Fear of the act of dying

[Deek303]

Hi, everyone. I can't remember if I posted the first time I visited.

I'm just sitting here asking what is wrong with me... My previous attempts have been due to akathisia from some drug or another (I've been on a cocktail of up to seven meds, on and off, for years). Akathisia, if you've experienced it, you know. It's just pure terror/torture. Indescribable.

I was able to overcome SI in those attempts because I literally felt like my MIND was a burning building and I had to get out NOW. It was almost like an outside force was controlling me.

I've almost bled to death (not a suicide attempt) and have been violently assaulted, had surgery, broken bones, pneumonia, crippling insomnia, psychosis, physical ailments, etc., so I don't know WHY I'm so scared of discomfort, but I'm horrified of the idea of struggling in any way in my last moments. As someone who's suffered from panic disorder for most of my life (I'm a 34-y-old female), even the idea of tachycardia realllllly turns me off... I already take propranolol, but I'm just not confident I would be able to overcome survival instinct if my heart was racing and it triggered anxiety or obsessive thoughts. Of course I'll get benzos, but I've taken those for 10 years, and I have superhuman panic or something.

I've been so desperate lately, I've gone back to the cycle of not eating. It would be horribly selfish and insane to starve myself (due to obligations to others), as it's not like I'm not suffering in a hospital from a terminal disease, but damn, the thought is comforting.

Maybe getting drunk when winter rolls around (I live in Colorado) go to the mountains and fall asleep in the snow.

Passive suicide is appealing to me. You don't really have to do much.

I've had an infected tooth for a year. Also two irregular pap smears. I've ignored it all. I figured the tooth would have killed me by now.

I just feel trapped. And terrified.

I'm constantly questioning my thoughts and gaslighting myself, so I ask myself, does all this panic mean you want to live?

A resounding no. I've been ready for years. I'm suffering. I'm not contributing. I'm barely existing...

If anyone has any tips on overcoming fears (in general), I'm all ears.

Thanks so much for this forum.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

due to obligations to others

I think you answered yourself as to the why right here.

 

[Deek303]

I think you answered yourself as to the why right here.

There's two very important people that will be fucked up for life. But for some reason my will to live is completely gone. I lost my food stamp card on Friday. I have not replaced it. I will be homeless soon. I've never been an angry person, but lately I've been filled with rage. I've always blamed myself for all my problems, but things like protracted benzo withdrawal and akasithia completely devastated my quality of life. I'm mad. I wish I had known.

I used to be a court reporter. One of the youngest officials in the state. I had an eventual breakdown, and I've never been the same since. I regret not addressing my issues in therapy when I still had a chance. After taking dozens of meds for many years, there's just no telling what damage they've done. From memory loss to intense periods of dissociation, sheer terror, rage, crying spells, psychosis, serotonin syndrome, blah, blah, blah.

Sorry for pouring my heart out! The important thing is being responsible and finding the will to make what time is left memorable for loved ones.

I think once I feel more comfortable with that aspect, it will be easier to go.

I keep finding myself wishing I had never met people, or ran away, anything to distance myself from them. I know it will devastate them, but I can't go on like this. Especially the anger and violent impulses. I gotta get on.

 

[outrider567]

Hi, everyone. I can't remember if I posted the first time I visited.

I'm just sitting here asking what is wrong with me... My previous attempts have been due to akathisia from some drug or another (I've been on a cocktail of up to seven meds, on and off, for years). Akathisia, if you've experienced it, you know. It's just pure terror/torture. Indescribable.

I was able to overcome SI in those attempts because I literally felt like my MIND was a burning building and I had to get out NOW. It was almost like an outside force was controlling me.

I've almost bled to death (not a suicide attempt) and have been violently assaulted, had surgery, broken bones, pneumonia, crippling insomnia, psychosis, physical ailments, etc., so I don't know WHY I'm so scared of discomfort, but I'm horrified of the idea of struggling in any way in my last moments. As someone who's suffered from panic disorder for most of my life (I'm a 34-y-old female), even the idea of tachycardia realllllly turns me off... I already take propranolol, but I'm just not confident I would be able to overcome survival instinct if my heart was racing and it triggered anxiety or obsessive thoughts. Of course I'll get benzos, but I've taken those for 10 years, and I have superhuman panic or something.

I've been so desperate lately, I've gone back to the cycle of not eating. It would be horribly selfish and insane to starve myself (due to obligations to others), as it's not like I'm not suffering in a hospital from a terminal disease, but damn, the thought is comforting.

Maybe getting drunk when winter rolls around (I live in Colorado) go to the mountains and fall asleep in the snow.

Passive suicide is appealing to me. You don't really have to do much.

I've had an infected tooth for a year. Also two irregular pap smears. I've ignored it all. I figured the tooth would have killed me by now.

I just feel trapped. And terrified.

I'm constantly questioning my thoughts and gaslighting myself, so I ask myself, does all this panic mean you want to live?

A resounding no. I've been ready for years. I'm suffering. I'm not contributing. I'm barely existing...

If anyone has any tips on overcoming fears (in general), I'm all ears.

Thanks so much for this forum.

Tachycardia is nothing compared to throwing up--The heart can beat 200 times a minute or more for brief times with no ill effects--don't think there's any danger til it hits 250 or so

 

[locked*n*loaded]

There's two very important people that will be fucked up for life. But for some reason my will to live is completely gone. I lost my food stamp card on Friday. I have not replaced it. I will be homeless soon. I've never been an angry person, but lately I've been filled with rage. I've always blamed myself for all my problems, but things like protracted benzo withdrawal and akasithia completely devastated my quality of life. I'm mad. I wish I had known.

I used to be a court reporter. One of the youngest officials in the state. I had an eventual breakdown, and I've never been the same since. I regret not addressing my issues in therapy when I still had a chance. After taking dozens of meds for many years, there's just no telling what damage they've done. From memory loss to intense periods of dissociation, sheer terror, rage, crying spells, psychosis, serotonin syndrome, blah, blah, blah.

Sorry for pouring my heart out! The important thing is being responsible and finding the will to make what time is left memorable for loved ones.

I think once I feel more comfortable with that aspect, it will be easier to go.

I keep finding myself wishing I had never met people, or ran away, anything to distance myself from them. I know it will devastate them, but I can't go on like this. Especially the anger and violent impulses. I gotta get on.

These people who will be "fucked up for life", according to you, aren't they an option to give you housing for a while so you don't end up homeless? It would seem that anyone who would be fucked up for life because of your death would be completely welcoming to you. I read about akasithia and it sounds absolutely terrible, and I'm so sorry you are going through that, but it seems something can be done like a re-evaluation and changing of your medicine that can be causing it. I can understand why your mad. I would be, too. Sometimes you need to lean on other people, and if you're lucky enough to have people in your life who you can lean on, take advantage of it to get things sorted out. Of course, that's if you want to. I don't try and tell anyone what to do. You need to do what is right for you. But, you do seem to have that guilt about leaving those who you have obligations to, or who depend on you. It certainly makes it harder to leave. I have no advice on how you can get rid of that to make your exit easier.

 

[Deek303]

These people who will be "fucked up for life", according to you, aren't they an option to give you housing for a while so you don't end up homeless? It would seem that anyone who would be fucked up for life because of your death would be completely welcoming to you. I read about akasithia and it sounds absolutely terrible, and I'm so sorry you are going through that, but it seems something can be done like a re-evaluation and changing of your medicine that can be causing it. I can understand why your mad. I would be, too. Sometimes you need to lean on other people, and if you're lucky enough to have people in your life who you can lean on, take advantage of it to get things sorted out. Of course, that's if you want to. I don't try and tell anyone what to do. You need to do what is right for you. But, you do seem to have that guilt about leaving those who you have obligations to, or who depend on you. It certainly makes it harder to leave. I have no advice on how you can get rid of that to make your exit easier.

My loved one has been providing for me financially while I wait for disability. But I never filed. It's been a month and I can't seem to MAKE myself participate in my future. It's like I'm frozen. I... truly dissociate and feel like I'm losing my mind a lot. I went to the ER last month because of the internal tremors and they seemed pissed I even came in and refused to do anything more than bloodwork. Told me I had anxiety and to go home. I truly don't know if they could have done anything to help, but I got a clear impression that I was wasting their time. So fuck it. I'm done.

I've kind of slowly stopped participating in society and in my treatment. Unfortunately, I don't have any faith in any of the mental health professionals I have been in contact with lately.

The last psychiatrist tried to refuse to prescribe ambien for my chronic insomnia because of my "alcohol problem." I don't drink alcohol. It seems every single professional assumes I'm drug seeking, personality disordered (definitely true by now), or a hypochondriac.

Not to be dramatic, but I have been (in my view) tortured by mh professionals who forced me (Literally took me to court) to take lithium. I had told the doctor, fine, I will take the mood stabilizer, but NOT lithium. MAJOR health issues and you have to get routine bloodwork which I didn't feel I was responsible enough for.

Took me to court and forced me to take it for six months. Sorry, but fuck them. That shit gave me PTSD because the doctor also went against my written wishes and divulged treatment info with my narcissistic, sadistic mother. (No contact three years. Have no feelings about leaving her behind.) Talk about absolute erosion of trust and betrayal.


Thanks so much for your advice and trying to help me problem solve. You have great suggestions, and there absolutely ARE options. I just have no faith, man. I feel like "been there, done that."

I guess I needed to get some shit off my chest. Thanks for listening. I hope you're doing okay, yourself.

Tachycardia is nothing compared to throwing up--The heart can beat 200 times a minute or more for brief times with no ill effects--don't think there's any danger til it hits 250 or so

Oh, I know there's no danger. But I'm prone to experiencing anxiety the second those physical symptoms start. Once the heart is pumping, my brain goes woooowooowooo DANGER, and I'm worried I'll bail. It may be a panic disorder thing, I think. Getting rid of my phone is on my list.

Vomiting is somehow fine to me. I experience dry heaves and retching constantly from anxiety but that racing heart -- UGH! shudder. Can't stand it. I know it doesn't make sense. I don't even work out for this reason. I'm a puss.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a horrifying situation to be in. It's beyond dreadful how all of this endless suffering and cruelty exists in this world. Maybe many people manage to overcome any fears they have when they reach a certain point of desperation and all that they wish for is to be free.
Death will come for us all one day anyway and there is no escaping going through the process of dying, so to me it would be preferable to exit at a time of my own choosing rather than dying from some other cause. I wish you freedom.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Hey I'm not sure what part of Colorado you're in and I don't expect you to reveal that here publicly. Depending on what part you're in there are some really good resources. I've spent years living out there homeless. Boulder county has some pretty nice resources. They'll also assign you a case worker to help you get your disability quicker as well. I wouldn't recommend going into Denver or anything like that there are a ton of tweakers. I don't know I really hope you're able to get help and can figure out what's best for you in this situation and I'm sorry you're suffering so much.b
They can also help you with all of the health stuff as well. The emergency room isn't as good at doing those things as they're only focused on things that are usually life-threatening or what they see as.. an emergency. You need to find a good clinic that can refer you to specialist. I always went to Boulder. I'm not sure how much things have changed in the past few years I know that there have been a ton of homeless people that have piled into Boulder from other different states so maybe they change things a bit.

 

[Efilismislife]

200 or more is dangerous tho
your heart will fail to pump/circulated blood

i got 180bpm before while just lying on bed doing nothing
and my lips turn blue and i couldnt breathe and feel terrible

Im familiar with it because i have arrythmia and it scares me

Tachycardia is nothing compared to throwing up--The heart can beat 200 times a minute or more for brief times with no ill effects--don't think there's any danger til it hits 250 or so

 

[outrider567]

200 or more is dangerous tho

i got 180 before(im sick, have heart issue)
and my lips turn blue and i couldnt breathe and feel terrible

I stand corrected--sorry--certainly with a heart condition you don't want tachycardia

 

[makethepainstop]

My loved one has been providing for me financially while I wait for disability. But I never filed. It's been a month and I can't seem to MAKE myself participate in my future. It's like I'm frozen. I... truly dissociate and feel like I'm losing my mind a lot. I went to the ER last month because of the internal tremors and they seemed pissed I even came in and refused to do anything more than bloodwork. Told me I had anxiety and to go home. I truly don't know if they could have done anything to help, but I got a clear impression that I was wasting their time. So fuck it. I'm done.

I've kind of slowly stopped participating in society and in my treatment. Unfortunately, I don't have any faith in any of the mental health professionals I have been in contact with lately.

The last psychiatrist tried to refuse to prescribe ambien for my chronic insomnia because of my "alcohol problem." I don't drink alcohol. It seems every single professional assumes I'm drug seeking, personality disordered (definitely true by now), or a hypochondriac.

Not to be dramatic, but I have been (in my view) tortured by mh professionals who forced me (Literally took me to court) to take lithium. I had told the doctor, fine, I will take the mood stabilizer, but NOT lithium. MAJOR health issues and you have to get routine bloodwork which I didn't feel I was responsible enough for.

Took me to court and forced me to take it for six months. Sorry, but fuck them. That shit gave me PTSD because the doctor also went against my written wishes and divulged treatment info with my narcissistic, sadistic mother. (No contact three years. Have no feelings about leaving her behind.) Talk about absolute erosion of trust and betrayal.


Thanks so much for your advice and trying to help me problem solve. You have great suggestions, and there absolutely ARE options. I just have no faith, man. I feel like "been there, done that."

I guess I needed to get some shit off my chest. Thanks for listening. I hope you're doing okay, yourself.

Oh, I know there's no danger. But I'm prone to experiencing anxiety the second those physical symptoms start. Once the heart is pumping, my brain goes woooowooowooo DANGER, and I'm worried I'll bail. It may be a panic disorder thing, I think. Getting rid of my phone is on my list.

Vomiting is somehow fine to me. I experience dry heaves and retching constantly from anxiety but that racing heart -- UGH! shudder. Can't stand it. I know it doesn't make sense. I don't even work out for this reason. I'm a puss.

You are NOT a puss, you ARE a human being. You have been through so much, I understand your feelings. Big hug here!

 

[Efilismislife]

I stand corrected--sorry--certainly with a heart condition you don't want tachycardia

From what i know even with people without heart disease 200+ could be dangerous cause the heart cant pump/circulated blood properly

but i guess for people who want to ctb since their objective is to die it could be ok as long as they can stand the suffering

But in my case i get traumatized by it so its hard for me :(