness' or whatever, i kind of hate that stigma. love for music always stemmed from childhood & me just being open minded as a kid.
I know other people with the same exact music taste I have and it's a very very niche/ small fanbase / percentage of people & i was trying to immerse myself within that always, basically. i know the group of people im supposed to be around but im so distant from any of that anymore

hard to explain the shit im facing wasnt mental illness or just manic depression it was more of people really not getting me ever and doing things that piss me off like talking abt me like an object and trying to stand my ground for myself but it became too overwhelming bc people have a certain image painted out of me, because all theyve ever seen is my misophonia or whatever and not the shit that i wanted to bring out like EPS and whatever because it was literally almost impossible to focus during last year. libraries wouldve been my go to but they were all shut. having a small circle has been toxic after all. they've made me gullible / vulnerable. and thing is talking about it makes it even worse because i just focus more attention onto the wrong shit. I'd always keep it private because I really wanted to be part of a certain clique and had ambitions to, just havent played my cards right. i used to have so many ambitions and shit i wanted to do but my mind doesnt think of the same shit anymore. i feel a bit too perceived by people like im supposed to be standing my ground and so many continuous attempts they just never got it cause they see me a certain way because i never got to express myself, because, roundabout circle: i couldnt bc i was always at home and waiting for the day i could finally fucking move out and express myself slowly. i was a really specific person and now i feel like i am just an image of everybody else and its so retarded. i had a mental aesthetic and really had fleeting thoughts of dying but only for the reason that I knew i had so much more to give. and now its not even fucking there bc of my parents lol

Oh gosh that sounds so awful to be honest, so lonely and scary and you certainly do seem to be torturing yourself. What if there is a way back from this? You didn't want to be perceived as 'just depressed', but there is no 'just' about it, just because the word is stupidly overused doesn't mean the actual clinical condition isn't extremely serious and potentially deadly. It sounds like you've had all the time and solitude in the world to overthink everything and berate yourself for every flaw or perceived false step. So you took off to Mexico 'out of laziness'? Hmmm ok you mentioned UC so maybe you're from the UK, well so am I. Not that it matters but why Mexico? You think you have OCD? Maybe you do but there are probably a few other issues jostling for position. Like depression, yes fraid so the major culprit but possibly some BPD or other delights. I hope for your sake not bipolar. Please forgive me for trying to diagnose. What I really wanna do is get you to have some mercy on yourself? Like. You are a suffering human being right now. You are struggling. You deserve some help, some support, some compassion. Same as anyone else in your position.

nah, no BPD lol. i just went cause my boyfriend who isnt even my boyfriend said i should but it was literally months ago he told me to go and make beats. i gave my laptop to him anyway in hopes that he would read my notes, but no, nobody was like me in that aspect. nobody was even gonna read my notes after dying lol. i had to tell him to literally look through my notes.

there is literally no logical reasoning behind it. even tho i didnt even wanna go there lol. and its ugly as hell here anyways. thats the thing as well i literally never needed anyone to tell me what to do ever. i never thought life was work food job. off topic but yeah.
i dont want compassion anymore its a bit cringe to me lmao. i am not the type of person to want sympathy. it does nothing for my situation. it just makes me cringe sorry.
I knew the type of therapist and therapies i wanted but that's where it gets fucked up is that i basically left it way too late. don't say its too late - just understand if you were me you'd get what I mean. I can't explain my situation to anybody in full. its more a case of not having expressed my character to people properly and finding the right words and people "think they know me" really well now. idk. The only way I couldve lived a normal life is if i'd tape recorded everything if i knew it was gonna go down. if that happened i'd be cool

Yo. I can tell already I like you. You ever get a professional diagnosis of that OCD? Because, as a person with bipolar and associated ocd traits … you sound like a person with bipolar and ocd traits. Ha. Seriously, reading that post made me feel like I was going manic myself or something.

Your passion for music extends beyond how most people experience passion. It affects you in rather unique ways. If you do have some sort of "mood disorder" (ie bipolar) this would be spot on… absolute unrelentless passion and creativity and flow and being just one with the thing you're doing … it's so real. And it is fucking AMAZING. And it can continue for a long time, especially if it's hypomania instead of mania (basically a minor form of mania)… and guess what happens when it ends? You suddenly find yourself in a horrific mind-bending depression that's just as intense and long lasting (untreated).

Music is my thing too, in a different way than you, but still significant to me. When I'm "up," I exist for writing music. I don't sleep. I don't eat. Everything just flows from everything I am into my instruments and the recording software and the editing, the lyrics just come to me as if I'd known them an eternity. I easily complete 3-4 songs a day, starting with absolutely nothing and ending with something that I find really beautiful and moving and personal. Ugh, it's fucking BLISS. I know who I am in those times.

It's been awhile for me. It's been since January 2021 that I was able to write. I've made a couple songs since then, tried to force myself back into it, but it was emotionally disastrous. Then the depression hit November 2021 and well it's been a shit show since then.

All this is to say… I'm just relating to you.

I'm curious if you've considered this bipolar theory for any reasons or ever been assessed for it… many people don't discover the bipolar or have it discovered by others for quite some time because it is only obvious after a pattern emerges over time… can take awhile to diagnose. But if you look into it and discover that it describes you, you might be excited to know a couple things …

One, there's kind of a joke about there being a "bipolar superpower"… so many are very talented, talent that compliments their passion, in creative subjects.. it's a wild ride but it's one most people will never experience. It's also really fucking hard. Bipolar is one of the mental illnesses that benefits primarily from medication, unlike depression and anxiety and such. Which means… unless you're treatment resistant (meaning meds don't work), you could very well just take meds and not even really need therapy to get back on with your life. It's easier to take the meds when you're depressed to feel better but hard to take the meds when you're feeling good, because they prevent that ultra amazing creativity.

I'm writing a novel here so I'll stop. I think you should look into it. And if I am wildly misguided, please attribute it to the fact that it is 5:04am and I have not had even the smallest desire to sleep, and I am just rolling with what I am feeling here.

Love to you. PM if you feel like it.

nah sorry the post made you go manic, again i used to be super articulate w my word and not write so much and be able to paragraph properly and shit but that doesnt happen anymore. dont blame you for going crazy reading it. i used to have synesthesia too. like 2 years ago.
i def relate to you too with finding myself during music. thats all the bliss i ever wanted!! I would find it tiny blips but w misophonia at home and my dad being my trigger i could never find that fucking bliss. hence why at the start of the year i was literally fucking suicidal and kept mentioning it to my parents. ever since he was retired it took a toll on my life because i never ever ever had any space to myself. id cherish the moments i had when ppl were out the house but then i couldnt because my mind just wanted a breather from being so stressed and trapped.

before he retired it was way easier. i'd look everywhere for music. on tv i'd hear cool stuff and need to write it down. certain sounds in the kitchen or whatever, or before i go to sleep i'd hear certain music but i'd have to focus and fake sleep before it could continue. if i woke up then the music would be gone. all these things and cool shit im pretty sure all existed before my dad retired lol. before then i was def more confident. hell, not even then, i've made a habit of convincing myself that i was ok then but really its only because im going through hell now. Same w my parents, they convinced me that i was okay all until october but not even lol. my ocd is kind of time related and my confidence too. i'd turn clocks away and have done so since a few years ago. time is a big fear of mine. i would turn the time off on my laptop and stuff too. again, another part of my ocd that is not there. My ocd has not been there ina million ways and i cannot function, ever since that convo. i am thinking it mustve been the good and cool parts of me that were ocd too after all because these do not exist either. i havent had earworms in so long. or thoughts about my career and life path. and my lifes over anyways lel. and i would not use certain grammar that i'm using and like...i had opinions on shit you know and they literally dont exist anymore. i had daydreams. i had a million fucking thoughts. i cannot escape this shit. feeling like im trying to learn everything abt myself again and its done or proved nothing. again, hate talking about ocd because it was supposed to be a small tiny blip of my come up story and quirk of mine / secret i enjoy telling people rather than something i rant about and its become the opposite. i think this is literally also why i want to die. i dont really fucking know anymore what the fuck is what but i am doing all the wrong shit i promised myself i wouldnt.

if im not putting it to use or wasting time its a bad day and everyday out has been a bad day for fuck knows how long. my mind is too far gone

fast forward now i dont even feel bliss anymore or myself. shitshow i never scratched the surface of self expression :(
life is a fuck shitshow and my heads a hellhole now. my dreams are just related to trying to find freedom. its all cortisol. i dont have any estrogen in my body or any of the shit i used to have. wiped out as hell. my face is droopy and my eyelids are droopy. i dont wanna die but my body is saying it needs a permanent rest :( everything is stress. i have spots for the first time ever and my skin was always clear. thats how bad it is. ive never had spots in my life.
i had so many bigger dreams to achieve and talking life away wasnt one of them or feeling like the underdog to my own parents lmao. I felt 24 at 19 and 5 at 20. my mind is just trying to get dopamine all the time now. its not natural to feel like i have to exercise my mind, thats what i was always doing. my ocd is literally gone cause some convo w my parents made me confused. i told them that my tics are maybe passive aggressive and it ruined my entire life.
they started moving my shit around ever since a certain day thinking i was just suddenly okay with it. they think that me having ocd is some "means of control". its just made me want to die ever since. and thing is i hate talking about it cause my ocd then tells me thats all my life is about & i have to have tics to cancel out the thoughts and stuff. my tics have not been there because after that in my mind i was saying 'oh yeah i said my tics were passive aggressive so i can't have them' . holy fuck lol im really confused. i think i felt some invisible power dynamic between my parents and it made me want to die. i dont fucking know whats going on anymore but i havent felt anything good or reached any kind of milestone or lived a life at all. at all. ive not listened to music in fuck knows how long or made beats. i abstained cause i just got even more scared of my fucking hobbies. i think this is all to do with feeling behind on my life. not necessarily depressed. and then my mind started worrying alot about suicide because people will just think im depressed when and if it gets let out there

Oh gosh that sounds so awful to be honest, so lonely and scary and you certainly do seem to be torturing yourself. What if there is a way back from this? You didn't want to be perceived as 'just depressed', but there is no 'just' about it, just because the word is stupidly overused doesn't mean the actual clinical condition isn't extremely serious and potentially deadly. It sounds like you've had all the time and solitude in the world to overthink everything and berate yourself for every flaw or perceived false step. So you took off to Mexico 'out of laziness'? Hmmm ok you mentioned UC so maybe you're from the UK, well so am I. Not that it matters but why Mexico? You think you have OCD? Maybe you do but there are probably a few other issues jostling for position. Like depression, yes fraid so the major culprit but possibly some BPD or other delights. I hope for your sake not bipolar. Please forgive me for trying to diagnose. What I really wanna do is get you to have some mercy on yourself? Like. You are a suffering human being right now. You are struggling. You deserve some help, some support, some compassion. Same as anyone else in your position.

i think i eventually convinced myself i was evil which is why im doing all this random bs. i dont really know whats going on but my head doesnt like it

 

[nopride86]

Honestly reading this is like it came from my own mouth. Holy shit do I feel you on this one. You can skip reading my post because I'm not in a good place today and I need to vent, but I feel like you'd understand this more than anyone right now.

I wanted to be in the industry more than anything, not even for fame and fortune - I wanted to do A&R. I wanted to help people's talents be known to the world. I thought it was pretty damn altruistic honestly. But nobody would give me the time of day, not internships in college, not the local scene, and definitely not my waif narc mother.

I loved it more than anything and honestly I used to be pretty badass - I collected records, I was front row or helping out at every show and concert in town. I had interests in academia and wellness, but music was what kept my heart beating. But year after year, my own brain turned to mush and bitterness. My health took a downturn. The little pleasures and opportunities I struggled to create were always torn apart by family bullshit anyway. They reinforced it, took advantage of it, and celebrated it.

Now I'm nothing. I bring my body room to room, I make money so I can survive. But Jesus Christ I have no fight left in me. I don't feel like there's much of a person here, with passions or desires. Or even likes. My records and memorabilia haven't been touched in years. They just serve as painful memories of a different life.

Because why bother? What do I have left to look forward to? The continued decay of my mind and body? Financial insecurity? The anxiety of being my mother's emotional incest victim AND her caretaker? I'd rather be numb until the end, but even that is exhausting. It's like….you know when you're watching the final season of a TV show and you just know it's ending? That's my life. But it won't end, it's one nightmare after another.

When I CTB, I also resent that people will assume I'm depressed. I'm "depressed" because I'm freaking angry and I can only turn it inwards. Because as much as I hate everyone else, I really disgust myself.
Maybe I had delusions of grandeur and I was doomed from the start. People would tell me that I wasn't good looking enough to be in the industry and that's why nobody wanted take a chance on me. Why should that have mattered? Now I'm almost 30 which is too old to be relevant.
Some other bright-eyed kid has already taken my place in this world and fuck, I really really hope they make it.

All of this to say, that your feelings are valid and I understand your pain. Idk what to actually say. I just wish things could have been different for you. You deserved better. I don't know you at all, but I wish we could have seen each other at the top. I hope somehow you find a little corner of the world and share your gifts with it.

 

[akana]

I went from wanting to be nobody else except myself from wanting to be everyone else but myself.
Music literally stimulated my insides and now I can't hear it. I'm going down some route I literally do not want to be going down. My life isn't my life anymore it's literally my worst nightmare is people thinking I was 'just depressed'. My brain's literally given up with people.
I literally feel like a gem that's just been run through the fucking mud. I had so many interests. I wanted to be a music producer, shine out my alter ego (which does not exist anymore lmfao because a bitch is tired and screwed herself), direct music videos, make eps. a year back i was debating buying bape clothes for my future babies. i felt like such a cool fucking human being and i wanted to just get out there. turns out i will not have future babies.


no one ever even took me seriously bc had they then I never would've reached such a point. I really am such a misanthrope now. I feel like ppl just have this idea painted of them in their heads and now im fitting it and its literally making me feel sick. I felt like I knew so much about the world. literally all i've ever wanted to do in life is create, curate, be on my shit. And instead my life's a void lmfao. I genuinely feel like i was one of the coolest people, not to sound egotistical, that just got washed the fuck up for no reason. I had ideas all the fucking time and was smart and I feel like such a fucking dumbass now. My mind doesnt think of the same cool shit. I had so much faith in people and trust for them to sadly fuck it up just for them to tell me i "couldve communicated".
I genuinely am so confused by what's been of this lifetime. Having a small circle seems to have backfired and the only reason I haven't killed myself is literally because I do not want people to think I was "just depressed" and thought there was nothing to life.
I just got sick of people over and over not even being there or caring in the right ways or literally giving a shit properly and doing it by yourself only gets you so far. My brain has shrunk from incredibly intense trauma. My brain is on fucking fire everyday omg, I literally have no stimulation but simultaneously I can't even fucking read anything. I kid you not when I say my dna and face shape's changed bc of how much cortisol is just in my mind. I used to be a feeling, beautiful being w a beautiful mind and I just wanted to do everything and I couldn't decide what to ever do w life cause there's so much! I cannot believe what's gone down. What I've become.I've felt my head physically break and it's fucking insane. I genuinely wanted to be a high achiever and get out there in the world. Live my youth. This ain't youth bro..I gave up on myself before even doing anything, so hard


All I'm annoyed about is that I didnt talk to people enough. bc I was shy. when we had the exact same tastes in shit.
I've lost my entire character. i havent done the shit i wanna do in so long. talked to the people i wanted. let them know how much i fucking love this and that song and regret that i saw that exact song on youtube and its so fucking good. mannn. its those kind of things that i hate myself for not doing. for not mentioning out of being nervous when i couldve sparked big and bright opportunities for myself. not this route. i really hate whatever is going on. i really have lost my ego, aura, drive, anything and everything i had deep inside me. i am so dead inside.
bro songs that literally used to make me wanna puke bc they're so good. feel like the NPC of my own fucking life now and don't even have an inside head voice because I am so incredibly exposed by people n my parents have continued over and over to treat me like a literal 5 year old and it's had the worst impact on me.
I've had for pretty much my whole life OCD even though I never wanted to bring it up bc shit like that I used to be super super private with (and guess it backfired).
I can't meet anybody bc I stink from stress and how was I gonna tell them my fucking life story. That 'life story' built up and up and up and im mindfucked now. i didn't expect things to take such a route. Had I known they would I wouldve moved out so much fucking earlier man.....
I dont want to die but for the love of god I don't want the most basic dumb fucking articles written about me and comments coming from people who never even fucking knew me. I was supposed to fucking win and I got gaslit to oblivion and fell so gullible to my parents. I have to die and look like I was "simply depressed". Its the most fucked up shit in the world. I wish people couldve seen what I fucking faced man. I can't even remember jack shit because I'm mindfucked. Like I keep saying to myself "i was not this person".....i never ever thought or felt these things. I really truly think my life got ended early by my parents and I just have to sit here n fucking deal w it.


I def could've had the world in my hands.

My brains on fire now tho. ive done nothing since oct. my mind is so fucked. I'm the kind of person who was only ever suicidal and wanted to die cause I feel like im in the wrong places and that my potential couldve been exerted so much more, or that im not doing enough. I really wanted to do interviews and so much cool shit but simultaneously i dont want to be this person and taking my life this route was a mistake.

It's so funny that when i'd see suicidewatch i'd actually despise how negative ppl were cause theres so much more to life to see and do and you can literally take it in any direction you want. yet im here hahaha. how the turn tables - I'm v confused. I'm kinda heartbroken for myself fr. for letting myself down kinda. i had SO MUCH more to give to the world, but not like this - i had so many cool mantras and shit i wanted to do. all of which i pretty much did not follow lol. at all. All I've ever wanted to do is push myself in life to see how far the brain can go. this is not what i meant by it.

My advice to you all is that there's a whole world out there. Go experiment. If you don't like something - do it. it could be your muse. Force yourself to do the shit you dont like - music, any fucking kind of hobby. Make a story. The world is literally there. Explore. Explore. Explore it. I have not explored enough in this lifetime and i think it just led me to feeling like this. Pharrell is my fucking muse and I can't believe i really let myself down by literally not doing my curiosity justice. not getting myself out there and becoming a lazy fuck. Everyone knew I was going to die so there's literally no way of making it look mysterious in any way n i've literally not posted on the gram in 2 years hoping that i could make a big ass hiatus when I came back. I really wanted my story to be that I go to uni, finally FINALLY get myself out there and what not and it all fucking fell to a pile of shit. the climax, climax, climax of finally, i get out there. i didnt want coming back home and universal credit to be my story. i felt so guilty for that and that after everything wtf am i worth? I am so misanthropic now and I kinda am so ambivalent about my death. everybody is a fraud to me. i am so upset for myself. i feel like my entire life and heads been taken from me.

I'm not even going out on my own terms really. from oversharing so much abt how im gonna do it lmfao. but the only way i've mentally come to terms with my death is that time will speed up super fast and that someone like me is gonna rebirth in a few generations and make it out there. I really just wanna be reborn and all this useless info that makes me feel dry as hell just go away. my brain is so dry. i dont feel music. when it used to make me wanna fucking orgasm!!!! i loved that shit! hard ass drums, and beautiful chords. I literally used to have so many fucking daydreams and I dont know where the fuck they went? like i'd daydream all the time. and life just felt like mine, i had earloops, everything, ocd was hard but whatever it was gonna be a secret part of my comeup and just was always a quirk i mentioned to ppl. i kid you not when i say my ocd does not exist anymore.

i used to daydream to myself trying to explain each layer of chord, every single part of the music that's going on. all i fucking wanted to do was bring myself out and express myself. going back home was a fucking hellhole. fuck man. same w animation. I really had such attention to detail with things. so much i wanted to explore but home was always so fucking bad and every beautiful idea i had would leave my head because of my dad who is my misophonia trigger. anytime hed do something my ideas would leave. so i never got to express them fully.
so many times at the start of the year i'd said to my parents that i couldnt deal with them. and they couldnt deal w me apparently because i was 'distracting' them w work. when all the time all i ever wanted to do was move out bc obviously it was annoying for them but annoying for me the most bc they didnt share the pain or frustration of me working my life around them.
Fuck man. I never wanted to die. ever since that convo i had with them its made me feel like they took the fucking lead on my life and can just treat me like shit. as if my entire suffering was for nothing.. like the world just feels so silent now and its fucking crazy. back before it used to feel like mine. i never used to want to commit fully until that day. oct 10th. i really feel captured by my own parents lol. i really want freedom and to make a story of my fucking life. its been so long since i listened to samples or made beats, because i literally feel fucking disabled.

the worst part of all this is that I literally never talked to anybody on instagram and the reason for that was because I felt the need to "work hard and get where i wanted to be" before i talked to anybody. but my entire year in 2021 was trying to move out. 2022? dont ask. literally just trying to kill myself everyday, since oct 2021. oh my god like....the irony man. and i end up having not talked to anybody and nobody knowing me. bruh. my reality. holy shit. and not one single person knew me or talked to me because I remember that I was too scared to tell or talk to anybody or explain to people on instagram that why i hadnt made music was because i HAD FUCKING HORRIBLE MISOPHONIA AND THAT ID SCREAM SHUT THE FUCK UP everytime when trying to make beats. how are you supposed to tell someone that? its like how was i ever supposed to make conversation w people? oh yes i make music but ive not made a beat since july 2021. great.
so i look like to ppl like i was never interested in music. and now i really am just fucked. i cant even hear music. anhedonia or whatever the fuck. i strayed and became stagnant on my own life in hopes that something would give, and it did not. i didnt know what that made me.
i wanted was to express myself but not this way by fucking up my life so hard. i don't want any funeral if it aint at least one person i liked playing there. I wasnt even fully in love with my boyfriend. I've never even felt full love before. only the slightest tinge and that was at 17/18, with two people, whom I'd fucked both relationships with and hate myself for that. ive not even got anywhere ever since.

the only thing that's made me come to terms with dying is that when i die, i can't feel perceived because i literally wont be able to feel perception when I'm dead. i wish i was taken a bit more seriously in this life but it really never happened. leaving the earth with literally having given nothing is ass. i really wish i'd just fucking moved out earlier.

i really wanted to feel and live authentically in hopes that something would give back, then i just slowly became misanthropic. I feel so taken advantage of by everybody. there's so much wrong here. how i was never fully appreciated to the max. at all. genuinely wondering if my entire family and bf just had their heads stuck up their ass, truth is i was never even meant to be w my boyfriend at all. Why I stayed w him, I felt guilty or that i had something to prove. that maybe he was the one and god sent me him to change my ways or some dumb shit like that (OCD after all).

It scares me that god literally doesnt even exist. this is it. this is the lifetime we get, i get, after enduring everything, i get handed back jack and fuck myself over, and other people fuck me over and i feel like the leftover. lmao. why. why. why have i fucked myself THIS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! i do not have misophonia even anymore bc i am so desensitised and people think i was faking my entire life lol
If anybody's wondering I am going to die by jumping off an overpass in, yes, mexico (horrible place but my body is so lazy that i didnt even plan the trip lol i thought it was really nice here but its ass) in hopes that i get run over by a car instantly after falling bc i am not risking waking up again at all or brain damaged, even tho i am already so brain damaged. i dont even want to do it like that but it's just the only way i know for sure that i will not be awake again. if anything, if there were guns i'd have done it in the comfort of my own home; asleep w my fave clothes, blankets, some music playing.....to fade out like a song outro.

man, i hate this. i hate that i let it get here. that this is all my life fucking mounted to. i wish i'd taken more risks and just expressed myself, every inch. bought clothes and cool shit and not feel SO guilty. all i'd do w clothes is buy and refund them. literally life was so hard but easy at the same time. idk. im really confused. Ily P. thank u for everything. ur a godsend and i did not take my life in the direction it was meant to go. Music was supposed to be my story; every day at the library at school i'd use logic pro to make beats. i was supposed to be a producer. that was it. i was supposed to be on my steeze. not this direction or whatever the fuck this is man. just not this way. not universal credit and shit lol. i was supposed to express myself, but i didnt know how to and was at such a loss. i actually got scared of doing my own hobby, a lot - not that i wasnt interested in it. going on my macbook pro scared me so much bc of the tics and shit i knew were always about to come when i started. and it felt like a whole world there on my laptop. i always began to eventually associate music with how good everybody else was at it rather than doing it for myself. why was i scared of my own hobby? god, my brain was so complex. i wish i could be reborn again. god doesnt even exist but i wish he walked me thru my mind and stuff. sigh.....logging out world. i think that convo w my parents made me trick myself into thinking my entire suffering was for nothing. oct 10th. i dont even have tics or misophonia anymore. nothing makes sense. my world is so upside down. i do not like this.
i absolutely hate ppl for getting the wrong idea of me, even my parents didnt even know me lol.
if you could be asked to read - congrats and sending love to you wherever and whatever ur doing

To add about feeling love, mistake in what I said
- I did feel love with these two people because I genuinely respected them deep down and they drove me and my ambitions; even when I wasn't talking to them. Love is an NERD song and these people made me feel that. The little moments i'd cherish w them, even just one. Love is that person you have and see one day and you'd do anything to see them again, not only that, but they drive you to really work on yourself and you wanna grow with them. they just fucking lift you. its beautiful. i fucked up love because at 17 i had such incredibly high expectations of myself because i was confident lol and played this game of not needing them, which i now hate myself for. that was just me being way too picky.

They were the kinda people I wanted to do everything for and learn everything about, take photos of, write articles about. My last boyfriend I more felt we were friends and didn't have this insane and beautiful chemistry nor was I affected by him on such a profound level. I wasn't sure why I got w him and always tried to change for him because I was scared of breaking up w him in fear of rejection and feeling like a fraud. Again, the irony. I hate whats fucking happened to me man. And the fucked up situations I got in along w nobody even being there in the ways i needed. kept going back to my bf over and over and over. using probably i guess because i had nobody else after all and felt like i'd die if he wasnt there. this is so fucked up. i def think not being on good terms w my mum has just confirmed my confirmation bias over and over and made me more hard on myself. i want to rest now :( i am so sad of whats become

Honestly reading this is like it came from my own mouth. Holy shit do I feel you on this one. You can skip reading my post because I'm not in a good place today and I need to vent, but I feel like you'd understand this more than anyone right now.

I wanted to be in the industry more than anything, not even for fame and fortune - I wanted to do A&R. I wanted to help people's talents be known to the world. I thought it was pretty damn altruistic honestly. But nobody would give me the time of day, not internships in college, not the local scene, and definitely not my waif narc mother.

I loved it more than anything and honestly I used to be pretty badass - I collected records, I was front row or helping out at every show and concert in town. I had interests in academia and wellness, but music was what kept my heart beating. But year after year, my own brain turned to mush and bitterness. My health took a downturn. The little pleasures and opportunities I struggled to create were always torn apart by family bullshit anyway. They reinforced it, took advantage of it, and celebrated it.

Now I'm nothing. I bring my body room to room, I make money so I can survive. But Jesus Christ I have no fight left in me. I don't feel like there's much of a person here, with passions or desires. Or even likes. My records and memorabilia haven't been touched in years. They just serve as painful memories of a different life.

Because why bother? What do I have left to look forward to? The continued decay of my mind and body? Financial insecurity? The anxiety of being my mother's emotional incest victim AND her caretaker? I'd rather be numb until the end, but even that is exhausting. It's like….you know when you're watching the final season of a TV show and you just know it's ending? That's my life. But it won't end, it's one nightmare after another.

When I CTB, I also resent that people will assume I'm depressed. I'm "depressed" because I'm freaking angry and I can only turn it inwards. Because as much as I hate everyone else, I really disgust myself.
Maybe I had delusions of grandeur and I was doomed from the start. People would tell me that I wasn't good looking enough to be in the industry and that's why nobody wanted take a chance on me. Why should that have mattered? Now I'm almost 30 which is too old to be relevant.
Some other bright-eyed kid has already taken my place in this world and fuck, I really really hope they make it.

All of this to say, that your feelings are valid and I understand your pain. Idk what to actually say. I just wish things could have been different for you. You deserved better. I don't know you at all, but I wish we could have seen each other at the top. I hope somehow you find a little corner of the world and share your gifts with it.

Bro...I love this and this is the kind of shit i wanted to do which is why I am so pissed at my life because in 2020 or years before i probably couldve done these things - i just always thought of myself as not being good enough more or less. The altruistic stuff you've done is really cool I actually envy you for that.
30 isn't too old at all either imo you'd be surprised. There's so many 30 year olds out there still living like they're 20 imo. That's what I noticed as I got older is even 30 year olds don't really know what they're doing.

No one has taken your place. You may need to move onto another chapter or create that?
Idk if you've heard of Marc Rebillet just as an example, his story's pretty cool and I think you may find him inspiring, he's 30 something. He was working in customer services for the biggest portion of his adulthood - no relations to the industry whatsoever. He one day just decided to make random beats and put them on RPAN (reddit) and youtube. Just made songs about about really random stuff, and now he's touring. His streams are dope.

You still have those gifts in you no matter how long you've put off doing anything. Do you think a new environment would help? With completely new records and stuff? Again I don't know ur financial situation or where you're from.i think i couldve done A&R considering how picky i was/used to be. that was a part of me i loved and its not even there anymore. i really felt like i knew the industry and little up & coming artists i could spot before others could. thats the thing. i felt like i couldve done anything and it was only a matter of getting it out there in the world but now i genuinely feel useless. like where tf is everything i learnt about life gone lmao. i think maybe i let too many chances pass me up and just retired from my life, idk. another reason why i feel like ass.

Ialso feel you on the tv show thing. i feel like rn i'm the victim in squid game with everyone having bet on me to make it big and now im taking L's and it's those rich guys laughing at the end. Or like my life is some black mirror episode. I think I'm disgusted too. I just want good chemicals again.

i wanted to be in the industry too but really only for myself; to express myself and a certain part of the industry too. Not like famous famous. i wanted it to be more makeshift. i kinda knew the genres and clique i wanted to get into with music. most of them are unfortunately based in usa lol and i knew id have to work super hard in order to get there with instagram marketing and such and such, but still, i had the means and knowledge to, i just got sick sometimes of having to do it all by myself. Looking back, I couldve done it if i knew my life would take this course, and probably been in an entirely different place by now. Anyway - i wanted to build a life story and that was tied in with how i'd make and release my music, but i cant bc this literally isnt a life story.
I relate to you with your records and stuff, my room serves just bitter memories now.

I had dreams of setting up an airbnb type of thing / experience where i could teach ppl how to use logic pro and stuff. i cant even navigate my own computer now. doing these kinda things i cant even anymore because ive wasted my entire life to the point it actually holds no context. like i could still do these if i wanted maybe but they just wouldnt hold nowhere near the same weight bc ive given up so hard and i hate that. i hate myself after all. the mind is such a trick when it thinks of all the shit i couldve achieved and then when i try work to achieving it i apparntly am worth nothing lol.
sorry for writing so much you dont have to read it all, its not 100 percent related to what you were saying. and sorry for bad paragraphing & sounding so negative. anyway I've typed so much but would be really cool to talk further or dm if you want any tips. i dont know your financial situation but i could give some advice.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so unbearable what you are going through. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens and I wish you the best.

 

[its-about-time]

You have an interesting perspective on "mental illness" (I btw hate and fully reject that term) like it's a full description of who someone is. It's just a demographic really my friend, it's like in a way saying someone is tall or white or something. I mean being tall or white or whatever sure does affect day to day life, like maybe if someone is really short they gotta strategize certain things a little differently than a non-short person like where to keep the dishes in the kitchen, yeah that's life altering but I mean it's not like a full description of who someone is, just a little part of that… sorry to be frank my friend but it's quite clear you have some manifestation of what most of society calls "mental illness" but that doesn't mean shit about who you are, it just means you gotta strategize differently than someone who doesn't experience the world the way you do. I like you mentioned the music while "falling asleep," I love when that happens, sometimes it's random genres but usually it's the most beautiful and moving symphony pieces you can imagine, one's I'd never heard before…. Stunning. Other times it's voices talking but as soon as I realize I'm alone and think to listen to what they're saying it stops, comes right back when I turn my attention off it haha. I like that you responded twice to my comment too and had something different to say each time. I hope you didn't think I was trying to imply you should become like a clog in the mental health system or consider yourself sick. Really I should've said more on embracing where you're at right now as a part of how your mind works, and I'm not talking about mental illness or whatever anymore, what's happening right now is simply factually a part of how your mind works and I know since October feels like a hopelessly long time but honestly it's not. I'd bet a lot of money you're gonna come back full swing and you're gonna burn the goddamn world down with your passion. It's an epic fire I'd be honored to die in.

 

[akana]

You have an interesting perspective on "mental illness" (I btw hate and fully reject that term) like it's a full description of who someone is. It's just a demographic really my friend, it's like in a way saying someone is tall or white or something. I mean being tall or white or whatever sure does affect day to day life, like maybe if someone is really short they gotta strategize certain things a little differently than a non-short person like where to keep the dishes in the kitchen, yeah that's life altering but I mean it's not like a full description of who someone is, just a little part of that… sorry to be frank my friend but it's quite clear you have some manifestation of what most of society calls "mental illness" but that doesn't mean shit about who you are, it just means you gotta strategize differently than someone who doesn't experience the world the way you do. I like you mentioned the music while "falling asleep," I love when that happens, sometimes it's random genres but usually it's the most beautiful and moving symphony pieces you can imagine, one's I'd never heard before…. Stunning. Other times it's voices talking but as soon as I realize I'm alone and think to listen to what they're saying it stops, comes right back when I turn my attention off it haha. I like that you responded twice to my comment too and had something different to say each time. I hope you didn't think I was trying to imply you should become like a clog in the mental health system or consider yourself sick. Really I should've said more on embracing where you're at right now as a part of how your mind works, and I'm not talking about mental illness or whatever anymore, what's happening right now is simply factually a part of how your mind works and I know since October feels like a hopelessly long time but honestly it's not. I'd bet a lot of money you're gonna come back full swing and you're gonna burn the goddamn world down with your passion. It's an epic fire I'd be honored to die in.

yeah thats funny you mentioned at cause i can vaguely remember that i never thought of mental illness to define anybody at all or bat an eyelid to think it defines anybody. like when i see/saw other people with it i never ever thought of it as a label for them so idk why i ever did the same for myself. that's where my thinking has become kinda distorted for some reason which is what i dont like. i never thought these kinda weird, vague and societal typical ways like you said like boxing other people in. i never did that. idk why my brain's doing that. you know? that's another thing thats making me feel really standoffish. brain's weird. i feel like i dont hold any full depth opinions anymore. like my personality is void and so shallow sheesh. it didnt used to be like this

 

[its-about-time]

yeah thats funny you mentioned at cause i can vaguely remember that i never thought of mental illness to define anybody at all or bat an eyelid to think it defines anybody. like when i see/saw other people with it i never ever thought of it as a label for them so idk why i ever did the same for myself. that's where my thinking has become kinda distorted for some reason which is what i dont like. i never thought these kinda weird, vague and societal typical ways like you said like boxing other people in. i never did that. idk why my brain's doing that. you know? that's another thing thats making me feel really standoffish. brain's weird. i feel like i dont hold any full depth opinions anymore. like my personality is void and so shallow sheesh. it didnt used to be like this

Ever heard of an "existential crisis" ? I know it's tossed around a lot and is kind of a cliche but existentialism as a philosophical doctrine represents some big beliefs like about how life is meaningless with the sole exception being the meaning you choose for your life, it leads to some pretty distanced perspectives on society and social roles and whatnot. I actually am very deep into that mindset myself. It makes me want to puke to see people talk to each other, advertisements on the side of grocery bags and stuff like that, just all feels disgustingly contrived and unimportant and meaningless yet it's what people trick themselves into believing is an acceptable reality… it's hard to want to interact with nearly anyone most times because it's just too much. Also I get the double standards thing, not treating yourself with the same fairness and respect and understanding as others… god my therapist asked me once "if someone else was in your exact position, and they confided in you, would you believe suicide was their best option?" Like goddamn that made me angry lol. Because the answer was no, of course, but for me it's yes lol. Makes no sense.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I went from wanting to be nobody else except myself from wanting to be everyone else but myself.
Music literally stimulated my insides and now I can't hear it. I'm going down some route I literally do not want to be going down. My life isn't my life anymore it's literally my worst nightmare is people thinking I was 'just depressed'. My brain's literally given up with people.
I literally feel like a gem that's just been run through the fucking mud. I had so many interests. I wanted to be a music producer, shine out my alter ego (which does not exist anymore lmfao because a bitch is tired and screwed herself), direct music videos, make eps. a year back i was debating buying bape clothes for my future babies. i felt like such a cool fucking human being and i wanted to just get out there. turns out i will not have future babies.


no one ever even took me seriously bc had they then I never would've reached such a point. I really am such a misanthrope now. I feel like ppl just have this idea painted of them in their heads and now im fitting it and its literally making me feel sick. I felt like I knew so much about the world. literally all i've ever wanted to do in life is create, curate, be on my shit. And instead my life's a void lmfao. I genuinely feel like i was one of the coolest people, not to sound egotistical, that just got washed the fuck up for no reason. I had ideas all the fucking time and was smart and I feel like such a fucking dumbass now. My mind doesnt think of the same cool shit. I had so much faith in people and trust for them to sadly fuck it up just for them to tell me i "couldve communicated".
I genuinely am so confused by what's been of this lifetime. Having a small circle seems to have backfired and the only reason I haven't killed myself is literally because I do not want people to think I was "just depressed" and thought there was nothing to life.
I just got sick of people over and over not even being there or caring in the right ways or literally giving a shit properly and doing it by yourself only gets you so far. My brain has shrunk from incredibly intense trauma. My brain is on fucking fire everyday omg, I literally have no stimulation but simultaneously I can't even fucking read anything. I kid you not when I say my dna and face shape's changed bc of how much cortisol is just in my mind. I used to be a feeling, beautiful being w a beautiful mind and I just wanted to do everything and I couldn't decide what to ever do w life cause there's so much! I cannot believe what's gone down. What I've become.I've felt my head physically break and it's fucking insane. I genuinely wanted to be a high achiever and get out there in the world. Live my youth. This ain't youth bro..I gave up on myself before even doing anything, so hard


All I'm annoyed about is that I didnt talk to people enough. bc I was shy. when we had the exact same tastes in shit.
I've lost my entire character. i havent done the shit i wanna do in so long. talked to the people i wanted. let them know how much i fucking love this and that song and regret that i saw that exact song on youtube and its so fucking good. mannn. its those kind of things that i hate myself for not doing. for not mentioning out of being nervous when i couldve sparked big and bright opportunities for myself. not this route. i really hate whatever is going on. i really have lost my ego, aura, drive, anything and everything i had deep inside me. i am so dead inside.
bro songs that literally used to make me wanna puke bc they're so good. feel like the NPC of my own fucking life now and don't even have an inside head voice because I am so incredibly exposed by people n my parents have continued over and over to treat me like a literal 5 year old and it's had the worst impact on me.
I've had for pretty much my whole life OCD even though I never wanted to bring it up bc shit like that I used to be super super private with (and guess it backfired).
I can't meet anybody bc I stink from stress and how was I gonna tell them my fucking life story. That 'life story' built up and up and up and im mindfucked now. i didn't expect things to take such a route. Had I known they would I wouldve moved out so much fucking earlier man.....
I dont want to die but for the love of god I don't want the most basic dumb fucking articles written about me and comments coming from people who never even fucking knew me. I was supposed to fucking win and I got gaslit to oblivion and fell so gullible to my parents. I have to die and look like I was "simply depressed". Its the most fucked up shit in the world. I wish people couldve seen what I fucking faced man. I can't even remember jack shit because I'm mindfucked. Like I keep saying to myself "i was not this person".....i never ever thought or felt these things. I really truly think my life got ended early by my parents and I just have to sit here n fucking deal w it.


I def could've had the world in my hands.

My brains on fire now tho. ive done nothing since oct. my mind is so fucked. I'm the kind of person who was only ever suicidal and wanted to die cause I feel like im in the wrong places and that my potential couldve been exerted so much more, or that im not doing enough. I really wanted to do interviews and so much cool shit but simultaneously i dont want to be this person and taking my life this route was a mistake.

It's so funny that when i'd see suicidewatch i'd actually despise how negative ppl were cause theres so much more to life to see and do and you can literally take it in any direction you want. yet im here hahaha. how the turn tables - I'm v confused. I'm kinda heartbroken for myself fr. for letting myself down kinda. i had SO MUCH more to give to the world, but not like this - i had so many cool mantras and shit i wanted to do. all of which i pretty much did not follow lol. at all. All I've ever wanted to do is push myself in life to see how far the brain can go. this is not what i meant by it.

My advice to you all is that there's a whole world out there. Go experiment. If you don't like something - do it. it could be your muse. Force yourself to do the shit you dont like - music, any fucking kind of hobby. Make a story. The world is literally there. Explore. Explore. Explore it. I have not explored enough in this lifetime and i think it just led me to feeling like this. Pharrell is my fucking muse and I can't believe i really let myself down by literally not doing my curiosity justice. not getting myself out there and becoming a lazy fuck. Everyone knew I was going to die so there's literally no way of making it look mysterious in any way n i've literally not posted on the gram in 2 years hoping that i could make a big ass hiatus when I came back. I really wanted my story to be that I go to uni, finally FINALLY get myself out there and what not and it all fucking fell to a pile of shit. the climax, climax, climax of finally, i get out there. i didnt want coming back home and universal credit to be my story. i felt so guilty for that and that after everything wtf am i worth? I am so misanthropic now and I kinda am so ambivalent about my death. everybody is a fraud to me. i am so upset for myself. i feel like my entire life and heads been taken from me.

I'm not even going out on my own terms really. from oversharing so much abt how im gonna do it lmfao. but the only way i've mentally come to terms with my death is that time will speed up super fast and that someone like me is gonna rebirth in a few generations and make it out there. I really just wanna be reborn and all this useless info that makes me feel dry as hell just go away. my brain is so dry. i dont feel music. when it used to make me wanna fucking orgasm!!!! i loved that shit! hard ass drums, and beautiful chords. I literally used to have so many fucking daydreams and I dont know where the fuck they went? like i'd daydream all the time. and life just felt like mine, i had earloops, everything, ocd was hard but whatever it was gonna be a secret part of my comeup and just was always a quirk i mentioned to ppl. i kid you not when i say my ocd does not exist anymore.

i used to daydream to myself trying to explain each layer of chord, every single part of the music that's going on. all i fucking wanted to do was bring myself out and express myself. going back home was a fucking hellhole. fuck man. same w animation. I really had such attention to detail with things. so much i wanted to explore but home was always so fucking bad and every beautiful idea i had would leave my head because of my dad who is my misophonia trigger. anytime hed do something my ideas would leave. so i never got to express them fully.
so many times at the start of the year i'd said to my parents that i couldnt deal with them. and they couldnt deal w me apparently because i was 'distracting' them w work. when all the time all i ever wanted to do was move out bc obviously it was annoying for them but annoying for me the most bc they didnt share the pain or frustration of me working my life around them.
Fuck man. I never wanted to die. ever since that convo i had with them its made me feel like they took the fucking lead on my life and can just treat me like shit. as if my entire suffering was for nothing.. like the world just feels so silent now and its fucking crazy. back before it used to feel like mine. i never used to want to commit fully until that day. oct 10th. i really feel captured by my own parents lol. i really want freedom and to make a story of my fucking life. its been so long since i listened to samples or made beats, because i literally feel fucking disabled.

the worst part of all this is that I literally never talked to anybody on instagram and the reason for that was because I felt the need to "work hard and get where i wanted to be" before i talked to anybody. but my entire year in 2021 was trying to move out. 2022? dont ask. literally just trying to kill myself everyday, since oct 2021. oh my god like....the irony man. and i end up having not talked to anybody and nobody knowing me. bruh. my reality. holy shit. and not one single person knew me or talked to me because I remember that I was too scared to tell or talk to anybody or explain to people on instagram that why i hadnt made music was because i HAD FUCKING HORRIBLE MISOPHONIA AND THAT ID SCREAM SHUT THE FUCK UP everytime when trying to make beats. how are you supposed to tell someone that? its like how was i ever supposed to make conversation w people? oh yes i make music but ive not made a beat since july 2021. great.
so i look like to ppl like i was never interested in music. and now i really am just fucked. i cant even hear music. anhedonia or whatever the fuck. i strayed and became stagnant on my own life in hopes that something would give, and it did not. i didnt know what that made me.
i wanted was to express myself but not this way by fucking up my life so hard. i don't want any funeral if it aint at least one person i liked playing there. I wasnt even fully in love with my boyfriend. I've never even felt full love before. only the slightest tinge and that was at 17/18, with two people, whom I'd fucked both relationships with and hate myself for that. ive not even got anywhere ever since.

the only thing that's made me come to terms with dying is that when i die, i can't feel perceived because i literally wont be able to feel perception when I'm dead. i wish i was taken a bit more seriously in this life but it really never happened. leaving the earth with literally having given nothing is ass. i really wish i'd just fucking moved out earlier.

i really wanted to feel and live authentically in hopes that something would give back, then i just slowly became misanthropic. I feel so taken advantage of by everybody. there's so much wrong here. how i was never fully appreciated to the max. at all. genuinely wondering if my entire family and bf just had their heads stuck up their ass, truth is i was never even meant to be w my boyfriend at all. Why I stayed w him, I felt guilty or that i had something to prove. that maybe he was the one and god sent me him to change my ways or some dumb shit like that (OCD after all).

It scares me that god literally doesnt even exist. this is it. this is the lifetime we get, i get, after enduring everything, i get handed back jack and fuck myself over, and other people fuck me over and i feel like the leftover. lmao. why. why. why have i fucked myself THIS HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! i do not have misophonia even anymore bc i am so desensitised and people think i was faking my entire life lol
If anybody's wondering I am going to die by jumping off an overpass in, yes, mexico (horrible place but my body is so lazy that i didnt even plan the trip lol i thought it was really nice here but its ass) in hopes that i get run over by a car instantly after falling bc i am not risking waking up again at all or brain damaged, even tho i am already so brain damaged. i dont even want to do it like that but it's just the only way i know for sure that i will not be awake again. if anything, if there were guns i'd have done it in the comfort of my own home; asleep w my fave clothes, blankets, some music playing.....to fade out like a song outro.

man, i hate this. i hate that i let it get here. that this is all my life fucking mounted to. i wish i'd taken more risks and just expressed myself, every inch. bought clothes and cool shit and not feel SO guilty. all i'd do w clothes is buy and refund them. literally life was so hard but easy at the same time. idk. im really confused. Ily P. thank u for everything. ur a godsend and i did not take my life in the direction it was meant to go. Music was supposed to be my story; every day at the library at school i'd use logic pro to make beats. i was supposed to be a producer. that was it. i was supposed to be on my steeze. not this direction or whatever the fuck this is man. just not this way. not universal credit and shit lol. i was supposed to express myself, but i didnt know how to and was at such a loss. i actually got scared of doing my own hobby, a lot - not that i wasnt interested in it. going on my macbook pro scared me so much bc of the tics and shit i knew were always about to come when i started. and it felt like a whole world there on my laptop. i always began to eventually associate music with how good everybody else was at it rather than doing it for myself. why was i scared of my own hobby? god, my brain was so complex. i wish i could be reborn again. god doesnt even exist but i wish he walked me thru my mind and stuff. sigh.....logging out world. i think that convo w my parents made me trick myself into thinking my entire suffering was for nothing. oct 10th. i dont even have tics or misophonia anymore. nothing makes sense. my world is so upside down. i do not like this.
i absolutely hate ppl for getting the wrong idea of me, even my parents didnt even know me lol.
if you could be asked to read - congrats and sending love to you wherever and whatever ur doing

It sounds like you wanted to control the narrative that is your life, in other people's eyes. Fuck other people. Just chill and get your universal credit sorted and get yourself stable. Other people are too busy thinking about their own fucked up lives. You can make music anywhere now, from any shitty council flat or whatever - it's not over yet mate - get yourself stable and start creating again. Most people aren't creating anything except debt and misery. If you have something to give the world, that will make it a better place, that will motivate young people to be creative, like your idols did for you, then don't waste that gift - please don't leave without trying everything to make it happen. The world needs you to do this. Music matters to people more than anything. People have their favourite music at their funerals. It's what matters to most people in relation to their identities. Music is a part of who they are. If you can be a part of that, you would be contributing hugely to society. Keep going...

 

[akana]

Ever heard of an "existential crisis" ? I know it's tossed around a lot and is kind of a cliche but existentialism as a philosophical doctrine represents some big beliefs like about how life is meaningless with the sole exception being the meaning you choose for your life, it leads to some pretty distanced perspectives on society and social roles and whatnot. I actually am very deep into that mindset myself. It makes me want to puke to see people talk to each other, advertisements on the side of grocery bags and stuff like that, just all feels disgustingly contrived and unimportant and meaningless yet it's what people trick themselves into believing is an acceptable reality… it's hard to want to interact with nearly anyone most times because it's just too much. Also I get the double standards thing, not treating yourself with the same fairness and respect and understanding as others… god my therapist asked me once "if someone else was in your exact position, and they confided in you, would you believe suicide was their best option?" Like goddamn that made me angry lol. Because the answer was no, of course, but for me it's yes lol. Makes no sense.

yeah ive heard of it and had that phase way long ago. im at a point where i passed that kind of existentialism. for the longest point in time pretty much all my thoughts are existential more or less but i hate that. i dont want them to be. but i cant really control it anymore lol . i only have existential thoughts bc i'm so distant and detached from myself as a coping mechanism for being behind on my life i think. knowing for sure that i'll never feel anything sentimental again and stuff like that.
ive always told myself that shit too - i'd be my own therapist and ask myself those kind of questions, all the time. if a friend was in my position would they kill themselves? like same as you, for me, it's yes. bc nobody else knows my position but me. for everybody else - no! like i genuinely exhausted all options in life and knowing i have to fake my entire life and will never feel anything genuine again or any happiness is scary. my brain is extremely unhealthy.
if someone cracked it open im pretty sure it'd be purple. not pink. tmi i know my bad.

It sounds like you wanted to control the narrative that is your life, in other people's eyes. Fuck other people. Just chill and get your universal credit sorted and get yourself stable. Other people are too busy thinking about their own fucked up lives. You can make music anywhere now, from any shitty council flat or whatever - it's not over yet mate - get yourself stable and start creating again. Most people aren't creating anything except debt and misery. If you have something to give the world, that will make it a better place, that will motivate young people to be creative, like your idols did for you, then don't waste that gift - please don't leave without trying everything to make it happen. The world needs you to do this. Music matters to people more than anything. People have their favourite music at their funerals. It's what matters to most people in relation to their identities. Music is a part of who they are. If you can be a part of that, you would be contributing hugely to society. Keep going...

this makes me so fucking sad man. It breaks me. i really wanted to give to the world for no one but myself except plot twist, i dont feel like myself anymore. i really need my ex to release my music for me and do it justice. to do me justice. i kid you not when i say i cannot make music anymore or feel the beats or rhythm or ....complexity of anything. my ocd went in hand w that. ive genuinely lost everything of me i just wanna wind back. i am so fucked. thank you for your words

 

[nopride86]

i feel like i dont hold any full depth opinions anymore. like my personality is void and so shallow sheesh. it didnt used to be like this

Just wanted to jump back in and say that your words resonate with my very soul tbh and I'm sure your art would too.

Your AirBNB experience idea sounds so cool, and to me it screams "I'm still here even if I look a bit different". Moving on from what could have been to find peace in something similar, but new.

What I dream about now is having my own venue so kids have a place to go and find community. It's a pipe dream that requires more money, hand-shaking, and energy than I'll ever have or make. But your idea sounds, at the very least, reasonable. Would your area (or the people traveling to it) be receptive to that sort of experience?

I get it though. Like even if all the stars are aligned, it's damn near impossible to do much or with the same vigor when your nerves are shot and your brain feels completely fried. I think depression literally eats your brain away and I'm so scared that i'm too far gone.
I appreciate your encouraging words though, you should extend some more of that hope to yourself. Sometimes the best beats/lyrics (idk what you genre is) come from your deepest voids and lowest points in life.