Alexei_Kirillov
Running very late for my appointment with Death
- Mar 9, 2024
- 268
(Skip to the last three paragraphs if this post is too long).
So I (23F) started planning my CTB in about December, with March 30 as the date. As the end of February approached, I moved the date up to March 9 because I was ready and didn't think I could tolerate living another thirty days. The method I was planning on using was to jump off a relatively short bridge into the river (6m deep) with a very heavy backpack (~30lbs or 15kg), secured to me in such a way that even when panicking I wouldn't be able to get it off. The day came and, standing on the bridge, I chickened out, mostly because I hadn't tested climbing over the ledge beforehand, and turns out it would've required some gymnastics for someone of my size to accomplish, and I didn't want to risk accidentally falling (I wanted to fall in a specific orientation and on my own terms).
I went home in defeat, utterly despondent and disappointed, and immediately began searching for another method that I could get ready in one or two days. I landed on the cold shock response method, wherein you suddenly submerge yourself in very cold water, start hyperventilating, and then aspirate water and die. I live in Canada so at this time of year the water's around 0-2 degrees C, so it was doable on short notice. I went back to the river and plunged myself in wearing very little clothing and a weighted backpack just to make sure my head would stay underwater, but I never got the cold shock response and then SI kicked in, leading to me desperately scrambling out of the water before the current could sweep me away even further down shore. I thought about just waiting for hypothermia but it was only -2 C outside and I didn't know how long it would take or whether I would even be brave enough to wait that long, and I didn't really want to test that out and potentially get more severe injuries in the process (ex. frostbite), so I ended up calling 911. It took me about 2 hours to stop shivering but after that I was practically fine, just had some scrapes and bruises on my legs from the struggle. The hospital didn't let me leave of course, and insteadlocked me up in prison sent me to a psych ward. Eventually I was allowed to leave, after lying for a few days about whether I had a new plan or not and whether I still wanted to die.
So now I'm considering other methods, like the shallow water blackout method or maybe cyanide poisoning with cassava root, although the latter seems difficult because it has to be the bitter variety and I can't seem to find that in stores. If I'm unable to find bitter cassava or make myself hyperventilate then I might just go back to my original method and get a box or something so that I can climb over the ledge properly. I know it'll be a horrible experience but my chances of death with that method are >90% so it won't really matter.
Btw if anyone has any suggestions that aren't hanging or jumping or SN/N, I'm open (I have reasons for rejecting all these methods but for brevity's sake I won't elaborate).
Anyway the main reason why I made this post wasn't to describe any of that, it was just to vent about how I feel completely unable to return to life after my attempt. Sometimes I remember that I'm still alive and a wave of crushing disappointment comes over me. Basic actions are so painful because I thought I'd never have to do any of it again and yet here I am, eating and drinking and doing dishes and sweeping and going for walks and all these things that the living do. I'm a dead man walking, someone who was supposed to be dead twice now, and I can't stand it (living, that is). After my initial aborted attempt I couldn't even listen to music, which has long been one of the last remaining comforts, because it felt like it was too far within the "realm of life," whereas I was still within the realm of death. When I made my real attempt just over a day later, there were no last thoughts or anything, I just went through the motions of the procedure rapidly and without emotion, just with the knowledge that I had to die.
On that note, sometimes it feels like I'm in a void and can't even think. I used to think constantly about all my reasons for CTB'ing, all the arguments in favour and how I would counter the few good arguments against, the philosophy of the right to die movement, mantras about how "peace is coming" and "nonexistence can't harm me", etc. In short, even though I badly wanted to die, my mind was still somewhat active. Now there's just nothing. The few times I am able to think, all I can think about is death, methods for achieving said death, and how much I resent our society for making suicide this difficult. I can't focus on anything else, no podcasts, no books, no news, no YouTube videos, nothing. I don't even want to sleep because I know I'll just have to wake up again and I'm so tired of doing that.
What have been your guys' experiences of failing attempts? Did something similar happen to you? Any support is also appreciated. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
EDIT: Wording.
So I (23F) started planning my CTB in about December, with March 30 as the date. As the end of February approached, I moved the date up to March 9 because I was ready and didn't think I could tolerate living another thirty days. The method I was planning on using was to jump off a relatively short bridge into the river (6m deep) with a very heavy backpack (~30lbs or 15kg), secured to me in such a way that even when panicking I wouldn't be able to get it off. The day came and, standing on the bridge, I chickened out, mostly because I hadn't tested climbing over the ledge beforehand, and turns out it would've required some gymnastics for someone of my size to accomplish, and I didn't want to risk accidentally falling (I wanted to fall in a specific orientation and on my own terms).
I went home in defeat, utterly despondent and disappointed, and immediately began searching for another method that I could get ready in one or two days. I landed on the cold shock response method, wherein you suddenly submerge yourself in very cold water, start hyperventilating, and then aspirate water and die. I live in Canada so at this time of year the water's around 0-2 degrees C, so it was doable on short notice. I went back to the river and plunged myself in wearing very little clothing and a weighted backpack just to make sure my head would stay underwater, but I never got the cold shock response and then SI kicked in, leading to me desperately scrambling out of the water before the current could sweep me away even further down shore. I thought about just waiting for hypothermia but it was only -2 C outside and I didn't know how long it would take or whether I would even be brave enough to wait that long, and I didn't really want to test that out and potentially get more severe injuries in the process (ex. frostbite), so I ended up calling 911. It took me about 2 hours to stop shivering but after that I was practically fine, just had some scrapes and bruises on my legs from the struggle. The hospital didn't let me leave of course, and instead
So now I'm considering other methods, like the shallow water blackout method or maybe cyanide poisoning with cassava root, although the latter seems difficult because it has to be the bitter variety and I can't seem to find that in stores. If I'm unable to find bitter cassava or make myself hyperventilate then I might just go back to my original method and get a box or something so that I can climb over the ledge properly. I know it'll be a horrible experience but my chances of death with that method are >90% so it won't really matter.
Btw if anyone has any suggestions that aren't hanging or jumping or SN/N, I'm open (I have reasons for rejecting all these methods but for brevity's sake I won't elaborate).
Anyway the main reason why I made this post wasn't to describe any of that, it was just to vent about how I feel completely unable to return to life after my attempt. Sometimes I remember that I'm still alive and a wave of crushing disappointment comes over me. Basic actions are so painful because I thought I'd never have to do any of it again and yet here I am, eating and drinking and doing dishes and sweeping and going for walks and all these things that the living do. I'm a dead man walking, someone who was supposed to be dead twice now, and I can't stand it (living, that is). After my initial aborted attempt I couldn't even listen to music, which has long been one of the last remaining comforts, because it felt like it was too far within the "realm of life," whereas I was still within the realm of death. When I made my real attempt just over a day later, there were no last thoughts or anything, I just went through the motions of the procedure rapidly and without emotion, just with the knowledge that I had to die.
On that note, sometimes it feels like I'm in a void and can't even think. I used to think constantly about all my reasons for CTB'ing, all the arguments in favour and how I would counter the few good arguments against, the philosophy of the right to die movement, mantras about how "peace is coming" and "nonexistence can't harm me", etc. In short, even though I badly wanted to die, my mind was still somewhat active. Now there's just nothing. The few times I am able to think, all I can think about is death, methods for achieving said death, and how much I resent our society for making suicide this difficult. I can't focus on anything else, no podcasts, no books, no news, no YouTube videos, nothing. I don't even want to sleep because I know I'll just have to wake up again and I'm so tired of doing that.
What have been your guys' experiences of failing attempts? Did something similar happen to you? Any support is also appreciated. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
EDIT: Wording.
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