Fed up and ready to ctb yet?

[Meditation guide]

This survey is to try to determine the level of being fed up and ready to ctb people here are feeling. There are no wrong answers and you will be anonymous.

Personally I'm very fed up right now with everything and everyone and see no point in sticking around.

Fed up 100% does not necessarily mean you are about to ctb, just feeling as if you could at any moment.

You can post your thoughts and comments about how fed up or not you are for discussion. Also the reason s for how you feel would be appreciated.

 

[motel rooms]

LEVEL

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[lofticries]

Honestly it wavers from 5 to 6. Mostly 5 though.

 

[motel rooms]

Honestly it wavers from 5 to 6. Mostly 5 though.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

A VERY comfortable 6

 

[I want to end it]

I've been on here since 2018 and still not done it :( I am at a 5 I think. The reason I stick around is mainly because of parents but I am sure at some point I will end things, possibly before my SN expires because I hear it's very difficult to get now.

 

[Meditation guide]

I just arrived at level 6 today so for now I'm sticking around to see if it continues. It dawned on me I really am fed up with everything.

It's not even that I don't enjoy things in life because I do. It just is so pointless.

 

[dreamlessnight]

There was this cute chinchilla raising its paw forward, didn't save that gif but the little guy was confident. Technically 4 fingers up, I would add half a paw to make 6.

Shipping things take time, and no weekend service so it's stalling a bit there. No reason to keep fighting a downhill battle, it feels like waiting for a doctor appointment.

 

[Meditation guide]

it feels like waiting for a doctor appointment.

Exactly how it feels. Something unpleasant that is going to happen soon and the waiting time is awful. I'm in the boring uncomfortable waiting room.

 

[dreamlessnight]

Exactly how it feels. Something unpleasant that is going to happen soon and the waiting time is awful. I'm in the boring uncomfortable waiting room.

May the wait come to a peaceful end on your side. CTB or not, I don't know what to wait for at this point. Some user was discussing ending life vs getting a second chance, would eat a shoe and livestream it if reincarnation happens to be a thing :P

 

[greyhound]

I'm a level 5 or 6. I mean I'm finally ready to go in the past couple of weeks after finishing up some stuff in my life I wanted to finish up.

Now I'm just dealing with the fear of the actual event, family members trying to talk me out of it and trying to think if there is anything else I want to do this summer.

My body is pretty miserable but with things opening up I could potentially try to travel around a bit. I mean I've survived this physical misery for a couple of decades now, and if I will never have a chance to do a road trip in 2020s America again...

I think I underestimated my anxiety levels too. For so long I was so focused on finishing up this stuff in my life yet was miserable and wanted to CTB. So was longing for CTB while knowing I really couldn't. Now that I can and have the means to and everything it's really a whole different mental game. Especially with my family like in my face trying to talk me down from the ledge.

 

[xrafinha]

Today I felt more ready then ever, and I already have the method so I don't think I'll be around for much longer

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't know what to wait for at this point.

Me neither. It feels like anything that would make living worthwhile has been removed.

I'm a level 5 or 6. I mean I'm finally ready to go in the past couple of weeks after finishing up some stuff in my life I wanted to finish up.

Now I'm just dealing with the fear of the actual event, family members trying to talk me out of it and trying to think if there is anything else I want to do this summer.

My body is pretty miserable but with things opening up I could potentially try to travel around a bit. I mean I've survived this physical misery for a couple of decades now, and if I will never have a chance to do a road trip in 2020s America again...

I think I underestimated my anxiety levels too. For so long I was so focused on finishing up this stuff in my life yet was miserable and wanted to CTB. So was longing for CTB while knowing I really couldn't. Now that I can and have the means to and everything it's really a whole different mental game. Especially with my family like in my face trying to talk me down from the ledge.

I would want that road trip or at least some more travel but that can't happen so...
I also have more anxiety than ever lately. It's very uncomfortable. It prevents things I would like to do. I'm just at the point where there is probably no way to milk any more good feelings out of this lifetime, or enough to make up for the rest, most of which is not good.

 

[Passersby]

Exactly how it feels. Something unpleasant that is going to happen soon and the waiting time is awful. I'm in the boring uncomfortable waiting room.

Hello,
Yes that hits the nail on the head. " We are all stuck in a boring extremely uncomfortable waiting room called life and death." I go back and forth between 5 and 6. As far as being fed up that part is at a 7. I agree for me as well all things that would create joy or make it worthwhile to stick around have been removed from my equation. Long term outlook is no good. I guess this means its rational? I continue to stay stuck in a cycle of suffering that goes around and around and repeats itself every day, week, month and year.

 

[Meditation guide]

This is hell. There is no way to sugar coat that fact.

 

[namelessX8]

I don't know exactly how fed up I am. On a scale of 1-6, maybe my level is π. I feel my level of "fed up-ness" cannot be specified by an integer but only by an irrational number.

On a more serious note, I am only fed up once the effect of my amphetamine runs out.

 

[Cakes]

Level 5. I'm only here to look after my dog. I can't trust anyone to look after her.

I spent most of my day catering to others and I'm absolutely exhausted with it. I've mentioned my thoughts and the need for change multiple times now to my family, but they'll only say it's because I'm not sleeping well etc.

As long as I'm able to run around after people, no one cares how I feel. Only one person did. It's a repeating nightmare. No one is listening to me

 

[Meditation guide]

Level 5. I'm only here to look after my dog. I can't trust anyone to look after her.

I spent most of my day catering to others and I'm absolutely exhausted with it. I've mentioned my thoughts and the need for change multiple times now to my family, but they'll only say it's because I'm not sleeping well etc.

As long as I'm able to run around after people, no one cares how I feel. Only one person did. It's a repeating nightmare. No one is listening to me

I'm sorry you are at this point. And I love how you are devoted to the care of your dog. I would be the same if I had a pet. I'm glad I don't.
I wish there was a way for you to take a well deserved vacation from responsibilities.

 

[Cakes]

Thank you, that means a lot to me, honestly. I wish I could just have a break from it all.
It is definitely harder when there's pets involved, but, every day she makes my days brighter and makes me smile/laugh.
She's my wee soul pal

 

[Pookie]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Would you say you were feeling exactly like this a week ago?

I would swing between hope and despair constantly but now that I'm on good pain management I feel much more stable, even though life still sucks in many ways for me.

 

[lovelyheartz]

Level 5. I have everything I need to ctb, but now I'm a bit uncertain. I don't know... I feel like killing myself is the right decision, but I'm still holding on for some reason. I think it's the hope that things might get better, but rationally I know that 1) things won't get better, and 2) I don't even deserve to get better.

 

[Goodbye710]

i was 6 for many years which eventually led to severe heart issues. Almost past away last year hence why I'm on this forum. To make my passing easier.

Now I'm down to 3.5 after turning TV off and getting away from society.

I had to make calls to my credit card company the other day. So frustrating. Jumped to a 6.

Tired of society. I'm sure I'll be notified of a major world event but till then I'm in nature enjoying the world like we use to a hundred years ago. Watching the deer, squirrels, birds while I feed the goldfish in my pond are the highlights of my day now.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

Me neither. It feels like anything that would make living worthwhile has been removed.

I would want that road trip or at least some more travel but that can't happen so...
I also have more anxiety than ever lately. It's very uncomfortable. It prevents things I would like to do. I'm just at the point where there is probably no way to milk any more good feelings out of this lifetime, or enough to make up for the rest, most of which is not good.

The more I read your posts and get a better understanding of your circumstances regarding your physical and mental health struggles, the more and more I see myself in what you're going through. And I'm so sorry you're living trapped in this kind of hell. I've been doing it for over 25+ years and I just am so tired physically, and tired of the physical pain and suffering and humiliations (I even have to wear an adult diaper now the last 2 years, so starting at age 51) plus the horrendous anxiety and lack of any joy anymore or hope that anything will ever get better. I can't do it much longer. The only reason I'm still here is I'm a coward. Anyway sorry to ramble about my issues. My heart goes out to you and I hope peace finds you one way or another. Sending you all my support. <3

 

[Meditation guide]

The more I read your posts and get a better understanding of your circumstances regarding your physical and mental health struggles, the more and more I see myself in what you're going through. And I'm so sorry you're living trapped in this kind of hell. I've been doing it for over 25+ years and I just am so tired physically, and tired of the physical pain and suffering and humiliations (I even have to wear an adult diaper now the last 2 years, so starting at age 51) plus the horrendous anxiety and lack of any joy anymore or hope that anything will ever get better. I can't do it much longer. The only reason I'm still here is I'm a coward. Anyway sorry to ramble about my issues. My heart goes out to you and I hope peace finds you one way or another. Sending you all my support. <3

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. Over 25 years is more than enough I'm sure. I agree it's pretty terrifying to consider ending our lives. No need to apologize for posting about what things are like for you. It's what this site is for, to post things we can't talk about elsewhere.

 

[Meditation guide]

Now I'm down to 3.5 after turning TV off and getting away from society.

I had to make calls to my credit card company the other day. So frustrating. Jumped to a 6

I happy for you that you found a better way to live. Your post gave me food for thought. I love nature and would be happier if I lived closer to it but arranging that seems out of reach.

 

[FuneralCry]

My situation is that I don't have any reason to stay alive and I am tired of existing but I don't feel exactly desperate enough to ctb at the moment as it is hard to die because of the SI. I will certainly do it in the future as I never plan to reach old age. I would say I am near the top as it is always on my mind. This life just isn't for me and I have always struggled with it.

 

[Makko]

Getting exp towards the next level right now

 

[boc]

Definitely a 5. My plan is to accumulate the necessary supplies and make preparations. Then wait for a time when I reach a 6 and can pull the plug.

 

[Bedrock48]

Wavering between a 4 and 5 as of right now, almost everything is prepared except my note but I am still trying to recover. Living day by day definitely sucks though and I'm still avoiding making long term plans that'll "guilt" me into staying.

 

[Meditation guide]

I was at a 3.5 to 4 up until recently. Things simply seem more hopeless now that I think about it.