Discussion fantasizing about the aftermath.

[merciful]

does anyone else ever find themselves fantasizing/daydreaming about what comes after? i guess fantasizing isn't really the right word as it isn't really a pleasant thought, but i often find myself in deep disassociated thought loops imagining the aftermath and outcome once i decide to go. what my friends would say to eachother and how they would react, my mothers pain, the people who didn't know suddenly putting together the pieces. the thought maybe nobody would care that much or it may possibly destroy some people.
it's not something i will ever know nor witness but i think of it a lot. sometimes i hope certain people feel a deep pain from it and i feel deeply guilty for thinking that way. other days i hope nobody notices.
im not sure why this aspect of it decides to drill itself into my mind as often as it does.
what are your thoughts on "what comes after"?

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Yes, I love daydreaming about the psychological terror that would befall my deranged and horrid parents. Its a shame Im not going to be around to witness their mental breakdowns at finally realizing how much they fucked up as human beings.

 

[_Gollum_]

I hate admitting it but I'm very guilty of this too, especially with a certain person who I wish cared about me more. Sometimes when I'm feeling self-indulgent I imagine this person being really torn up about my CTB (and feeling guilty about how they treated me, especially after reading my journal), but other times I'm more realistic and understand that they wouldn't be that affected and within a few weeks to a month will have mostly forgotten about it and carried on with their life. During these latter times, when I'm not feeling self-pitying, I understand that this would actually be the best outcome, because I don't want others to suffer the way I've suffered.

I kind of use it as a gauge of how close I am to attempting though; the more I fantasize about people's reactions, the less likely I am to CTB, because it indicates that my suffering is coming from unmet emotional needs, instead of from a deep sense of being finished, irreparably exhausted with life. The more I fantasize about the act of CTB itself, the closer I am to CTBing.

 

[kitkat9234]

I'm scared of what happens next. Worried about being worse off. One of the reasons why I'm still here.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i looooove thinking about how much my suicide would affect people. it's such a guilty pleasure of mine. i don't know if i want people to be hurt, confused, or unaffected. i'll never know. it feels good to think about because it makes me feel important, even though i won't be around to see people's reactions. it feels like the thoughts i would have when i was younger where i thought that everyone would be better off if i just died, even though they would be sad at first. i feel like me being alive just holds people back, even if no one needs me anymore. i just hope that my death means something to anyone when i constantly forget that i exist to everyone around me.