Venting Failed attempt regret

[Pangs93]

I so badly wish it had worked 8 years ago. When I had no real reason to live so the decision was so easy and I didn't feel any sort of survival instincts kick in, only peace and euphoria. I didn't feel fear or doubt or even guilt. I felt so good about my decision. It felt right. It was right.

I regret my survival so much. If I had stuck to my original planned date, I wouldn't be here. Unfortunately a few days prior someone I thought was a friend antagonised me into attempting ahead of schedule. It was that decision that led to my survival. If I were a better person perhaps I'd feel grateful for that but I don't. You hear so often of people surviving attempts who immediately regretted their decision. I wish that were me. I wish I found a new love for life. I wish I could feel happy I survived but I can't. This world is disgusting. Its only getting worse. My own life has also been almost nothing but misery, before and after the attempt.

Now attempting feels much harder. There's always something holding me back. Guilt and responsibility, mostly. Also after my last attempt I developed an intense fear of what comes after. I don't even believe in any sort of afterlife and yet I'm so scared something worse is waiting for me. What if I escape this hell just to end up worse off. That paranoid fear wasn't something I'd ever felt before my NDE. Something changed inside me that day.

I just wish I would've died that day or better yet had never been born. This is a living hell and I feel trapped here now.

Part of me is convinced I did die that day and this is hell. This is the something worse I am scared of. The world has gotten worse, my life has gotten worse but the thing that makes me feel this is hell the most is being unable to make myself even try to CTB anymore. Before that attempt I had attempted many times before. Now I haven't attempted at all in 8 entire years despite feeling significantly worse than I did before that attempt. I think I really am in hell. I can't die, I must be in hell.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I feel you, mate. The world is a horrible place, and I'm incredibly sorry that you were convinced to try before your date. Is it worth looking for the good in the world? Not really. What I'd say, if you're of legal age, buy a gun. They're fairly reliable, and this thread will tell you where to shoot if you're using a handgun. As for getting over the fear of what comes after... I don't think I can help with that. Turn to Seneca or Marcus Aurelius or something, anything on peace. Wish you love and peace, mate. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/bullet-trajectory-brains-and-you-a-physics-problem.222389/

 

[Pangs93]

G

I feel you, mate. The world is a horrible place, and I'm incredibly sorry that you were convinced to try before your date. Is it worth looking for the good in the world? Not really. What I'd say, if you're of legal age, buy a gun. They're fairly reliable, and this thread will tell you where to shoot if you're using a handgun. As for getting over the fear of what comes after... I don't think I can help with that. Turn to Seneca or Marcus Aurelius or something, anything on peace. Wish you love and peace, mate. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/bullet-trajectory-brains-and-you-a-physics-problem.222389/

Getting a gun where I live is near on impossible. That won't be an option for me. Besides I don't need help with methods. I'll do the same thing I did last time with better timing and a few other minor adjustments. Getting over my fear and guilt is the only obstacle.

Appreciate it tho!

 

[hughmun9]

I relate... When I was 19 and had my first attempt by jumping in front of a train I felt fully convinced that CTB-ing was the right choice. I did not feel any regret, doubt or guilt. I was disappointed it didn't work, and I also had someone who was indirectly responsible for 'saving' me that I felt no gratitude towards. Nowadays there is something holding me back from CTB-ing. It doesn't feel as clear cut as it felt at first.

 

[wisdom]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, when I failed first time I felt the same but then I failed again and I'm glad that I did have another chance, now I'm recovering maybe you could try

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Getting a gun where I live is near on impossible. That won't be an option for me. Besides I don't need help with methods. I'll do the same thing I did last time with better timing and a few other minor adjustments. Getting over my fear and guilt is the only obstacle.

Appreciate it tho!

Alright, no problem. Luck and the best to you!

 

[Pangs93]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, when I failed first time I felt the same but then I failed again and I'm glad that I did have another chance, now I'm recovering maybe you could try

I have been trying. For 20 years. I entered the mh system when I was 13. I'm 33 now. Therapy, so many meds, psych ward admissions. Nothing has helped so far. My life has only gotten progressively worse. Now I've lost my home and lost my cat along with it, my only real reason for hanging on. Its been almost 6 months and I still can't find somewhere to live. I'm so tired of trying just for everything to keep getting worse. The attempt 8 years ago wasn't my first, only my worst in terms of severity. I never gained any appreciation for life after the dozen or so prior attempts either. Only repeated disappointment at surviving.

I do want to live a life worth living. I genuinely do. I really do want to live but I really can't keep living lole this. The life I have now can hardly even be considered living at all, merely surviving. My mental health issues are severe and my life circumstances don't appear to be changing any time soon. If I do get a place to live and it doesn't end up being as horrific as my last 2 living arrangements then maybe I'll try again but that seems extremely unlikely atp.

I'm really glad you got a chance at recovery! Unfortunately that doesn't seem likely for me, at least not anytime soon. I don't think I can keep hanging on for only a possibility at a better life. I'm sorry. I'm trying.

 

[wisdom]

I have been trying. For 20 years. I entered the mh system when I was 13. I'm 33 now. Therapy, so many meds, psych ward admissions. Nothing has helped so far. My life has only gotten progressively worse. Now I've lost my home and lost my cat along with it, my only real reason for hanging on. Its been almost 6 months and I still can't find somewhere to live. I'm so tired of trying just for everything to keep getting worse. The attempt 8 years ago wasn't my first, only my worst in terms of severity. I never gained any appreciation for life after the dozen or so prior attempts either. Only repeated disappointment at surviving.

I do want to live a life worth living. I genuinely do. I really do want to live but I really can't keep living lole this. The life I have now can hardly even be considered living at all, merely surviving. My mental health issues are severe and my life circumstances don't appear to be changing any time soon. If I do get a place to live and it doesn't end up being as horrific as my last 2 living arrangements then maybe I'll try again but that seems extremely unlikely atp.

I'm really glad you got a chance at recovery! Unfortunately that doesn't seem likely for me, at least not anytime soon. I don't think I can keep hanging on for only a possibility at a better life. I'm sorry. I'm trying.

Damn, I'm really sorry that you had to experience that. I didn't have such big problems so it's wrong that I tell you to keep trying while I haven't experienced what you have experienced. I wanted to tell you that as since my last try my Life is slowly getting better so I'm grateful to have survived. Anyways wish you the best I Hope everything gets better for you and you can live a happy Life. The times I tried I was sure that It was what I had to do and now I realise that It wasnt but thats my case, I just thought It could be yours too.

 

[Pangs93]

Damn, I'm really sorry that you had to experience that. I didn't have such big problems so it's wrong that I tell you to keep trying while I haven't experienced what you have experienced. I wanted to tell you that as since my last try my Life is slowly getting better so I'm grateful to have survived. Anyways wish you the best I Hope everything gets better for you and you can live a happy Life. The times I tried I was sure that It was what I had to do and now I realise that It wasnt but thats my case, I just thought It could be yours too.

I still appreciate the sentiment even if it doesn't really apply to me! I wish it did lol I really do.

 

[wisdom]

I still appreciate the sentiment even if it doesn't really apply to me! I wish it did lol I really do.

wish you the best good luck

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

I so badly wish it had worked 8 years ago. When I had no real reason to live so the decision was so easy and I didn't feel any sort of survival instincts kick in, only peace and euphoria. I didn't feel fear or doubt or even guilt. I felt so good about my decision. It felt right. It was right.

I regret my survival so much. If I had stuck to my original planned date, I wouldn't be here. Unfortunately a few days prior someone I thought was a friend antagonised me into attempting ahead of schedule. It was that decision that led to my survival. If I were a better person perhaps I'd feel grateful for that but I don't. You hear so often of people surviving attempts who immediately regretted their decision. I wish that were me. I wish I found a new love for life. I wish I could feel happy I survived but I can't. This world is disgusting. Its only getting worse. My own life has also been almost nothing but misery, before and after the attempt.

Now attempting feels much harder. There's always something holding me back. Guilt and responsibility, mostly. Also after my last attempt I developed an intense fear of what comes after. I don't even believe in any sort of afterlife and yet I'm so scared something worse is waiting for me. What if I escape this hell just to end up worse off. That paranoid fear wasn't something I'd ever felt before my NDE. Something changed inside me that day.

I just wish I would've died that day or better yet had never been born. This is a living hell and I feel trapped here now.

Part of me is convinced I did die that day and this is hell. This is the something worse I am scared of. The world has gotten worse, my life has gotten worse but the thing that makes me feel this is hell the most is being unable to make myself even try to CTB anymore. Before that attempt I had attempted many times before. Now I haven't attempted at all in 8 entire years despite feeling significantly worse than I did before that attempt. I think I really am in hell. I can't die, I must be in hell.

If you are not disabled be thankful. I am barely mobile and I also feel like I died and went to hell. When I jumped off that bridge I didn't anticipate I would live. If you're not disabled be very thankful.

 

[fitoo5999]

If you are not disabled be thankful. I am barely mobile and I also feel like I died and went to hell. When I jumped off that bridge I didn't anticipate I would live. If you're not disabled be very thankful.

Well this is rare to survive this.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

Well this is rare to survive this.

I was in psychosis from lack of sleep on a cpap machine and it was absolutely a surprise to me! I ended up with a paralyzed right foot that become contracted and we made it mobile by getting a TTC ankle fusion. My hips were torn off my spine.
No one knows how I survived. Irony is I wasn't REALLY suicidal and now I am. This has been horrific to live through. I can talk about bad days.

 

[Live_Life55]

I was in psychosis from lack of sleep on a cpap machine and it was absolutely a surprise to me! I ended up with a paralyzed right foot that become contracted and we made it mobile by getting a TTC ankle fusion. My hips were torn off my spine.
No one knows how I survived. Irony is I wasn't REALLY suicidal and now I am. This has been horrific to live through. I can talk about bad days.
View attachment 205856

This really sucks to here. I'm sorry you're going through this. How high was the jump?

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

This really sucks to here. I'm sorry you're going through this. How high was the jump?

It was an overpass above the expressway. I fell over 20 feet but I'm not sure if it was more than that. No one has ever told me.

It has been a nightmare. I tore my pelvis off of my spine. It is daily pain.

 

[Live_Life55]

It was an overpass above the expressway. I fell over 20 feet but I'm not sure if it was more than that. No one has ever told me.

It has been a nightmare. I tore my pelvis off of my spine. It is daily pain.

That's horrible man hope you can recover soon.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

That's horrible man hope you can recover soon.

I will never recover. This have metal inserts in my leg and spine and I am no longer independent. It's horrific.

 

[Live_Life55]

I will never recover. This have metal inserts in my leg and spine and I am no longer independent. It's horriteagi

Beyond tragic. Hoping you get better

 

[NiicheKey]

I so badly wish it had worked 8 years ago. When I had no real reason to live so the decision was so easy and I didn't feel any sort of survival instincts kick in, only peace and euphoria. I didn't feel fear or doubt or even guilt. I felt so good about my decision. It felt right. It was right.

I regret my survival so much. If I had stuck to my original planned date, I wouldn't be here. Unfortunately a few days prior someone I thought was a friend antagonised me into attempting ahead of schedule. It was that decision that led to my survival. If I were a better person perhaps I'd feel grateful for that but I don't. You hear so often of people surviving attempts who immediately regretted their decision. I wish that were me. I wish I found a new love for life. I wish I could feel happy I survived but I can't. This world is disgusting. Its only getting worse. My own life has also been almost nothing but misery, before and after the attempt.

Now attempting feels much harder. There's always something holding me back. Guilt and responsibility, mostly. Also after my last attempt I developed an intense fear of what comes after. I don't even believe in any sort of afterlife and yet I'm so scared something worse is waiting for me. What if I escape this hell just to end up worse off. That paranoid fear wasn't something I'd ever felt before my NDE. Something changed inside me that day.

I just wish I would've died that day or better yet had never been born. This is a living hell and I feel trapped here now.

Part of me is convinced I did die that day and this is hell. This is the something worse I am scared of. The world has gotten worse, my life has gotten worse but the thing that makes me feel this is hell the most is being unable to make myself even try to CTB anymore. Before that attempt I had attempted many times before. Now I haven't attempted at all in 8 entire years despite feeling significantly worse than I did before that attempt. I think I really am in hell. I can't die, I must be in hell.

This is so relatable I am on the verge of crying. I remember when I was younger and how "easy" it was to attempt in terms of everything (except accessing materials maybe). Less awarness of SI, less guilt, not overthinking every detail of a plan.
Especially you struck me with responsibility part. It's too hard to have time/proper occasion to die when you're an adult (even when unemployed, neet, living alone etc). Too much things that should be really insignificant, because you're suicidal, yet they hold back...
I can't say that good things haven't been happening, but I'd prefer to be dead anyway. And now the guilt and regret of not succeeding in that attempt, or any other, is adding up.
I guess the difference is that I wouldn't like to live happier life - I'd prefer to give all of my life privileges to someone, who wants to live, but can't because of illness, war or place of birth.

 

[notthatclever]

I survived a brutal attempt.. yeah you hear the stories.. I'm so glad they saved my life.. not really.. I wished they had just let me die.. spare me even more trauma and heartache. The world is horror nightmare show and not to be trusted.. people are the worst.. for a while you might fool yourself into thinking maybe it's worth hanging on for one more cool song or good movie or interesting person or maybe I'll find somebody or people I actually care about and vice versa.. nope.. people are lying awful scum bags.. everybody is self serving and full of agenda.. and it's like.. well if you want to play it that way.. my self serving agenda is to off myself.. if they only knew how truly fed up with their crazy stupid bullshit asses I am.. a couple months ago I had chest pains and I smoke and I'm middle aged heart disease runs in my family.. and I went to the er.. and I sat there waiting for them to call me back after triage and it just hit me.. I'd rather have the heart attack.. I'd rather be dead.. they don't care.. I don't care.. they twist everything about me anyways.. can't stand them either.. and I just walked out and never went back.. this place would make their heads explode.. they'd be screaming about twilight zone and shit., they deserve a twilight zone after the one they made my life.. I do love being able to be so open about how I really feel about being suicidal for years really now.. like open open.. not fake open.. like oh yeah I was suicidal and it was bad and I did this and I learned that from the doctor tee hee.. but yeah surviving an attempt especially if it was a nasty one like mine was.. oh it's brutal.. the trauma and the rest after.. and they're all pissed you tried.. and you're sitting there having nightmares about your attempt and living anyways.. and they treat you like a monster.. it's baffling.. they think you're the biggest piece of shit in the world thinking you don't feel like that already.. it's so insane.. why would half the people attempt it to begin with.. but oh god my old head doctors would have a stroke if they knew about this place.. seeing people help each other out on effective methods and the rest.. I wish I could rub it in their face, they deserve it.. they're always pumping air up my ass with bullshit reasons to stay alive.. it's all so scripted and generic and stupid and insulting to what intelligence is left in me.. when really people want me alive because who will they use as a punching bag if I die.. they don't actually care about me or my life or my happiness or what I want in life.. they think I don't know.. I've always known.. everybody just forgets about the day somebody snaps and says I have had enough.. and leaves or commits suicide or ends everything.. they think it never happens.. and it happens all the time every day.. and the ones that don't use me as a punching bag use me as a shield because they're terrified they'll be the next once I'm not the one always taking the heat.. god I hate them all so much.. if they only knew how much I really hated them.. like I mean I haaate them.. and what's sadder is I think they think I actually like or love them.. good god even suicidal.. their self delusion is drug like.. I wished they had just let me die.. it's been almost 8 years ago.. but I wished they'd had just let me die.. mine was bad. I was in the hospital for a month.. no idea why they saved me other than they felt like they had to save a life.. there was no point.. it's not because the cop that found me or the doctors that treated me cared about me or my life.. they didn't and they don't.. and then they'll cop out that they're just lost and all their delusions like I give a fuck.. it's too late for all that now.. then they'll project that I feel like I'm lost because they are.. I'm not lost.. have never felt that way..

Surviving it forever changed my life.. and nobody was around or came to see me in the hospital or anything.. and they don't get to take that back.. and the harassment I endured after.. was so insane.. it's been years and years of it..

I few year before my attempt I had a mental health incident.. and my attempt survival and that incident. I have constant flashbacks.. everybody pretended like they never knew me or met me before.. everybody left me unless they wanted something out of me to use me or harass me for a joke.. they all think because I failed my attempt it's just so funny..

I want to rub this place in their faces so fucking bad.. and I could.. but I won't.. They deserve to have their smug bitch ass heads rubbed in it..

They should have let me die.. they knew full well they were never letting up or leaving me alone.. or ever letting me heal or have any peace..
they knew the whole time..

What they did is criminal..

But they cop out and play they're some shady asshole to try and get around that.. everything is such a cop out..

I ask myself every day why didn't they just let me die..

They really are clueless.. they have no idea how much I hate them.. I mean I haaaate them..

Do you know what an insane crock of shit the therapists and doctors are..

I was sitting there in a therapy session crying about how my ex beat the piss out of me..

And she told me to work on my resume..

Can you believe that crazy bitch..


It must be painful to be that fucking awful of a human and that fucking stupid..

That level of not reading a room as a fucking therapist.. makes me look sane..

I mean they're complete morons..

I'll never go back.. they never get another chance..

The second I walked out with my chest pain.. I accepted I never want their help again..

I don't care about their opinion about anything in my life..

They kept me alive so a therapist can tell me while I'm crying in the middle of a suicidal don't jump.. to work on my resume..

Yeah life is just soooo profound and meaningful and how did I not see..

Just so much to live for..

At least she wasn't fake in the fact that she didn't care about me at all..

But you know.. cancel the appointment..

Don't put me through that level of ringer about that kind of pain..

she was clearly white trash.. she's like a real housewife. She got a college degree but can't figure out what continent Cairo is on..

They're all so blindly unaware they all have that element to them one way or the other..

But yeah once they started treating my insane level abuse from my ex and my mom dying in the middle of it and all the harassment like some joke..

They never have the option again.. they never get to come back.. nothing they say I will ever listen to..

Or care about..

Next time I feel the urge to save myself at the er, I'll just kill myself instead..

Cause I get SI and before the SI gets into deeper thoughts I usually save myself and go to the er..

I just hope once it's done it all crash lands on their heads and their careers..

It's been almost 2 years since I went to a psych ward.. I refuse to play their stupid games anymore.. once a therapist told me to work on my resume while I was crying my eyes out I was done..

There is nothing else to believe or care about what they say..

They're all a crock of insane shit themselves..

And I'm done here where I am now.. I gave it a solid effort and tried to get their heads out of their ass but that is never happening.

Some people and places are too far gone and too trash and too some type of way..

The people here are evil..

And just like everybody else.. no idea I hate their guts..

 

[Pangs93]

If you are not disabled be thankful

This is an odd thing to say without knowing anything about me. I am disabled, though not from my attempt. The attempt did cause lasting damage and chronic pain but I wouldn't call that disabling. However, I have end stage osteoarthritis in my hips that is severely disabling as well as POTs and a lot of unexplained chronic pain in almost every joint in my body. On top of that I have extreme mental health issues, like OCD, that severely impede my ability to function in every day life. OCD almost killed me at one point because I stopped eating entirely for a long time due to contamination fears and ended up in hospital for 9 solid months recovering from starvation. This episode is also what caused me to develop POTs, an incurable illness.

This is a very 'I have it worse so you should be thankful' attitude that I feel shouldn't belong on a site like this, where everyone is struggling and where you don't know everyone's full story. I'm sorry about what happened to you, genuinely, but that doesn't mean I should be thankful.

 

[plskilme]

Felt. I almost died tonight. Went to the place I worked at for some dinner and got some chicken. I took a bite that was slightly too big, and started choking. Went to the bathroom and puked it out sadly though. God damn I wish it worked. Fuck everything bro.

 

[Apology]

Felt. I almost died tonight. Went to the place I worked at for some dinner and got some chicken. I took a bite that was slightly too big, and started choking. Went to the bathroom and puked it out sadly though. God damn I wish it worked. Fuck everything bro.

That's exactly how my old friend from middle school's father died.

He was a fucking piece of shit though, I'm glad he died. Seems like a horrible way to go nevertheless

 

[Pangs93]

I'd prefer to give all of my life privileges to someone, who wants to live, but can't because of illness, war or place of birth.

God, if only that were an option. If I could gift somebody my remaining years, I would do it in a heartbeat. My life is worthless. I'm worthless. I genuinely don't contribute anything of meaning to the world. I see people with meaningful lives, people who want to live so badly, dying all the time and its so unfair. I don't deserve life and I'd give anything to give it to somebody who does.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

This is an odd thing to say without knowing anything about me. I am disabled, though not from my attempt. The attempt did cause lasting damage and chronic pain but I wouldn't call that disabling. However, I have end stage osteoarthritis in my hips that is severely disabling as well as POTs and a lot of unexplained chronic pain in almost every joint in my body. On top of that I have extreme mental health issues, like OCD, that severely impede my ability to function in every day life. OCD almost killed me at one point because I stopped eating entirely for a long time due to contamination fears and ended up in hospital for 9 solid months recovering from starvation. This episode is also what caused me to develop POTs, an incurable illness.

This is a very 'I have it worse so you should be thankful' attitude that I feel shouldn't belong on a site like this, where everyone is struggling and where you don't know everyone's full story. I'm sorry about what happened to you, genuinely, but that doesn't mean I should be thankful.

I apologize if it came off like that. I belief everyone should be careful with their methods. You don't have to be thankful.
If you have a working body you are lucky was more the sentiment.

 

[Live_Life55]

This is an odd thing to say without knowing anything about me. I am disabled, though not from my attempt. The attempt did cause lasting damage and chronic pain but I wouldn't call that disabling. However, I have end stage osteoarthritis in my hips that is severely disabling as well as POTs and a lot of unexplained chronic pain in almost every joint in my body. On top of that I have extreme mental health issues, like OCD, that severely impede my ability to function in every day life. OCD almost killed me at one point because I stopped eating entirely for a long time due to contamination fears and ended up in hospital for 9 solid months recovering from starvation. This episode is also what caused me to develop POTs, an incurable illness.

This is a very 'I have it worse so you should be thankful' attitude that I feel shouldn't belong on a site like this, where everyone is struggling and where you don't know everyone's full story. I'm sorry about what happened to you, genuinely, but that doesn't mean I should be thankful.

Sorry to hear sounds brutal. Did they force you on any meds?

 

[Pangs93]

I apologize if it came off like that. I belief everyone should be careful with their methods. You don't have to be thankful.
If you have a working body you are lucky was more the sentiment.

I understand that sentiment. I just think this is the wrong place to express it.

Sorry to hear sounds brutal. Did they force you on any meds?

For that OCD episode? Yes, they put me on clomipramine and olanzapine. Though I wasn't forced to take them, I agreed to it. I needed help.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

I understand that sentiment. I just think this is the wrong place to express it.

For that OCD episode? Yes, they put me on clomipramine and olanzapine. Though I wasn't forced to take them, I agreed to it. I needed help.

I'm not sure it's wrong to express it but it was on your posting and I realized that error. I'm new and should have just expressed it elsewhere. I'm no worse off or better off than anyone here. I don't think any expression is wrong as long as you're not mistreating another.

Sorry for your experiences in life that are challenging as well. We ALL are here for a reason and desperately need help/answers.

 

[Pangs93]

I'm not sure it's wrong to express it but it was on your posting and I realized that error. I'm new and should have just expressed it elsewhere. I'm no worse off or better off than anyone here. I don't think any expression is wrong as long as you're not mistreating another.

Sorry for your experiences in life that are challenging as well. We ALL are here for a reason and desperately need help/answers.

Its not outright wrong to express it. Just on somebody else's post about something horrible they went through, it comes across as dismissive and rude. Maybe I'm just extra sensitive to it because ive heard it all my life. 'I'm sorry your mum beats you but my mums dead so you should cherish her and be grateful you still have a mum' as one example. People are obsessed with the trauma olympics, especially online. I understand now that wasn't the intention of your comment but that is how it came off originally.

I agree, my life is not any better or worse than anyone else. It's just different. Different experiences, different struggles. But we're all here for the shared despair of living a life we don't want.