Venting Fantasizing about after my death

[willitpass]

All I can think about anymore is CTB is a couple of weeks. I've worn my thoughts thin thinking about it over and over again all day every day. I can only play over the act itself so many times before I'm thinking the same thing in circles, so my mind has drifted to the after. I know it doesn't matter. I'll be dead. But my mind is looking for anything to think about related to my CTB.

I hope the hotel worker doesnt see much at all before calling first responders. I should have a large trash bag over my head so long as I dont pull it off while unconscious, so that will spare them the sight of my face. My body will be under blankets. I can only imagine how disturbing it would be to see someone laying in bed with a bag over their head, but at least they won't have the memory of my dead face engrained into them.

I hate that it will have to be treated like a crime scene. Everything collected as evidence. Photos taken of my body. An autopsy performed. I understand why they can't, but I wish they could take obvious suicides at face value and just give all of my belongings to my family and allow me to go straight to the crematorium. An investigation will only cause my family more pain.

I've been listening to music about death. Not about suicide, but about
death and loss. Looking through baby pictures of myself and wondering what the exact point was that I lost my innocence. It wasn't long at all. 5 or 6 at the latest.

 

[Davey40210]

I also fantasize about CTB all the time. And after finding this site I'm like on it during all my free time.

I never think about the people that will find me though. Only what the people that I care about think and feel. It's nice to see you are so caring about these unknown people like first responders, it must indeed be hard for them.

 

[willitpass]

I've put a lot of thought into how I'll set the scene up as well. Staging my body almost. I will have my journals from my entire life intentionally open to the most telling page open next to my body along with my photo album. My favorite family photo from when I was a baby pulled out and set on top. My current journal open to the newest page with my thoughts written out in real time up until I become ready to pass out and put the bag over my head.

I'll take the labels off the pill bottles to delay treatment if I'm found before death.

 

[Wolf Girl]

I never think about the aftermath. Not even for a moment. I won't be able to go through with it if I think about the reality of what I'm doing.

 

[whotookmylexapro]

Have you written a Will or some kind of advanced directive that is notorized so that maybe authorities will be respectful with your body?

I mean they will probably still autopsy and take photos but atleast it will show clear evidence that its not a homocide. It will also allow you to designate your belongings to your family too.
I dont know if youve already done that yet so sorry for assuming.

 

[willitpass]

Have you written a Will or some kind of advanced directive that is notorized so that maybe authorities will be respectful with your body?

I mean they will probably still autopsy and take photos but atleast it will show clear evidence that its not a homocide. It will also allow you to designate your belongings to your family too.
I dont know if youve already done that yet so sorry for assuming.

It will be incredibly clear by the scene that it's suicide. Years of journal entries talking about being depressed and suicidal dating back to when I was 9. My current journal has pages from what will be about a month prior to my death where I talk in detail about what I plan on doing down to the medications and dosages I will be taking. I grew up in the mental healthcare system. I have 3 attempts that nearly killed me that are in my medical record. No one will truly question it being a suicide. Unfortunately it's law where I live that they will have to investigate, including doing an autopsy and temporarily holding anything on scene as evidence. I hope that they will return my belongings back to my family as soon as they finish their open and shut investigation. No will or advanced directive can stop a crime scene investigation.

 

[Amarajoy]

Is it common for people to rip the bag off or attempt to? I read accounts of final exit supposedly holding hands down but I thought the beauty of this method is that your body does not recognize it is dying so does not make any attempts to save itself.

I've been having the same thoughts. I wish I could start my life over. But then I remember I have this chronic illness and I don't want to go through this again but I think about the life I thought I would live versus the life I did live. So much trauma.

 

[Travelr]

I wish it was easier to go, VAD would be ideal but almost impossible to access. I think about the people I leave behind especially family that I'm good with on good terms, it pains me but I try not to let it take away my permission to be at peace, especially since I feel that I am already gone, dead.

 

[willitpass]

Is it common for people to rip the bag off or attempt to? I read accounts of final exit supposedly holding hands down but I thought the beauty of this method is that your body does not recognize it is dying so does not make any attempts to save itself.

I've been having the same thoughts. I wish I could start my life over. But then I remember I have this chronic illness and I don't want to go through this again but I think about the life I thought I would live versus the life I did live. So much trauma.

It is very common, especially if the bag is not the appropriate size and the person is not using sedatives. Your body will start to have elevated levels of CO2 from rebreathing, and if this occurs prior to oxygen levels dropping sufficiently, panic signals will be sent off. Once your brain starts panicking, it will do anything and everything to save you. In this case, saving you involves taking off the bag preventing you from getting adequate oxygen. It has very questionable success rates, and is nearly impossible without drugs on board unless you manage to perfectly calculate the bag size. In my case it's a backup in case my main method fails, not the primary method, which is why I'm not thinking too hard about it. I won't be placing it until I feel I'm nearing unconscious from the overdosing and sedatives, so no risk of me taking it off while awake and I pray I'll be so heavily sedated I won't take it off while unconscious either.

 

[Amarajoy]

It is very common, especially if the bag is not the appropriate size and the person is not using sedatives. Your body will start to have elevated levels of CO2 from rebreathing, and if this occurs prior to oxygen levels dropping sufficiently, panic signals will be sent off. Once your brain starts panicking, it will do anything and everything to save you. In this case, saving you involves taking off the bag preventing you from getting adequate oxygen. It has very questionable success rates, and is nearly impossible without drugs on board unless you manage to perfectly calculate the bag size. In my case it's a backup in case my main method fails, not the primary method, which is why I'm not thinking too hard about it. I won't be placing it until I feel I'm nearing unconscious from the overdosing and sedatives, so no risk of me taking it off while awake and I pray I'll be so heavily sedated I won't take it off while unconscious either.

Thank you for this information. I was under the impression it's quick, painless and isn't supposed to cause the body to fight against it. It was my first choice but I guess I will have to pass on it.

If you don't mind sharing what is your chosen method?

Best wishes to you.

 

[willitpass]

Thank you for this information. I was under the impression it's quick, painless and isn't supposed to cause the body to fight against it. It was my first choice but I guess I will have to pass on it.

If you don't mind sharing what is your chosen method?

Best wishes to you.

Overdosing on my two cardiac prescriptions mixed with Visine, with baclofen and benadryl for sedation/extra cardiac effects.

 

[vitbar]

I too think about after. I imagine my body being found. Someone contacting my family. "he's dead, he killed himself". It's gut wrenching to think about