dreamsofhome
Blessed are the Peacemakers
- Nov 11, 2024
- 17
I just wanted to do a little bitchin' cause I don't feel comfortable doing it anywhere else. It's hard to open up to people irl, which is why I suppose therapy (despite over a decade of trying) never worked out for me. But, I digress. Also, sorry for the formatting of my words or if they come off as weird, I'm not the most eloquent writer and my thoughts are always scrambled.
I grew up with a Dad who was severely chronically ill, suffered with chronic pain. Growing up, I didn't understand and was admittedly a bit resentful of the things he couldn't do and the fact that I lost my childhood to essentially being a nurse + therapist when there were capable adults that could have helped and chose not to. But, if given the chance I'd do it all over again for him. I understand now. I understand it all too well and I fucking hate it. One of my biggest fears was ending up in the same condition that he was and well.. here I am. My body is betraying/failing me a little more every day.
29 years old, have a laundry list of health problems and diagnoses, that I had to fight like hell to get in the first place because no health provider would take me seriously for years while my physical and mental health continued to deteriorate. I was "too young" to be in pain or it obviously had something to do with my period, or it was all because I'm overweight (even when I ended up rapidly losing a lot of weight, not even trying, I just felt so fucking bad all the time. I was met with congratulation not concern. Ha.) or was looked at like a drug seeker when I never asked for anything. Hell, I about overdosed myself on OTC pain relievers because that's all they'd tell me to take and I so desperately wanted the pain to end, or dull.
I don't even think that I take my pain seriously either. Because I know that there are people who have it a lot worse, people who have experienced pain beyond what I have, who are in a worse condition and I feel like I'm just being whiny about what I'm going through. I'm constantly gaslighting myself, or feeling like I don't have the right to complain when things could be worse.
I won't go into specifics but I'm in a lot of pain, constantly. Back, joints, muscles, gastrointestinal issues, worsening eyesight, migraines, teeth/jaw problems. Not to mention everything mentally, plus, god… never doubt physical pains ability to fuck with your mental health. It's started to take away the things I loved doing, the small things that helped to keep me going. One example, art has always been my biggest passion, like the one thing that I had. It hurts now, drawing hurts. My fingers/hand locks up, and I can't do it for long. Doesn't matter how many ergonomic devices I buy, it's just getting worse. Plus the fact that my eyesight is getting increasingly bad. How long until I just can't anymore? Or god forbid, can't do anything anymore?? My Dad was bedridden by the time he was in his mid-30's.
I may not have had much of a quality of life to begin with, but looking back to before things got this bad.. maybe I didn't have it quite as bad as I thought. Now it feels like dying would be a mercy at this point. I ain't ever getting better, but I don't want it to get any worse either.
Thanks for listening.
I grew up with a Dad who was severely chronically ill, suffered with chronic pain. Growing up, I didn't understand and was admittedly a bit resentful of the things he couldn't do and the fact that I lost my childhood to essentially being a nurse + therapist when there were capable adults that could have helped and chose not to. But, if given the chance I'd do it all over again for him. I understand now. I understand it all too well and I fucking hate it. One of my biggest fears was ending up in the same condition that he was and well.. here I am. My body is betraying/failing me a little more every day.
29 years old, have a laundry list of health problems and diagnoses, that I had to fight like hell to get in the first place because no health provider would take me seriously for years while my physical and mental health continued to deteriorate. I was "too young" to be in pain or it obviously had something to do with my period, or it was all because I'm overweight (even when I ended up rapidly losing a lot of weight, not even trying, I just felt so fucking bad all the time. I was met with congratulation not concern. Ha.) or was looked at like a drug seeker when I never asked for anything. Hell, I about overdosed myself on OTC pain relievers because that's all they'd tell me to take and I so desperately wanted the pain to end, or dull.
I don't even think that I take my pain seriously either. Because I know that there are people who have it a lot worse, people who have experienced pain beyond what I have, who are in a worse condition and I feel like I'm just being whiny about what I'm going through. I'm constantly gaslighting myself, or feeling like I don't have the right to complain when things could be worse.
I won't go into specifics but I'm in a lot of pain, constantly. Back, joints, muscles, gastrointestinal issues, worsening eyesight, migraines, teeth/jaw problems. Not to mention everything mentally, plus, god… never doubt physical pains ability to fuck with your mental health. It's started to take away the things I loved doing, the small things that helped to keep me going. One example, art has always been my biggest passion, like the one thing that I had. It hurts now, drawing hurts. My fingers/hand locks up, and I can't do it for long. Doesn't matter how many ergonomic devices I buy, it's just getting worse. Plus the fact that my eyesight is getting increasingly bad. How long until I just can't anymore? Or god forbid, can't do anything anymore?? My Dad was bedridden by the time he was in his mid-30's.
I may not have had much of a quality of life to begin with, but looking back to before things got this bad.. maybe I didn't have it quite as bad as I thought. Now it feels like dying would be a mercy at this point. I ain't ever getting better, but I don't want it to get any worse either.
Thanks for listening.
