hopscotch
i am so good at not being very good its crazy
- May 6, 2023
- 25
Just curious, does anyone else regularly fantasize about terminal illness? I feel like there must really be something special in life because so many people DO follow through with it, but it seems to me as if I can never attain it the way I am, and the way I continue to be. I'm always too scared to ctb, but I don't think I've been happy for years and years. I feel like if I had late stage cancer or something and had a limited timeframe to live the pressure would really force me to find some joy in life, with the added benefit of not having to worry about the future. I can't really believe that life is all suffering, because sometimes I can look at a tree with flowers and think 'oh, that's nice', but it just seems so transient-- I think when you know something will end you are forced to appreciate it more, like some sort of procrastinator of joy having to work their ass off before life's deadline.
Anyway, it's obviously not really something I can control, but here's to hoping that I get some terminal illness instead of some other poor sap who's already happy, even if I do come to regret it later when I find out being terminally ill isn't as nice as I make it out to be. (Because I have very little doubt if I DO get terminally ill I won't be much a fan, but there's never been harm in romanticizing something unattainable I guess)
Anyway, it's obviously not really something I can control, but here's to hoping that I get some terminal illness instead of some other poor sap who's already happy, even if I do come to regret it later when I find out being terminally ill isn't as nice as I make it out to be. (Because I have very little doubt if I DO get terminally ill I won't be much a fan, but there's never been harm in romanticizing something unattainable I guess)
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