Venting fear I'm worried I'll relapse

[LonelyKitten]

Ahhhhhh fate has been cruel lately...
I've been monitoring my options for survival, and accounting my resources and it's not looking good, many doors seem shut, bad news pour in.

All I can do is try everything I still have access to, and, like... I like to follow signs, my instincts.
They tend to turn out best...
But these recent days, the signs all point to death.

And now I walked past what may be harmful...
Apparently you can just buy Codeine in the UK?
Maybe I shouldn't say this out loud at all.

But. But. I don't know.
It just reminds me so much of how little I have left, to keep me away from that stuff again.

I overdosed before - from a stronger medication, of course.
Back then, I almost died.
Back then, for a second, it all turned white.
I swear, I saw the light.

Once I fought it off, I still had a choice.
My friends, or sinking further into despair, a route bound sure for death.
I chose my friends and stopped.

I don't have that kind of support anymore.
I'm too vulnerable. It's right there, taunting me.
No impulse control left. Why?
Because it's hard, what do I live for?
Where is safety, stability?

Oh please, I wish...
I wish I had one more path to Recovery...

 

[tiger b]

Always wishing you well, Kitten.

 

[hi-okbye]

i love the poetic aspect of this, it's beautiful and relatable, i'm sorry you feel like this too though. i hope you find your light again <3

 

[Yaffle]

No, Codeine is controlled here.

You can get Co-codamol or Solpadeine Plus with 8mg Codeine or Solpadeine Max with 12.8mg codeine.

The lethal dose seems to be 4.5 to 8 grams.

Years ago used to be able to buy Codeine tablets but Codeine stronger than Solpadeine Max is prescription only.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Like @Yaffle said, I think you need a prescription for codeine in the UK and they don't tend to give you much at a time because it is so addictive. I got prescribed 30mg codeine tablets when I had gallstone problems. I had hoped I could go that way too but I don't think it's all that do-able. Not sure but I imagine you would also need antiemetics which also require a prescrption. They don't make it that easy I'm afraid...

 

[LonelyKitten]

I bought some sorry

Spoiler

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/470338270320918530/1176877406611578972/DSC_0670.jpg?ex=6570777f&is=655e027f&hm=8b7da6ea2dab5ee38deffb730cb4bbae08374aab1545c42ae7eac31b22500e2d&

It only gave me a very short hit of calm, though...

To be honest, the dosage is so low, that due to the combination with paracetamol, you really can't get addicted to this unless you're willing to destroy your guts.
And I've been through stark intestinal pain before, I refuse to repeat, it is hell.

Still, it surprised me how large a package they sell for so low a price.
Maybe opioid problems are just a bigger deal in the US, but there, you see, any pharmacy I went to, the stuff was locked hard in safes.

I guess this won't do much apart from invoking sour memory... And reminding once again, the naked vulnerability I find myself in.