penitent0ne
New Member
- Feb 8, 2020
- 4
Hi. Within the past year a lot of lifelong problems sprouted up for me, adding to ones I already deal with. I've been actively suicidal on and off during this time, but I could manage with help from my support system and my partner, but towards the end of the year my support system shrunk considerably and my partner broke up with me, leaving me with almost no supports (two friends get sick of your shit very quickly!) and no housing. I've found somewhere to live now but I won't be able to afford it for much longer. It really is impressive how many things can start going wrong around the same time and make your life hell in as little as a month. Around new years I finally had enough and mustered up the willpower to commit to studying methods to ctb instead of wanting to but never doing anything about it while things get worse.
Not having to think about the distant future, only needing to worry about the next few weeks or months at most is so freeing, but I have been very reflective of the past and it makes me miss all the people in my life. I've been able to stay focused on my ctb goal, it feels good to figure all the details out, I'm really passionate about it and it finally feels like I have drive to work towards something. My SN came in earlier this week and so the only thing keeping me from taking it at any moment until my planned date is whatever I've eaten in the past few hours and a very bad day. But I've been thinking a lot about my ex during this time, and it just makes me feel so shitty. We still talk, we're alright friends and on good terms. I planned to tell them about how much I love them before I go, just to get it off my chest, but that leads to thoughts of us getting back together, which, unhealthy I know, might stop me from wanting to ctb, but is extremely unlikely to happen. I think "maybe if I stick around for a few more months they'll be more open to the idea", but if you're on this forum I'm sure you know how "maybe if i wait things will get better" usually ends up. The whole idea is unrealistic and based in fantasy, it seems comparable to infatuation. I can't waste all this momentum either!
Even though I know its all fake and in my head, I get tunnel vision fantasizing about fixing this unfixable relationship, and all the desperate thoughts of "maybe it'll work out if..." pile up, making me hopeful. The latest one even sabotages my ctb attempt, ruining my entire focus and plan, and is just horrible in general: that I want to get rescued halfway through my attempt just to they can see how easy it is to lose loved ones and then POSSIBLY reconsider us. Even typing that out disgusts me, I detest that kind of manipulative thinking. I was so close to being unhindered in this pursuit but just days before I carry it out I start having these nonsense second-thoughts.
Thanks for letting me have a place to type all this out. Does anyone else experience something similar and find it hard to make that last push? Any tips?
Not having to think about the distant future, only needing to worry about the next few weeks or months at most is so freeing, but I have been very reflective of the past and it makes me miss all the people in my life. I've been able to stay focused on my ctb goal, it feels good to figure all the details out, I'm really passionate about it and it finally feels like I have drive to work towards something. My SN came in earlier this week and so the only thing keeping me from taking it at any moment until my planned date is whatever I've eaten in the past few hours and a very bad day. But I've been thinking a lot about my ex during this time, and it just makes me feel so shitty. We still talk, we're alright friends and on good terms. I planned to tell them about how much I love them before I go, just to get it off my chest, but that leads to thoughts of us getting back together, which, unhealthy I know, might stop me from wanting to ctb, but is extremely unlikely to happen. I think "maybe if I stick around for a few more months they'll be more open to the idea", but if you're on this forum I'm sure you know how "maybe if i wait things will get better" usually ends up. The whole idea is unrealistic and based in fantasy, it seems comparable to infatuation. I can't waste all this momentum either!
Even though I know its all fake and in my head, I get tunnel vision fantasizing about fixing this unfixable relationship, and all the desperate thoughts of "maybe it'll work out if..." pile up, making me hopeful. The latest one even sabotages my ctb attempt, ruining my entire focus and plan, and is just horrible in general: that I want to get rescued halfway through my attempt just to they can see how easy it is to lose loved ones and then POSSIBLY reconsider us. Even typing that out disgusts me, I detest that kind of manipulative thinking. I was so close to being unhindered in this pursuit but just days before I carry it out I start having these nonsense second-thoughts.
Thanks for letting me have a place to type all this out. Does anyone else experience something similar and find it hard to make that last push? Any tips?
