Act Two
Happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor.
- Jan 29, 2024
- 35
Hello all.
I decided several months ago that if I ever would commit to CTB, it would be sometime around midnight on Saturday, February 17th. And I have finally decided that I will CTB on that date. I've officially given up at this point, and there have been a lot of important things that lead to this decision, most of which I'll spare you. Sorry in advance if this is too long, or doesn't make very much sense, it's kind of hard to write something like this.
I never had a very good relationship with my parents, and really depended on my friends, most of whom I've known for as long as I can remember. I had two friends that I knew I could count on, no matter what happened, who would give their lives for me. Long story short, every one of them have turned their backs on me, and now I'm alone and have major trust issues.
Deep down, I feel I am a horrible person. I don't consider myself attractive in the slightest, I hate myself to a degree that is difficult for me to describe with words, and I have no hope left for the person I've been in love with for years. I've tried to be my very best, and yet I've gotten nowhere. Tried dating other people, but it got me nowhere and left me even worse off.
On the night of the 17th, I'm going to say my goodbyes. Most will probably just ignore me, and others won't know what I'm talking about. Unless I find some reason between now and then to keep living, or something miraculous happens that night, I'm going to end it all with the night night method around 12:00 AM. I probably won't bother leaving a note, for a number of reasons.
Knowing you're going to die in just over one week is a very strange experience. I've had a lot of happy memories come back to me that I don't think I ever would've remembered under different circumstances. It's like my body is trying to convince me to stay. It's weird to see people planning things a few weeks into the future, without knowing I'll be dead by then. I'm continuing with school, because nobody really knows about my plans and I don't see anything else to do with my life. But that makes me wonder how people would react if they found out I had a terminal illness and would be dead in a week. I probably wouldn't be sitting in class right now. Oh well.
Thank you to everyone here for being so kind to me. I haven't been around for long, so most of you probably don't know me, but for the people who do, I apologize that this is what I feel I have to do. You've all been so nice and made me feel like a valuable person, even when I don't, and I really appreciate that. Thanks everyone.
~ C'est la vie ~
I decided several months ago that if I ever would commit to CTB, it would be sometime around midnight on Saturday, February 17th. And I have finally decided that I will CTB on that date. I've officially given up at this point, and there have been a lot of important things that lead to this decision, most of which I'll spare you. Sorry in advance if this is too long, or doesn't make very much sense, it's kind of hard to write something like this.
I never had a very good relationship with my parents, and really depended on my friends, most of whom I've known for as long as I can remember. I had two friends that I knew I could count on, no matter what happened, who would give their lives for me. Long story short, every one of them have turned their backs on me, and now I'm alone and have major trust issues.
Deep down, I feel I am a horrible person. I don't consider myself attractive in the slightest, I hate myself to a degree that is difficult for me to describe with words, and I have no hope left for the person I've been in love with for years. I've tried to be my very best, and yet I've gotten nowhere. Tried dating other people, but it got me nowhere and left me even worse off.
On the night of the 17th, I'm going to say my goodbyes. Most will probably just ignore me, and others won't know what I'm talking about. Unless I find some reason between now and then to keep living, or something miraculous happens that night, I'm going to end it all with the night night method around 12:00 AM. I probably won't bother leaving a note, for a number of reasons.
Knowing you're going to die in just over one week is a very strange experience. I've had a lot of happy memories come back to me that I don't think I ever would've remembered under different circumstances. It's like my body is trying to convince me to stay. It's weird to see people planning things a few weeks into the future, without knowing I'll be dead by then. I'm continuing with school, because nobody really knows about my plans and I don't see anything else to do with my life. But that makes me wonder how people would react if they found out I had a terminal illness and would be dead in a week. I probably wouldn't be sitting in class right now. Oh well.
Thank you to everyone here for being so kind to me. I haven't been around for long, so most of you probably don't know me, but for the people who do, I apologize that this is what I feel I have to do. You've all been so nice and made me feel like a valuable person, even when I don't, and I really appreciate that. Thanks everyone.
~ C'est la vie ~
