Venting faults

[vittra213]

i swear to god i cannot take this anymore, whatever i say or whatever i do is always so stupid or pathetic and always ends up hurting someone. and the worst part is i don't realise it, i don't want to hurt anyone especially the person i love but i just can't ever do the right thing and i hate myself for it. no one ever understands me, and it's my fault. i can't ever formulate my words to my will. no one will ever know how i feel because my mouth and brain doesn't work together. i have planned on dying soon. i really thought things would sort itself out but now i realised it's not them, it's me. there's something wrong with me, i realised this not too long ago. it's hard to even call myself human because my mind and understanding is nowhere near theirs. i don't feel human. i just feel pathetic. and when i try to explain i don't mean to hurt them then it just looks like im making up excuses but its true. i hate myself so much i hate looking in mirrors i hate how i talk i hate who i am i hate everything about me. i'm having hard time even formulating myself here. i crave alprazolam to feel good during hard times. i have already overdosed twice, i have stood on the top of a building but i was too afraid. i rely on the person i love to feel good and it controls my emotions. but thats not very good because i cant formulate myself or express myself which ruins our connection. i want to die i want to die now. no one can save me, i was not supposed to be born even my mom threw me away. i will either overdose or jump infront of a train. when someone says it's their fault they won't believe me when i say they haven't done anything, i always make faults because of who i am. please don't try to talk myself out of this because i won't change my mind. i'll make another post when ill do it. i hate seeing people around me having such easy way of living. people think i do too but its false. i hope you guys will live a good life but i just can't. either i die or i live an idiot who keeps hurting forever. and i love her so much so incredibly much i wish i could go back to when everythign felt real. but that's impossible. she doesn't love me and she never will, she doesn't need to. she's the most beautiful person i have met. i thought she loved me, i really thought she did. but she said she gaslit herself into thinking she loved me. she's my everything and now looking back at what meant everything to me i realise it wasn't even real. everythign wasn't real. i was an asshole.