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Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Missed my appointment with Death
Mar 9, 2024
681
(Skip to the last three paragraphs if this post is too long).

So I (23F) started planning my CTB in about December, with March 30 as the date. As the end of February approached, I moved the date up to March 9 because I was ready and didn't think I could tolerate living another thirty days. The method I was planning on using was to jump off a relatively short bridge into the river (6m deep) with a very heavy backpack (~30lbs or 15kg), secured to me in such a way that even when panicking I wouldn't be able to get it off. The day came and, standing on the bridge, I chickened out, mostly because I hadn't tested climbing over the ledge beforehand, and turns out it would've required some gymnastics for someone of my size to accomplish, and I didn't want to risk accidentally falling (I wanted to fall in a specific orientation and on my own terms).

I went home in defeat, utterly despondent and disappointed, and immediately began searching for another method that I could get ready in one or two days. I landed on the cold shock response method, wherein you suddenly submerge yourself in very cold water, start hyperventilating, and then aspirate water and die. I live in Canada so at this time of year the water's around 0-2 degrees C, so it was doable on short notice. I went back to the river and plunged myself in wearing very little clothing and a weighted backpack just to make sure my head would stay underwater, but I never got the cold shock response and then SI kicked in, leading to me desperately scrambling out of the water before the current could sweep me away even further down shore. I thought about just waiting for hypothermia but it was only -2 C outside and I didn't know how long it would take or whether I would even be brave enough to wait that long, and I didn't really want to test that out and potentially get more severe injuries in the process (ex. frostbite), so I ended up calling 911. It took me about 2 hours to stop shivering but after that I was practically fine, just had some scrapes and bruises on my legs from the struggle. The hospital didn't let me leave of course, and instead locked me up in prison sent me to a psych ward. Eventually I was allowed to leave, after lying for a few days about whether I had a new plan or not and whether I still wanted to die.

So now I'm considering other methods, like the shallow water blackout method or maybe cyanide poisoning with cassava root, although the latter seems difficult because it has to be the bitter variety and I can't seem to find that in stores. If I'm unable to find bitter cassava or make myself hyperventilate then I might just go back to my original method and get a box or something so that I can climb over the ledge properly. I know it'll be a horrible experience but my chances of death with that method are >90% so it won't really matter.

Btw if anyone has any suggestions that aren't hanging or jumping or SN/N, I'm open (I have reasons for rejecting all these methods but for brevity's sake I won't elaborate).

Anyway the main reason why I made this post wasn't to describe any of that, it was just to vent about how I feel completely unable to return to life after my attempt. Sometimes I remember that I'm still alive and a wave of crushing disappointment comes over me. Basic actions are so painful because I thought I'd never have to do any of it again and yet here I am, eating and drinking and doing dishes and sweeping and going for walks and all these things that the living do. I'm a dead man walking, someone who was supposed to be dead twice now, and I can't stand it (living, that is). After my initial aborted attempt I couldn't even listen to music, which has long been one of the last remaining comforts, because it felt like it was too far within the "realm of life," whereas I was still within the realm of death. When I made my real attempt just over a day later, there were no last thoughts or anything, I just went through the motions of the procedure rapidly and without emotion, just with the knowledge that I had to die.

On that note, sometimes it feels like I'm in a void and can't even think. I used to think constantly about all my reasons for CTB'ing, all the arguments in favour and how I would counter the few good arguments against, the philosophy of the right to die movement, mantras about how "peace is coming" and "nonexistence can't harm me", etc. In short, even though I badly wanted to die, my mind was still somewhat active. Now there's just nothing. The few times I am able to think, all I can think about is death, methods for achieving said death, and how much I resent our society for making suicide this difficult. I can't focus on anything else, no podcasts, no books, no news, no YouTube videos, nothing. I don't even want to sleep because I know I'll just have to wake up again and I'm so tired of doing that.

What have been your guys' experiences of failing attempts? Did something similar happen to you? Any support is also appreciated. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

EDIT: Wording.
 
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OmoriFan

OmoriFan

Memento Mori
Nov 12, 2023
17
As far as I know shallow water blackout method is pretty easy and isnt that painful so if anything I would choose it as a way to go. (plus it can pass off as an accident if you care about that) However i have yet to attempt so I dont have enough experience to answer the question you asked. Sorry if this reply isnt satisfationary or if there are any mistakes.
 
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theboy

theboy

Visionary
Jul 15, 2022
2,999
I have had 3 unsuccessful attempts and I remember that on the first attempt I felt ashamed that I couldn't make it. The others I had to have courage to overcome the YES but each attempt makes you feel different I guess. They are experiences that mark you
 
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Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Missed my appointment with Death
Mar 9, 2024
681
As far as I know shallow water blackout method is pretty easy and isnt that painful so if anything I would choose it as a way to go. (plus it can pass off as an accident if you care about that) However i have yet to attempt so I dont have enough experience to answer the question you asked. Sorry if this reply isnt satisfationary or if there are any mistakes.
I've abandoned shallow water blackout honestly, mostly just due to unreliability. It doesn't seem like anyone has succeeded in doing this on purpose.
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
2,003
You shouldn't feel bad about failing. I've failed multiple times, so I understand the shame that comes with having failed to ctb. I think most people usually fail a few times before eventually succeeding.
 
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Y

Young.Werther

Student
Apr 11, 2023
128
You made it a lot farther than I ever did. Did MAID get fully scrapped? If that's an option honestly that sounds pretty nice (although maybe you don't want to wait that long). Otherwise idk.
 
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Ash

Ash

Enlightened
Oct 4, 2021
1,494
Picking up the threads of your life after you've deliberately dropped them is, IME, extremely difficult. You are not alone: so many of us can attest to that.
 
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U

UKscotty

Doesn't read PMs
May 20, 2021
2,451
Never feel bad for failing. If you even made an attempt, you got further than most people.

Use it as an opportunity to learn, be gentle on yourself and remember there is always tomorrow.
 
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R

rozeske

Maybe I am the problem
Dec 2, 2023
3,253
A lot of us here have a few failed attempts under our sleeves. Take it easy on yourself as it's not a simple and straight forward thing. All the best to you.
 
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Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Missed my appointment with Death
Mar 9, 2024
681
You made it a lot farther than I ever did. Did MAID get fully scrapped? If that's an option honestly that sounds pretty nice (although maybe you don't want to wait that long). Otherwise idk.
MAID for mental illness got postponed to 2027 but even if it hadn't I don't think someone like me (young, healthy, educated, stable job, stable finances, haven't tried all treatments) would ever qualify. I don't know exactly what the criteria will be but I'm guessing it will only be for those in the most extreme circumstances (at first, at least).
 
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S

Socrates Respecter

Member
Apr 23, 2023
50
I've abandoned shallow water blackout honestly, mostly just due to unreliability. It doesn't seem like anyone has succeeded in doing this on purpose.
This sucks. And here I thought I found something good. Seems to me like there are just no simple solutions that work 100%. Most methods are either unreliable or too scary. also. read Dostoevsky much?
 
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B

bipbapbop

Experienced
Mar 7, 2024
276
MAID for mental illness got postponed to 2027 but even if it hadn't I don't think someone like me (young, healthy, educated, stable job, stable finances, haven't tried all treatments) would ever qualify. I don't know exactly what the criteria will be but I'm guessing it will only be for those in the most extreme circumstances (at first, at least).
I've looked into the criteria and they're not clear, probably to avoid having people like us prepare for the assessments. We would have to talk to two separate mental health professionals who would both have to sign off on the procedure. I am also young, educated, and healthy and haven't tried all treatments because I refuse to treat my body and brain like a guinea pig for meds like I was forced to in my childhood and adolescence so I am concerned that they will not be open to approving someone like me.
 
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jellie

jellie

Member
May 9, 2023
97
I had a failed attempts at partial suspension when i was around 14. i didn't want to be admitted to a psych ward so i hid the fact that i ever attempted to my parents. this was an awful period in my life and i can relate to the feeling of utter failure that comes with an unsuccessful attempt. i want you to know that this does not define you and does not say anything about your character as a person. your struggles are just as valid as people who have been successful in the past. I can relate to the feeling of complete "ugh" when it comes to doing anything after an attempt. especially chores.
 
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Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Missed my appointment with Death
Mar 9, 2024
681
This sucks. And here I thought I found something good. Seems to me like there are just no simple solutions that work 100%. Most methods are either unreliable or too scary.
Yeah it was almost too good to be true. Looking at the graph on Wikipedia it seems like the issue is that you have to both depress your CO2 levels to a fairly significant extent and be able to hold your breath long enough for your O2 levels to drop and cause a blackout before your CO2 is restored and gives you the urge to breathe. Which I think is why the documented cases of this happening have largely been in professional divers/breath holders. When I try it, I can definitely get myself to feel dizzy and lightheaded, and I can suppress my CO2 enough to enable me to hold my breath for longer than I otherwise would've, but before blacking out I start to get the urge to breathe again. Maybe someone could manage it but I can't find any evidence of it working specifically as a suicide method.

Anyway yeah, there really are no simple solutions here. For me the obstacle I bump into most often is that I can't access the method to begin with.

also. read Dostoevsky much?
Indeed! Alexei Kirillov, from Demons, is my favourite character from his novels. He chose to kill himself out of philosophy alone, it's admirable.
I've looked into the criteria and they're not clear, probably to avoid having people like us prepare for the assessments. We would have to talk to two separate mental health professionals who would both have to sign off on the procedure. I am also young, educated, and healthy and haven't tried all treatments because I refuse to treat my body and brain like a guinea pig for meds like I was forced to in my childhood and adolescence so I am concerned that they will not be open to approving someone like me.
This is where I'm at too, like the process of trying to find the right combination of meds/therapy/whatever is arduous and long. Getting prescribed one med on a certain dose, then having to wait a few weeks to see if it works, then having to change the dose if it doesn't, then having to wait more time to see if that works, then having to withdraw off of it (with all the side effects that come with that) if it doesn't, then having to repeat the process all over again with another medication. Why would I go through this process that at best makes my life more bearable when I have the option of peaceful nonexistence?
 
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B

bipbapbop

Experienced
Mar 7, 2024
276
This is where I'm at too, like the process of trying to find the right combination of meds/therapy/whatever is arduous and long. Getting prescribed one med on a certain dose, then having to wait a few weeks to see if it works, then having to change the dose if it doesn't, then having to wait more time to see if that works, then having to withdraw off of it (with all the side effects that come with that) if it doesn't, then having to repeat the process all over again with another medication. Why would I go through this process that at best makes my life more bearable when I have the option of peaceful nonexistence?
Not only can medication not work, sometimes it makes shit worse! Then what's the fuckin point??? Yeah, even my therapist admitted that there's no way around that ridiculous process of trial and error with no guarantee of a good outcome. Luckily he understands my aversion and hasn't pushed me to medicate at all.
 
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Y

Young.Werther

Student
Apr 11, 2023
128
MAID for mental illness got postponed to 2027 but even if it hadn't I don't think someone like me (young, healthy, educated, stable job, stable finances, haven't tried all treatments) would ever qualify. I don't know exactly what the criteria will be but I'm guessing it will only be for those in the most extreme circumstances (at first, at least).
Yeah you're probably right, that sucks. I've thought about night-night, but not entirely sure how it works. From what I did see, it seems relatively easy to get supplies for, not sure how easy it is to actually do. The other thing that comes to mind is firearm. I don't really know much about it though. Are they easy to get in Canada? I imagine that you probably need them in some rural areas of Canada. If you're close to the US border is it possible to get it there? I don't really know how it works.
 
M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
(Skip to the last three paragraphs if this post is too long).

So I (23F) started planning my CTB in about December, with March 30 as the date. As the end of February approached, I moved the date up to March 9 because I was ready and didn't think I could tolerate living another thirty days. The method I was planning on using was to jump off a relatively short bridge into the river (6m deep) with a very heavy backpack (~30lbs or 15kg), secured to me in such a way that even when panicking I wouldn't be able to get it off. The day came and, standing on the bridge, I chickened out, mostly because I hadn't tested climbing over the ledge beforehand, and turns out it would've required some gymnastics for someone of my size to accomplish, and I didn't want to risk accidentally falling (I wanted to fall in a specific orientation and on my own terms).

I went home in defeat, utterly despondent and disappointed, and immediately began searching for another method that I could get ready in one or two days. I landed on the cold shock response method, wherein you suddenly submerge yourself in very cold water, start hyperventilating, and then aspirate water and die. I live in Canada so at this time of year the water's around 0-2 degrees C, so it was doable on short notice. I went back to the river and plunged myself in wearing very little clothing and a weighted backpack just to make sure my head would stay underwater, but I never got the cold shock response and then SI kicked in, leading to me desperately scrambling out of the water before the current could sweep me away even further down shore. I thought about just waiting for hypothermia but it was only -2 C outside and I didn't know how long it would take or whether I would even be brave enough to wait that long, and I didn't really want to test that out and potentially get more severe injuries in the process (ex. frostbite), so I ended up calling 911. It took me about 2 hours to stop shivering but after that I was practically fine, just had some scrapes and bruises on my legs from the struggle. The hospital didn't let me leave of course, and instead locked me up in prison sent me to a psych ward. Eventually I was allowed to leave, after lying for a few days about whether I had a new plan or not and whether I still wanted to die.

So now I'm considering other methods, like the shallow water blackout method or maybe cyanide poisoning with cassava root, although the latter seems difficult because it has to be the bitter variety and I can't seem to find that in stores. If I'm unable to find bitter cassava or make myself hyperventilate then I might just go back to my original method and get a box or something so that I can climb over the ledge properly. I know it'll be a horrible experience but my chances of death with that method are >90% so it won't really matter.

Btw if anyone has any suggestions that aren't hanging or jumping or SN/N, I'm open (I have reasons for rejecting all these methods but for brevity's sake I won't elaborate).

Anyway the main reason why I made this post wasn't to describe any of that, it was just to vent about how I feel completely unable to return to life after my attempt. Sometimes I remember that I'm still alive and a wave of crushing disappointment comes over me. Basic actions are so painful because I thought I'd never have to do any of it again and yet here I am, eating and drinking and doing dishes and sweeping and going for walks and all these things that the living do. I'm a dead man walking, someone who was supposed to be dead twice now, and I can't stand it (living, that is). After my initial aborted attempt I couldn't even listen to music, which has long been one of the last remaining comforts, because it felt like it was too far within the "realm of life," whereas I was still within the realm of death. When I made my real attempt just over a day later, there were no last thoughts or anything, I just went through the motions of the procedure rapidly and without emotion, just with the knowledge that I had to die.

On that note, sometimes it feels like I'm in a void and can't even think. I used to think constantly about all my reasons for CTB'ing, all the arguments in favour and how I would counter the few good arguments against, the philosophy of the right to die movement, mantras about how "peace is coming" and "nonexistence can't harm me", etc. In short, even though I badly wanted to die, my mind was still somewhat active. Now there's just nothing. The few times I am able to think, all I can think about is death, methods for achieving said death, and how much I resent our society for making suicide this difficult. I can't focus on anything else, no podcasts, no books, no news, no YouTube videos, nothing. I don't even want to sleep because I know I'll just have to wake up again and I'm so tired of doing that.

What have been your guys' experiences of failing attempts? Did something similar happen to you? Any support is also appreciated. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

EDIT: Wording.
This is so well described.
Especially when you mentioned I didn't think I would be doing all the things the living do.
I've failed 5 times.
My last time I really thought would be the one.
When I couldn't continue and after lying my way out of the psych ward...I cry atleast 3 to 4 times a day.
I cried this morning over a bowl of raisin bran.
You were brave and you tried.
So I know it's easier said than done but try not to overthink it.
 
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Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Missed my appointment with Death
Mar 9, 2024
681
This is so well described.
Especially when you mentioned I didn't think I would be doing all the things the living do.
I've failed 5 times.
My last time I really thought would be the one.
When I couldn't continue and after lying my way out of the psych ward...I cry atleast 3 to 4 times a day.
I cried this morning over a bowl of raisin bran.
You were brave and you tried.
So I know it's easier said than done but try not to overthink it.
I'm sorry you've also experienced this. I know the feeling of crying multiple times a day every day. I wish you peace, whatever that looks like for you <3
 
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heyitstaylorig

heyitstaylorig

Taylorr <3
May 12, 2024
3
I'm really sorry about your failed attempt. Everyone deserves peace no matter how you get it. I'm not really sure about methods. Most of the methods scare me, so I always try and overdose. But I usually end up extremely sick and in a hospital. But the shallow water method seems reliable I've been reading up on it alot. I've never tried it personally tho. If i find some more forums on it I'll send them to you <3
 

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