Stick
Experienced
- Aug 31, 2020
- 269
Listen, this is probably a horrible idea but I want to put it out there anyways. I feel like if I were to try and die, I would end up calling the ambulance on myself or alerting someone. I want to die, I have for a long time, but it's sort of like wanting to diet. Sure, I want to eat less but my body will react on its own if I'm hungry enough. There's a kind of hunger for life that I don't know how to get rid of, even though there is no desire for life. Ctb is the biggest decision one can make, so I know that I will be emotional, and I know that my "life hunger" will likely take over.
Anyways, all of us are already familiar with survival instinct. No one wants to suffer failure--the medical bills, the damage, the emotional impact and so much more. So, it makes sense to think that if I cannot guarantee that my SI will not take over, then I shouldn't attempt to die.
If it were really as simple as that, however, I wouldn't make this thread. In all honesty, I don't know if I'll ever be at a point where SI isn't a factor. But I've been thinking. I have a huge bug phobia. I want to not be afraid of bugs and I want to be able to kill them and handle them without backing off. Jumping right into it and trying to kill a spider with my bare hands would only make it worse and I would probably run away. However, by starting small by looking at photos of bugs, then cleaning up dead bugs my family killed for me, and then finally moving on to living ones-- I can theoretically beat the phobia. I can overcome my fear.
In the same way, maybe I can train myself some how to overcome SI. I wonder if I will have the guts to make an attempt knowing I will definitely die. But, if I consider failure to be an option, then I can make the attempt, feel the reaction to the poison in my body, go to the hospital and "recover". In that way, I will have exposed myself to the process of dying, and therefore become less afraid of dying.
Of course, I wouldn't need to do this at all should I use a more permanent method such as a gun, but how am I supposed to overcome SI in that situation? I would be shaking, I would know that there is no possibility of life should I pull the trigger (failed attempts fuck you up so bad I don't consider it life), there is nothing to trick my SI and suppress it. I doubt I could pull the trigger. But, with poison, knowing that I have the potential to back out I may be able to keep my SI, my "life hunger" from taking over. Maybe I wouldn't even need a failed attempt to expose me, I could simply overcome it by that potential alone.
I don't want to fail, but one or two failures might be the step I need to take in order to succeed. I would rather suffer a little extra in the short term than wait 80 years so I can die naturally, never having found the courage I need.
This is only theoretical right now. I need to figure out how much a hospital trip would really be, as well as the financial capabilities of my family. My (Kinda) Grandfather has a lot of money, but I'm not sure how much. I don't know if it's "hospital visit" amount. Plus, I need to keep COVID in mind. I wouldn't want to risk contracting it at the hospital and bringing it back home.
If I have the money, could this be a semi-good idea?
TL;DR: In order to overcome survival instinct, I'm thinking I could use failed ctb attempts as exposure therapy so that I can reach a successful attempt. However, money and COVID make it a risky idea.
Anyways, all of us are already familiar with survival instinct. No one wants to suffer failure--the medical bills, the damage, the emotional impact and so much more. So, it makes sense to think that if I cannot guarantee that my SI will not take over, then I shouldn't attempt to die.
If it were really as simple as that, however, I wouldn't make this thread. In all honesty, I don't know if I'll ever be at a point where SI isn't a factor. But I've been thinking. I have a huge bug phobia. I want to not be afraid of bugs and I want to be able to kill them and handle them without backing off. Jumping right into it and trying to kill a spider with my bare hands would only make it worse and I would probably run away. However, by starting small by looking at photos of bugs, then cleaning up dead bugs my family killed for me, and then finally moving on to living ones-- I can theoretically beat the phobia. I can overcome my fear.
In the same way, maybe I can train myself some how to overcome SI. I wonder if I will have the guts to make an attempt knowing I will definitely die. But, if I consider failure to be an option, then I can make the attempt, feel the reaction to the poison in my body, go to the hospital and "recover". In that way, I will have exposed myself to the process of dying, and therefore become less afraid of dying.
Of course, I wouldn't need to do this at all should I use a more permanent method such as a gun, but how am I supposed to overcome SI in that situation? I would be shaking, I would know that there is no possibility of life should I pull the trigger (failed attempts fuck you up so bad I don't consider it life), there is nothing to trick my SI and suppress it. I doubt I could pull the trigger. But, with poison, knowing that I have the potential to back out I may be able to keep my SI, my "life hunger" from taking over. Maybe I wouldn't even need a failed attempt to expose me, I could simply overcome it by that potential alone.
I don't want to fail, but one or two failures might be the step I need to take in order to succeed. I would rather suffer a little extra in the short term than wait 80 years so I can die naturally, never having found the courage I need.
This is only theoretical right now. I need to figure out how much a hospital trip would really be, as well as the financial capabilities of my family. My (Kinda) Grandfather has a lot of money, but I'm not sure how much. I don't know if it's "hospital visit" amount. Plus, I need to keep COVID in mind. I wouldn't want to risk contracting it at the hospital and bringing it back home.
If I have the money, could this be a semi-good idea?
TL;DR: In order to overcome survival instinct, I'm thinking I could use failed ctb attempts as exposure therapy so that I can reach a successful attempt. However, money and COVID make it a risky idea.