Discussion Failing ctb as exposure therapy

[Stick]

Listen, this is probably a horrible idea but I want to put it out there anyways. I feel like if I were to try and die, I would end up calling the ambulance on myself or alerting someone. I want to die, I have for a long time, but it's sort of like wanting to diet. Sure, I want to eat less but my body will react on its own if I'm hungry enough. There's a kind of hunger for life that I don't know how to get rid of, even though there is no desire for life. Ctb is the biggest decision one can make, so I know that I will be emotional, and I know that my "life hunger" will likely take over.
Anyways, all of us are already familiar with survival instinct. No one wants to suffer failure--the medical bills, the damage, the emotional impact and so much more. So, it makes sense to think that if I cannot guarantee that my SI will not take over, then I shouldn't attempt to die.
If it were really as simple as that, however, I wouldn't make this thread. In all honesty, I don't know if I'll ever be at a point where SI isn't a factor. But I've been thinking. I have a huge bug phobia. I want to not be afraid of bugs and I want to be able to kill them and handle them without backing off. Jumping right into it and trying to kill a spider with my bare hands would only make it worse and I would probably run away. However, by starting small by looking at photos of bugs, then cleaning up dead bugs my family killed for me, and then finally moving on to living ones-- I can theoretically beat the phobia. I can overcome my fear.
In the same way, maybe I can train myself some how to overcome SI. I wonder if I will have the guts to make an attempt knowing I will definitely die. But, if I consider failure to be an option, then I can make the attempt, feel the reaction to the poison in my body, go to the hospital and "recover". In that way, I will have exposed myself to the process of dying, and therefore become less afraid of dying.
Of course, I wouldn't need to do this at all should I use a more permanent method such as a gun, but how am I supposed to overcome SI in that situation? I would be shaking, I would know that there is no possibility of life should I pull the trigger (failed attempts fuck you up so bad I don't consider it life), there is nothing to trick my SI and suppress it. I doubt I could pull the trigger. But, with poison, knowing that I have the potential to back out I may be able to keep my SI, my "life hunger" from taking over. Maybe I wouldn't even need a failed attempt to expose me, I could simply overcome it by that potential alone.
I don't want to fail, but one or two failures might be the step I need to take in order to succeed. I would rather suffer a little extra in the short term than wait 80 years so I can die naturally, never having found the courage I need.

This is only theoretical right now. I need to figure out how much a hospital trip would really be, as well as the financial capabilities of my family. My (Kinda) Grandfather has a lot of money, but I'm not sure how much. I don't know if it's "hospital visit" amount. Plus, I need to keep COVID in mind. I wouldn't want to risk contracting it at the hospital and bringing it back home.
If I have the money, could this be a semi-good idea?

TL;DR: In order to overcome survival instinct, I'm thinking I could use failed ctb attempts as exposure therapy so that I can reach a successful attempt. However, money and COVID make it a risky idea.

 

[Life_and_Death]

the whole idea itself is a good one, however im not so on board with the whole poison thing. you will most likely put in a psych ward. and even that aside you could actually die and then youre last moments most likely wont be peaceful at all because even though thats what you want its not what you planned for, not in that moment. and what if you do succeed at the plan and you do get saved depending on the poison you pick you could have brain damage or something. ive thought the same thing for different reasons, it just seems like way to much a risk.

 

[WornOutLife]

I feel the same way. I love the comparison about dying and being on a diet. So true! (Exactly what's happening to me)

 

[sadworld]

Yeah, it is a good idea but i think it's better to get yourself in a position where you can't possibly call for help if you cant overcome your SI, also i wouldn't want to go in a psych ward.

 

[JackieInTheBox]

It is very risky doing something like that, as anything could happen. Although, "Failing CTB as exposure therapy" is interesting, because I have been doing something similar without even realizing it. But it wasn't really CTB, it was more like putting myself in harmful situations which I never done before.

Spoiler: long story

At first it started of with ideas, such as jumping off a bridge (this had been going on for years). I never planned out my ideas, they were just floating around. One day in June, I decided I was going to stab myself. I barely did any research it was impulsive and stupid. For the first time, I had the guts to walk outside at 3:00 AM, which is something I have never done before. I walked around, trying to find a place to die. Once I saw the forest, I was scared. I backed out and went back inside my house. Weeks passed, and I was still thinking of stabbing myself. Again, I tried the same thing. I tried to find a forest. They still scared me because the grass was so tall I couldn't see anything, but this time I managed to go inside one. 10 minutes passed and I stood still. I pointed the knife in my chest and all I stabbed was air. It took a few tries until I finally hit my chest as best as I could. I hit two times. But I ended up realizing it was not going to work at all since I was basically poking myself with a knife and getting only drops of blood. But my chest hurt and it sucked to lie down. I went back home and got caught since I was desperate and I locked the door. I just told my mom I was going out for a walk, she wasn't angry she was just scared I was out so late. It was a stupid idea, it was comical honestly. Then my next method was drowning in the beach. Again, the first time, I was too scared to go further into the beach because of the sharks and crabs and because I felt guilty. The second time, I did it at midnight. I walked into the ocean without thinking any further. My emotions were stable, I wasn't feeling anything. I got as far as I could until only my head was poking out. I finally realized if I walked any further I was going to die since I can't swim. I stopped and I began to panic and stay still. My thoughts were everywhere, eventually I walked back. I got caught again. But I told my mom I just wanted to go for a swim. She fell for it at least. But I can't try that method again because I'll get caught. A week later or so, I planned to die from dehydration. I only lasted 24 hours the first time. The next time I lasted 48, and then the next time it was almost three days without food or water. I stopped because my family noticed I was loosing weight since I had been doing this for weeks. It was also painful since I was trying to throw up and I couldn't sleep because my throat was so dry. And because it was going to take a week or even longer. The next method, I did my best to research and carefully plan which is going to be SN. It will take weeks or months to get the needed supplies.

I guess it could be seen as exposure. Although you should think about it, as you can get caught or just plainly harmed. For me, I'm not so sure. I can't tell until my next method. My survival instinct could still kick in, but I'm still determined to try it.

 

[Stick]

It is very risky doing something like that, as anything could happen. Although, "Failing CTB as exposure therapy" is interesting, because I have been doing something similar without even realizing it. But it wasn't really CTB, it was more like putting myself in harmful situations which I never done before.

Spoiler: long story

At first it started of with ideas, such as jumping off a bridge (this had been going on for years). I never planned out my ideas, they were just floating around. One day in June, I decided I was going to stab myself. I barely did any research it was impulsive and stupid. For the first time, I had the guts to walk outside at 3:00 AM, which is something I have never done before. I walked around, trying to find a place to die. Once I saw the forest, I was scared. I backed out and went back inside my house. Weeks passed, and I was still thinking of stabbing myself. Again, I tried the same thing. I tried to find a forest. They still scared me because the grass was so tall I couldn't see anything, but this time I managed to go inside one. 10 minutes passed and I stood still. I pointed the knife in my chest and all I stabbed was air. It took a few tries until I finally hit my chest as best as I could. I hit two times. But I ended up realizing it was not going to work at all since I was basically poking myself with a knife and getting only drops of blood. But my chest hurt and it sucked to lie down. I went back home and got caught since I was desperate and I locked the door. I just told my mom I was going out for a walk, she wasn't angry she was just scared I was out so late. It was a stupid idea, it was comical honestly. Then my next method was drowning in the beach. Again, the first time, I was too scared to go further into the beach because of the sharks and crabs and because I felt guilty. The second time, I did it at midnight. I walked into the ocean without thinking any further. My emotions were stable, I wasn't feeling anything. I got as far as I could until only my head was poking out. I finally realized if I walked any further I was going to die since I can't swim. I stopped and I began to panic and stay still. My thoughts were everywhere, eventually I walked back. I got caught again. But I told my mom I just wanted to go for a swim. She fell for it at least. But I can't try that method again because I'll get caught. A week later or so, I planned to die from dehydration. I only lasted 24 hours the first time. The next time I lasted 48, and then the next time it was almost three days without food or water. I stopped because my family noticed I was loosing weight since I had been doing this for weeks. It was also painful since I was trying to throw up and I couldn't sleep because my throat was so dry. And because it was going to take a week or even longer. The next method, I did my best to research and carefully plan which is going to be SN. It will take weeks or months to get the needed supplies.

I guess it could be seen as exposure. Although you should think about it, as you can get caught or just plainly harmed. For me, I'm not so sure. I can't tell until my next method. My survival instinct could still kick in, but I'm still determined to try it.

That's so interesting, it seems like that's exactly what you were doing even though you didn't realize it.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I want to die, I have for a long time, but it's sort of like wanting to diet. Sure, I want to eat less but my body will react on its own if I'm hungry enough.

This is a really good analogy.

In that way, I will have exposed myself to the process of dying, and therefore become less afraid of dying.

Yes, but it's a very traumatizing process (I don't know if you've ever attempted before).

I had a similar idea, I called it ctb randomly or by surprise. Like try enough times with low expectations and then once it might actually work. But it's just really destroying the body...

About SI, many people use benzos, alcohol etc.

 

[Stick]

This is a really good analogy.


Yes, but it's a very traumatizing process (I don't know if you've ever attempted before).

I had a similar idea, I called it ctb randomly or by surprise. Like try enough times with low expectations and then once it might actually work. But it's just really destroying the body...

About SI, many people use benzos, alcohol etc.

No, I've never attempted before. I've never tried because I've never felt entirely certain that SI wouldn't take over. The general consensus I'm getting is that it's a good idea, but not worth the consequences of psych wards and such. I don't know what else to do though to be honest.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

No, I've never attempted before. I've never tried because I've never felt entirely certain that SI wouldn't take over. The general consensus I'm getting is that it's a good idea, but not worth the consequences of psych wards and such. I don't know what else to do though to be honest.

Have you tried recovery or that's off the table?

 

[Stick]

Have you tried recovery or that's off the table?

Yeah, I'm still going to therapy and trying my best. I'm trying to make progress in living and in dying, but based on conversations with my therapist a lot of my main issues aren't really going to go away. I can get "better" but not better. Thanks for asking, I'm just trying to do my best like everyone else, you know?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Yeah, I'm still going to therapy and trying my best. I'm trying to make progress in living and in dying, but based on conversations with my therapist a lot of my main issues aren't really going to go away. I can get "better" but not better. Thanks for asking, I'm just trying to do my best like everyone else, you know?

Yeah you can manage it but not cure it, I understand. It's interesting that you said you are trying to make progress in living and dying. I think this ambivalence could maybe take away from making a decision either way. The beauty about knowing you can ctb is that you stop caring about certain things IRL, and realize what's more important for you.