Venting Fear of the process of dying

[painful existence]

I was raised in a deeply religious environment and suicide was considered to be the greatest of sins.Even though I have left religion now but deep down I am scared to commit suicide.I know rationally it would be the best thing for me as I have tremendously suffered for a very long time and I am not afraid of death itself but of the process of dying.I get really anxious whenever I plan on doing suicide and the anxiety continues to increase as the time when I plan to die approaches.I haven't made a single attempt because I know for sure I would call for help even if I suffer the slightest pain.I hope someday I could overcome my fear and finally relieve myself of the misery I am in.This provides me immense relief but what if I am not able to muster the courage to commit suicide .What if I have to live like this until old age?The mere thought of this sends shivers down my spine . Maybe I am destined to suffer.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's also so horrific to me the thought of having to suffer until I reach an old age, it's what disturbs me, I just wish there was the option to fall asleep eternally as for me death is the only comfort and relief in this world filled with so much cruelty and harm. It's inhumane how suicide is purposely made so difficult.