Failed partial hanging twice due to survival instinct and feel of failure and i feel terrible

[protecttransyouth]

My week has been a mess. It started with an attempt that failed and I backed out right as I was about to black out. Later I tried going to the psycheward because you know what? Fuck it might as well try. They told me my suicidal ideation was too constant for a psyche ward stay to fix it, even though I told them I was gonna try again. I keep trying residential places for help and they all tell me they can't treat me because I self harm too much or because of my bulimia. When I try talking to my outpatient therapists or people in group they all give me the same bullshit about how I'm being selfish, or it'll get better, and don't even seem like they are listening to my complaints. I tried gathering pills to try and overdose but then abused them and now I'm feel like a failure junkie (I have nothing against addicts and am one this is just how I feel about myself) who can't even plan an attempt right because I just abuse the drugs. I tried hanging myself again tonight and the same fear took over. I keep trying to hype myself up to try again but I think I need to be drunk to try again. The issue is I live in a sober house and if I get caught drinking I will be homeless. I need to do it before my room mate gets back from treatment though so I have privacy. I just feel so hopeless about life and now I'm hopeless about dying too. I feel like a failure and it fucking sucks.

 

[Unwr!tten]

Oh man, that sounds absolutely horrific! I'm so sorry. :( You deserve so much better than what everyone is giving you. I hope and pray whatever route you choose to go, it leads you to joy and happiness.

 

[Holu]

I'm very very sorry. So close to peace yet unable to reach it is horrific. Take a breather, think a bit(yes even if it pains you to do so). If you need someone to talk to I'm here and this community is here. Know that we the wicked will always be by ur side.

 

[protecttransyouth]

I'm very very sorry. So close to peace yet unable to reach it is horrific. Take a breather, think a bit(yes even if it pains you to do so). If you need someone to talk to I'm here and this community is here. Know that we the wicked will always be by ur side.

Can I pm you to talk?

 

[Holu]

Can I pm you to talk?

Yes absolutely!

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like an awful situation to be in, I personally fear a suicide attempt failing, it's what sounds so horrible to me and I hate how difficult it is to die. All those who wish to be gone should just be able to pass away in peace but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Roses_and_clouds]

My week has been a mess. It started with an attempt that failed and I backed out right as I was about to black out. Later I tried going to the psycheward because you know what? Fuck it might as well try. They told me my suicidal ideation was too constant for a psyche ward stay to fix it, even though I told them I was gonna try again. I keep trying residential places for help and they all tell me they can't treat me because I self harm too much or because of my bulimia. When I try talking to my outpatient therapists or people in group they all give me the same bullshit about how I'm being selfish, or it'll get better, and don't even seem like they are listening to my complaints. I tried gathering pills to try and overdose but then abused them and now I'm feel like a failure junkie (I have nothing against addicts and am one this is just how I feel about myself) who can't even plan an attempt right because I just abuse the drugs. I tried hanging myself again tonight and the same fear took over. I keep trying to hype myself up to try again but I think I need to be drunk to try again. The issue is I live in a sober house and if I get caught drinking I will be homeless. I need to do it before my room mate gets back from treatment though so I have privacy. I just feel so hopeless about life and now I'm hopeless about dying too. I feel like a failure and it fucking sucks.

You're not a failure. You're absolutely not. In fact, the fact that you wanted to survive is a sign of great strength. So never feel like you're a failure.


About survival instinct, i know it's hard to endure the horrible parts of life, but if you have survival instinct, it means you still want to be happy, which is hard, but still. Don't worry.

I have many points in life that I want to CTB, in fact, in these weeks, almost everyday I feel like, I'm not worth it anymore. But i too have hope that it will get better, and i want to work for it. You can try with me. If you have any troubles in your mind, just write them, don't bottle it up.

I wish you happiness in your life.