Failure in Everything I Do to Get Better

[ferret-in-a-sock]

I don't even know where to begin. My thoughts are so disorganized. I really want to CTB when I get back to my home. I have to take a 14 hour bus ride now to go home.

So, to start with, I've been trying very hard to get better. My therapist kind of dropped me a year ago and shoved me into DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), and it didn't work for me. I failed it. They tell you over and over there's no failing it, but then what is it when your therapist recommends you switch out because it's not a good fit for you? You mean, just like CBT wasn't a good fit, now this one isn't? Is any therapy a good fit or am I just untreatable?

I tried to address my fears of driving and agoraphobia on my own through reading and books and asked my doctor for an SSRI and all at once it looked so much better. I made progress, I was going to accomplish my goals...

I crashed the car. It's gone. It's gone and it's my fault. I don't know where my attention lapsed. I don't remember what I did wrong. I know I have a concussion and it's possible my thinking is worse than usual. I denied evaluation, but i think the paramedic knew looking at me I took a hit to the head. I shined a light in my pupils at home from the edge and lovely, one didn't shrink at all. Great. Brain damage. The dull headache, nausea and sensitivity to light and noise aren't exacrly great signs either.

I wish it'd killed me outright. I remember driving for all of the last few days and feeling my hands grip the steering wheel and thinking with my anxiety "one wrong turn is all it takes to die." And lo and behold, I didn't. But the car did and my hopes did.

I don't think I meant to, but I think my fears of failure materialized and well...life is now worse.

Because I should have accepted I was a failure. Because clearly I wasn't going to get better. I wasn't meant to.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through, to me it's so horrible how existing can very easily just get much worse, it's such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But it's very much understandable wishing that the car crash killed you, I envy people who pass away in accidents. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Valky]

I see your pain. And I am so sorry for what has happened to you.

I had the same thing happen to me. I knew it was going to happen but I still wasn't prepared. I crashed my car in winter and it flipped. The airbag caught everything. I only had a slight concussion and some pain in my neck. I signed a waiver to avoid the hospital. For many weeks I blamed myself for it. I also wished it had killed me. I remember hanging upside down and taking off my seatbelt. I just laid on the roof of my car and closed my eyes while my thoughts were stuck in a carousel.

Ever heard of the self-fulfilling-prophecy? Maybe that can somehow help you work on your fears. You reached that high before and you can again and beyond it.

Accidents happen. Mistakes happen. We are only human. We are bound to do them.

I also went through processing the trauma after this and you know what I did? I kept driving again as soon as I could. To be fair, I had no other option but maybe that was exactly what I needed. I was scared for weeks. Every little slide made me freak out even if most of them were probably just my brain playing tricks on me. But it gets better. I am okay now. You will be too <3

 

[ferret-in-a-sock]

I see your pain. And I am so sorry for what has happened to you.

I had the same thing happen to me. I knew it was going to happen but I still wasn't prepared. I crashed my car in winter and it flipped. The airbag caught everything. I only had a slight concussion and some pain in my neck. I signed a waiver to avoid the hospital. For many weeks I blamed myself for it. I also wished it had killed me. I remember hanging upside down and taking off my seatbelt. I just laid on the roof of my car and closed my eyes while my thoughts were stuck in a carousel.

Ever heard of the self-fulfilling-prophecy? Maybe that can somehow help you work on your fears. You reached that high before and you can again and beyond it.

Accidents happen. Mistakes happen. We are only human. We are bound to do them.

I also went through processing the trauma after this and you know what I did? I kept driving again as soon as I could. To be fair, I had no other option but maybe that was exactly what I needed. I was scared for weeks. Every little slide made me freak out even if most of them were probably just my brain playing tricks on me. But it gets better. I am okay now. You will be too <3

thanks. I think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that got me in this mess.

I don't know how I'm going to afford a new car or what I'm going to do about paying off this one. So, I can't keep driving right away. I don't know how to fix this. I don't see a real way to fix it in time for the end of my lease and all that.

 

[Valky]

thanks. I think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that got me in this mess.

I don't know how I'm going to afford a new car or what I'm going to do about paying off this one. So, I can't keep driving right away. I don't know how to fix this. I don't see a real way to fix it in time for the end of my lease and all that.

I am sorry for your troubles but I am certain that you will find a way. Just remember to not be too hard on yourself :)

 

[RottenApple17]

Same here, I've tried so hard and have left my comfort zone to recover during years, but I'm just not made for life and its absurdity