Help Family is pressuring me

[BabyCamus]

I have been so sure of my decision to CTB, but I have been made to feel like I would be incredibly selfish, stupid and lazy if I did CTB. I hate to think of this being the last memory my family have of me. At the minute, they are all so sick of me being depressed and not doing anything for myself or even trying. And I just can't decide if it's worth it or not. Should I make one last effort to really change my life? Start college again, move out of my dad's flat and get a job? I had all this before - I was independent, I was a student with a job and friends and a life, and I still couldn't handle it - my mental health got so bad that I was forced into a psych ward for a year and a half. I don't want to try again for the same thing to happen. But am I being too defeatist? I know of course only I can know my own situation, but I'm so scared of making all that effort when I know my own shitty brain might destroy everything again. Maybe this is the wrong section, and I should have posted on Recovery instead. But I have a plan, I'm just waiting for my payment stuff to be sorted to order SN…But should I give life another go? If I didn't have to worry about what my family would think, I would already be gone, but they've convinced me that I'm not giving myself a fair chance and I'm starting to wonder if they could be right. I could really start trying again, but what would be the point? For me, death is the ultimate freedom from struggling and a source of comfort to me. What is it they say… "Am I The Asshole?".

 

[FacePALM]

No you aren't the asshole. Suicide isn't some selfish decision, it takes guts and a lot of suffering to get to a point and actually do it. I do believe however if there is doubt you should give it another shot. But like you said only you can make that decision because you know your situation.

I feel stupid saying this because I haven't taken my own advice, but if fear is the only thing stopping you from trying to live a life again, and the choice is between suicide and trying what have you got to loose? Suicide will wait for you, life won't. I am not saying it is easy because I am acutely aware that it really isn't this simple but atleast it is something to think about.

 

[Sulyya]

What caused the trouble, was it working alongside school and social life? Can you just do some of it to make it more manageable mentally if so?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand seeing death as being comforting as it's the end of all suffering, but after all only you can decide what you should do, it's a personal decision. But anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[BabyCamus]

No you aren't the asshole. Suicide isn't some selfish decision, it takes guts and a lot of suffering to get to a point and actually do it. I do believe however if there is doubt you should give it another shot. But like you said only you can make that decision because you know your situation.

I feel stupid saying this because I haven't taken my own advice, but if fear is the only thing stopping you from trying to live a life again, and the choice is between suicide and trying what have you got to loose? Suicide will wait for you, life won't. I am not saying it is easy because I am acutely aware that it really isn't this simple but atleast it is something to think about.

I mean for me I think I have actually got a lot to lose… That's a lot more suffering I could be putting myself through for nothing. And I always find myself thinking…Like what is actually the point of continuing, even if some things get better? What is so great about life? Everyone dies in the end anyway. I really struggle to see the point in doing everything it takes to give yourself a chance at "happiness": working to support myself, trying to change my mindset so that I magically accept my body, doing all the things required like eating right and exercising and finding a deeper purpose and forming relationships (which is very hard for me as someone who is autistic). I don't know I guess I just don't see the point in trying. But I am very easily influenced and my family have convinced me that I am simply not trying hard enough. If I went now I know what they would say about me…That I just couldn't be bothered to pull my socks up and do the hard work. Is there ever really a good reason to live??

 

[Yahwa]

If it helps you a little, just tell yourself that THEY are the assholes. You have the right to be in pain, you have the right to express it, you have the right to vent and to wanna leave. THEY are the ones being selfish, stupid and lazy. That's all they have to say to someone suffering? That says a lot about their characters. If making them sad/suffer is what's been holding you back all these years, then I don't know how they managed to get so much consideration from you when they've been acting like that all along… I'm not telling you what you should do, but whether you wanna give it another try or CTB, it should only be YOUR decision without anyone else in mind. Think about yourself. You matter more than anyone else in your life. Whatever you decide to do, I support you and wish you the best

 

[BabyCamus]

What caused the trouble, was it working alongside school and social life? Can you just do some of it to make it more manageable mentally if so?

No I don't think that was the problem. It's my brain: I can't get close to anyone and I just turn inwards and I hate my face and body and seem to blame all my problems on that. I don't know it's hard to say what the exact issue is.

 

[Sulyya]

I can't get close to anyone and I just turn inwards and I hate my face and body and seem to blame all my problems on that.

I understand this, or at least something similar. I'm not sure if I have a chance for the things I want or not. Just starting her as if I did

 

[FacePALM]

I mean for me I think I have actually got a lot to lose… That's a lot more suffering I could be putting myself through for nothing. And I always find myself thinking…Like what is actually the point of continuing, even if some things get better? What is so great about life? Everyone dies in the end anyway. I really struggle to see the point in doing everything it takes to give yourself a chance at "happiness": working to support myself, trying to change my mindset so that I magically accept my body, doing all the things required like eating right and exercising and finding a deeper purpose and forming relationships (which is very hard for me as someone who is autistic). I don't know I guess I just don't see the point in trying. But I am very easily influenced and my family have convinced me that I am simply not trying hard enough. If I went now I know what they would say about me…That I just couldn't be bothered to pull my socks up and do the hard work. Is there ever really a good reason to live??

Well I don't know if there is a really good reason to live. I am in almost exactly the same boat as you. I think along exactly the same line, what's the point? To me everything seems like a lot of hard work for nothing, just to end up suffering again or to never stop suffering. Which is probably why I don't take my own advice, I can't help you in this one because I haven't figured it out for myself. I don't know why you or I should continu. Sorry to be a bit of a downer. But btw it isn't that you aren't bothered to do the hard work, but there has got to be a point in doing it, if you can't find it, it's isn't your fault.

 

[brokensea]

I think your family cares about you and wants you to get better. I think sometimes people just aren't equipped to help and don't always say the right thing. Have you ever had a time in your life you felt happier or better or that life wasn't so bad? If it's a mental health issue sometimes finding the right medication can help you live a normal life but it's really hard and there's quite a bit of error in getting the right thing.

It is up to you if you want to continue to try. You are still young and there are still options. You just have to really be honest with yourself about it if you can picture a life you'd want to live in and if it is possible to achieve. Some things seem impossible but they're just so hard they feel impossible but aren't. There's no need to rush into anything and you want to make sure you're making a really clear decision and not just having a bad mental state or depression. It's hard to see out of the two the difference But it's your life and your decision. Just try to make sure it's the right one and it's clear.

 

[vaguebluur]

I have been so sure of my decision to CTB, but I have been made to feel like I would be incredibly selfish, stupid and lazy if I did CTB. I hate to think of this being the last memory my family have of me. At the minute, they are all so sick of me being depressed and not doing anything for myself or even trying. And I just can't decide if it's worth it or not. Should I make one last effort to really change my life? Start college again, move out of my dad's flat and get a job? I had all this before - I was independent, I was a student with a job and friends and a life, and I still couldn't handle it - my mental health got so bad that I was forced into a psych ward for a year and a half. I don't want to try again for the same thing to happen. But am I being too defeatist? I know of course only I can know my own situation, but I'm so scared of making all that effort when I know my own shitty brain might destroy everything again. Maybe this is the wrong section, and I should have posted on Recovery instead. But I have a plan, I'm just waiting for my payment stuff to be sorted to order SN…But should I give life another go? If I didn't have to worry about what my family would think, I would already be gone, but they've convinced me that I'm not giving myself a fair chance and I'm starting to wonder if they could be right. I could really start trying again, but what would be the point? For me, death is the ultimate freedom from struggling and a source of comfort to me. What is it they say… "Am I The Asshole?".

Dont give up yet it gets better your still so young

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really feel bad for you and this resonates a lot with me. I'm a lot older than you though. I'm 43. It's so hard to know what to advise because- sadly- none of us have a crystal ball. For me- I've done two lots of uni and yes- both helped in a way- at the time anyhow. They both gave me focus and something to strive towards. I also made some good friends during both courses. That said- I seriously considered quiting in the second year of the second course because I was struggling so much. Whether they helped me in the long run is more difficult to tell. But then- it's because they were both degrees in the Arts and I probably didn't appreciate just HOW difficult it is to sustain yourself financially.

In a way, I think we may come from similar families. My Dad cares deeply about me but I know he's sick of how negative I am. He doesn't even know how bad things are- he doesn't realise I'm suicidal but it's obvious he just get bored of the same old worried and negative conversations. It strikes me that your family are the same.

I suppose it isn't exactly their 'fault'. Many people struggle in life- they probably did too- and whether it got so bad for them, they considered suicide or not- they still made it through. So- I think they do have this expectation that we SHOULD too. Sometimes- worse- they may have hung on for us. I know my Dad did when my Mum died. I think ultimately- they just get frustrated because they actually do want to help- as parents but ultimately- they can't solve every problem. Sometimes I've actually found that telling my Dad that I'm not looking for a sollution from him helps- if I tell him that it helps me just to rant sometimes- it helps because he doesn't feel obliged to think up sollutions I suppose. Even then though- he clearly gets sick of talking about the same old worries. We usually just end up discussing the weather.

All that said though- ARE we really obliged to be successful for them? We didn't choose to be born. I don't know. I just end up with so many conflicting feelings. I do honestly resent it that I have this life and that I'm expected/obliged to make a success of it by all those around me. On the other hand though- I can't TRULY be angry at my parents either because I think they had me more out of naivity than mallice- I guess they thought I would be happy.

Ultimately, it has to be your choice. Life has the potential to go either way really. Still- if thing's aren't exactly terrible right now- maybe it's worth taking the opportunity to study for now and see how it goes. All of us likely do have time to make the decision to CTB later- may as well hang on until you know for sure it's what you want. I wish you well- whatever you decide and I feel bad for your situation. Still- at least know that you can rant here without receiving a lot of guilt inducing platitudes. Sometimes it's good to just get it all off your chest. Good luck- whatever you decide.