Discussion Fear of CTB/Survival Instinct

[Notaname]

I really want to ctb, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've been picking away at my survival instinct for like a month now, but I'm still just too scared. I've cut off almost everyone, I quit my job, I have the materials. Why can't I just fucking do it?!

 

[supergold#2]

do you mind if i ask what your chosen method is?

EDIT: bc i figured out a couple "practice routines" that may be helpful, depending on the method

 

[Anonymousa]

Cus stupid human body trying to find anything it can so that you continuing live even if you want to die. It is biologically made so that it can prevent you from dying.

 

[Notaname]

do you mind if i ask what your chosen method is?

Inert gas.

Cus stupid human body trying to find anything it can so that you continuing live even if you want to die. It is biologically made so that it can prevent you from dying.

It's a really cruel joke. Your brain will even make up reasons to have you look forward to the next day just to trick you.

 

[supergold#2]

Inert gas.

It's a really cruel joke. Your brain will even make up reasons to have you look forward to the next day just to trick you.

ah shit, i unfortunately have very little applicable knowledge on this one, but most of what i've come to realize lately is that a lot of [my] SI is directly tied to the alien-ness of the sensation of the method, and familiarization seems to cut a huge portion of that fear (at least for me); i.e. opioid overdose isn't scary in the seconds leading up to blackout after developing a taste for the sensation, and SN seems less daunting after familiarizing myself with a sustained and heavy dose of poppers (which have a somewhat similar effect/very similar chemical makeup)

is there a way you could practice or "get high" on your inert gas of choice to develop a taste for it, so to speak? (i know nitrogen (commonly refered to as "whip-its" by wooks lmao) produces a high when inhaled, could it be similar for others too?

 

[bananaolympus]

Because you not really ready to die there is no si for people who truly are about to kill themselves

 

[supergold#2]

Because you not really ready to die there is no si for people who truly are about to kill themselves

i genuinely don't think is true?? if nothing else, i feel like most people have at least a fear of consequences of failure, which can be an overwhelming setback in attempting?
idk, i wasn't really overwhelmingly afraid on my last attempt (which put me into a 3 day coma/would have worked if id not been rescued) due to the fact that i put a ton of effort into normalizing my fears (and had an obscene dose of benzos in my system too), but to say that my SI was gone is faaaar from the fact.
idk, i'm no expert, considering i'm still here, but i just feel like blanket statements like "you wouldn't have SI if you actually wanted to ctb" are kinda just anti-choice rhetoric/propaganda when it comes to suicide?

 

[Notaname]

Because you not really ready to die there is no si for people who truly are about to kill themselves

I don't think this is true. I've made peace with the decision. I don't have anything I'm looking forward to or anything I'd miss. This is my body doing everything in its power to save me. I wish I had a more passive method that would slowly get me closer each day rather than just all at once, but it is what is it.

i genuinely don't think is true?? if nothing else, i feel like most people have at least a fear of consequences of failure, which can be an overwhelming setback in attempting?
idk, i wasn't really overwhelmingly afraid on my last attempt (which put me into a 3 day coma/would have worked if id not been rescued) due to the fact that i put a ton of effort into normalizing my fears (and had an obscene dose of benzos in my system too), but to say that my SI was gone is faaaar from the fact.
idk, i'm no expert, considering i'm still here, but i just feel like blanket statements like "you wouldn't have SI if you actually wanted to ctb" are kinda just anti-choice rhetoric/propaganda when it comes to suicide?

I'm sorry your attempt failed. I've found that the vast majority of people don't actually care. If you go a while with limited to no contact (assuming you live on your own), then nobody should check in to stop you. I've cut off almost all my friends, my family has been cut off for a while, nobody regularly checks in. Then when you mention that you're depressed and actively working towards ctb they act like they care for a while (maybe a week or two tops), but they'll stop checking in.