Fear of death or fear of losing life?

[bl33ding_heart]

Are you hesitant to ctb because you're scared of death and what may come after. Possible oblivion, or an afterlife. Or is it because you're scared of losing a potential good life you could live? For me I am afraid to ctb because I'm scared that things could potentially get better if I don't, and if I were to ctb I'd be wasting that opportunity. I have an incurable personality disorder that makes my life hell, and essentially makes my life feel like a never ending loop of suffering. I know for a fact I would have way more peace in death than life. But I can't stop clinging on to the tiny bit of hope that things could get better for me. It really feels like I'm just bullshitting myself and only causing myself more pain and suffering by holding this pointless belief. I wish I could just accept that my mental state will never be fully ok, and kick the bucket already to end my suffering.

 

[Aflame5926]

that means you still have a hope. even if it might be a false hope. hope is hope that can make you go.
i hope your hope will be rewarded. the only thing you can do is keep trying.

for me its neither but its the fear of pain i have. physical pain. that the one thing that holds me back.
i get paranoid of finding a way to CTB. pretty much have bad sleep of this because im non stop looking for it.

 

[Matchaaa]

I might feel this way, I know I can never leave this country or this life and I want to find eternal liberation through CTB. I'm afraid that once things "get better," my mind will start deceiving itself, and I'll be unable to find peace and liberation. That's why I deliberately prevent myself from getting better, hoping that one day, when I can't take it anymore, I'll finally be able to do it and find liberation.
But I haven't dared to do it yet because I'm afraid of the pain involved.

I hope you can find a way to find happiness and comfort.

 

[glass-petal]

it's a bit of both for me. i'm in a somewhat similar boat to you, dealing with something incurable that can make life royally suck at times. with that being a constant factor in my mind it often feels like a pipe dream when i try to imagine things truly getting better for me. i have to be realistic about the limits of my situation, and that can make it pretty impossible to hold onto anything resembling hope.

 

[idfwlnh]

Are you hesitant to ctb because you're scared of death and what may come after. Possible oblivion, or an afterlife. Or is it because you're scared of losing a potential good life you could live? For me I am afraid to ctb because I'm scared that things could potentially get better if I don't, and if I were to ctb I'd be wasting that opportunity. I have an incurable personality disorder that makes my life hell, and essentially makes my life feel like a never ending loop of suffering. I know for a fact I would have way more peace in death than life. But I can't stop clinging on to the tiny bit of hope that things could get better for me. It really feels like I'm just bullshitting myself and only causing myself more pain and suffering by holding this pointless belief. I wish I could just accept that my mental state will never be fully ok, and kick the bucket already to end my suffering.

I'm scared of pain and the uneasy feeling of discomfort when dying. I don't care abt life anymore, just a corpse doing things to survive

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Fear of surviving. I took a bunch of acid and thought i saw the afterlife and it was terrifying. So that's kinda scary too.

Still I wish I could try ASAP

Keep clinging on to that hope! I'd be happy to hear you recovered.

I'm afraid that once things "get better," my mind will start deceiving itself, and I'll be unable to find peace and liberation. That's why I deliberately prevent myself from getting better, hoping that one day, when I can't take it anymore, I'll finally be able to do it and find liberation.

I've done the same before. I hope you find hope or peace from that cycle.

 

[Quietist]

I consider death a transition, so the process of death doesn't scare me so much as the unknown of what's to meet me on the other side.

I try to consider the NDEs of people who have experienced bliss and beauty on the other side, but I also remember a lot of the "hell" experiences.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I only continue to suffer in this torturous, dreadful existence as a result of humans making it illegal to cease existing painlessly, it truly is such horrific extreme cruelty how we exist in this reality where the suffering and torture of existing is seen as to force and prolong no matter what, there's just so much evil in anti-suicide.

All that anti-suicide people want is for others to be tortured for as much and as long as possible, all I want is to be free from the torture of existing and it's just so horrible and painful to me how a human can be tortured in this existence for decades longer just to face the agony of old age.

For me existence will just always be an abomination and all I want is to erase this existence, all that existence ever does is cause all this pain and torture with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, it's so terrible how this existence was even imposed at all, to suffer in this existence will always be a mistake to me, I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all.

 

[qtk5436]

Maybe there will be more pain in your life. Maybe your mental state will never be 100% ok. But that doesn't mean that you'll never have good things happen either. I hope you'll be ok, and that your life gets better. I know saying that doesn't mean much, but I mean it.

 

[tomame]

i just was saying to my coworker the other day how despite coming off like a toxically positive person most times .. nothing seems to be more hopeless than committing suicide.

when i see the baggage many older people carry .. that are much stronger than i am .. i don't even think about what i would have to carry in order for my life to somehow be better .. the only thing stopping me is going to Hell.

but truthfully these days .. i'm starting to think it won't be the case .. or that simple .. or that bad. idk.

 

[Bybye]

I know there's no good future for me, I've known since forever. I've put effort in vain, trying to make a future for myself, and it's all been a waste of money, energy and time. Had I not gone to university, had I not tried to do anything at all, I'd be in the same position as today but with way more money on my bank account.
In my future there's only sickness, pain, and more struggle. Hunger, homelessness.

Sometimes there's no place in the world for you, and all you're left with is death. What I'm afraid of is the pain of the process of dying, the discomfort of a healthy body resisting death. And I still have a survival instinct that tells me I should fear the unknown, the dreaded idea of not existing anymore. When i read people's experiences with SN and they describe things like a total blackness, it causes fear to think about it.

 

[lpdsvm]

Same. I'm still alive despite the facts that will likely make my life miserable. Maybe it is just smoke and mirrors maybe a real deal. I cannot know unless that happens.
And it's also hard to live knowing that I'm potentially screwed. I have to always accept that I need to CTB if things go wrong. I also need to make sure I am OK with the exit date no matter why it happens.

 

[wine is fine but]

That's why I deliberately prevent myself from getting better, hoping that one day, when I can't take it anymore, I'll finally be able to do it and find liberation

please do not do that
it cannot help you - the human spirit will continue to fight to live no matter how bad things get. rock bottom is much lower than most people believe it will be. if you need to liberate yourself that is your choice, but please do not deliberately make yourself worse just to make that easier. it will make whatever time you have left, much worse than it could be, but may not allow you to be liberated any sooner. it will be a lose/lose situation

 

[itsgone2]

I'm scared of pain and the uneasy feeling of discomfort when dying. I don't care abt life anymore, just a corpse doing things to survive

Same. Just the pain holds me back. I died last September. Just need finished off.

 

[difficvltmachineryy]

Are you hesitant to ctb because you're scared of death and what may come after. Possible oblivion, or an afterlife. Or is it because you're scared of losing a potential good life you could live? For me I am afraid to ctb because I'm scared that things could potentially get better if I don't, and if I were to ctb I'd be wasting that opportunity. I have an incurable personality disorder that makes my life hell, and essentially makes my life feel like a never ending loop of suffering. I know for a fact I would have way more peace in death than life. But I can't stop clinging on to the tiny bit of hope that things could get better for me. It really feels like I'm just bullshitting myself and only causing myself more pain and suffering by holding this pointless belief. I wish I could just accept that my mental state will never be fully ok, and kick the bucket already to end my suffering.

I think it is both. I am 100% sure death is non-existence, but if it is something else us the living cant comprehend i will be mad. Unless its something good idk. I also sometimes think about ohh but what if something good happens, well fuck that, they couldve happened earlier before i became this desperate that i decided id rather die. Truth is there is no place for an angel as fragile and sensitive as me, in this hideous cruel world. I had hope, but lost it. As Nietzsche said, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments

 

[Matchaaa]

please do not do that
it cannot help you - the human spirit will continue to fight to live no matter how bad things get. rock bottom is much lower than most people believe it will be. if you need to liberate yourself that is your choice, but please do not deliberately make yourself worse just to make that easier. it will make whatever time you have left, much worse than it could be, but may not allow you to be liberated any sooner. it will be a lose/lose situation

Thank you for offering a different perspective, it means a lot to me, and I think you are right.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

There are four rules:

1. You cannot experience death, for it would be like being put under anesthesia.

2. Suicide is not a sin which leads to hell (separation), but rather it is unbelief. (John 3:16)

3. In spite of all you do to make your exit foolproof, there is always a one percent chance you'll survive because it simply "wasn't your time yet".

4. The world hates liabilities, and would rather they not exist, yet the rules dictate that all life is inherently valuable.

Therefore, as Suncha Ferriera from the Victus Group commands, "CONTROL THE THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL," for whoever has, to then more will be given until they have it abundantly, but those that do not have, even what they think they have shall be taken from them. (Matthew 13:12)

 

[wine is fine but]

Are you hesitant to ctb because you're scared of death and what may come after. Possible oblivion, or an afterlife. Or is it because you're scared of losing a potential good life you could live? For me I am afraid to ctb because I'm scared that things could potentially get better if I don't, and if I were to ctb I'd be wasting that opportunity. I have an incurable personality disorder that makes my life hell, and essentially makes my life feel like a never ending loop of suffering. I know for a fact I would have way more peace in death than life. But I can't stop clinging on to the tiny bit of hope that things could get better for me. It really feels like I'm just bullshitting myself and only causing myself more pain and suffering by holding this pointless belief. I wish I could just accept that my mental state will never be fully ok, and kick the bucket already to end my suffering.

i think everyone feels a little bit of everything you mentioned

for myself personally, i feel guilty thinking about potentially throwing away an existence that on face value, billions of people would love to have, especially when others are born with horrible birth defects, when i "may" just be a little too precious to appreciate what i have been given

oblivion sounds much better to me, but it is also hard to imagine. i do not want any form of after life, but then if i was granted another existence, it would be starting from zero again, so at the very least, i would not have any knowledge of this life, so perhaps it would be good - i do not wish to take that chance though. i guess i wish an afterlife would be whatever the person themselves wanted it to be

obviously, there is always a chance for things to get better, no matter how slim, so the human spirit will always look at that possibility too, before closing off this chapter

i truly hope you can somehow manage to get around your demons. to lose you from this world would be devastating. at least you are trying though. that makes you a winner in my opinion. don't get me wrong, i do not agree with "everyone gets a trophy" and not keeping score so there are no losers ideology. for any individual, the only person we are ever competing against is ourselves. all anyone can do is try to make themselves better, and at least you are not taking the easy option. for sure, suicide is possibly one of the most difficult options to face up to, but to try and look for positives in your situation is a thing you should be proud of. if you do end up taking your own life, then you would have done two of the bravest things possible. to fight your demons as long as you possibly could have and then to sadly choose a totally different realm that is one of the most difficult things anyone could ever go through with as well

as for being devastated if you left us, that part is true, but i do not want you (or anyone) to be forced to exist due to my selfishness, so i hope you can just be as happy, as comfortable and as content as possible for whatever time you have left - be it decades or just until your sn arrives

 

[PanaxMan]

Are you hesitant to ctb because you're scared of death and what may come after. Possible oblivion, or an afterlife. Or is it because you're scared of losing a potential good life you could live? For me I am afraid to ctb because I'm scared that things could potentially get better if I don't, and if I were to ctb I'd be wasting that opportunity. I have an incurable personality disorder that makes my life hell, and essentially makes my life feel like a never ending loop of suffering. I know for a fact I would have way more peace in death than life. But I can't stop clinging on to the tiny bit of hope that things could get better for me. It really feels like I'm just bullshitting myself and only causing myself more pain and suffering by holding this pointless belief. I wish I could just accept that my mental state will never be fully ok, and kick the bucket already to end my suffering.

Not scared at all. I just want it to end