sunstone
<8>
- Feb 27, 2026
- 5
Hello, I am 38 and non-binary (legally a trans woman, not passing, but gender is a performance anyway). I am so tired of living in this hell world. I am isolated and depressed, and nobody has really been involved in my life (birthdays, holidays, even just hanging out casually) in years. I have been too depressed and anxious to leave the house much, let alone go to work. My roommates just walked out without paying rent or utilities for months, and straight-up robbed me. I want to end my life, and I am so frustrated that I can't seem to do so. It's been five years of regretting waking up, since my last real relationship ended badly.
I come from a crazy, high-control religious family ("Evangelical Christian," and not in a good way, nothing against Christianity as a whole). About sixteen months ago, I was involuntarily hospitalized due to a fraudulent "wellness check' by my sister, and forced to sign legal documents while in the mental hospital giving my abusive father legal and medical proxy rights for six months (I talked him down from a year). My therapist and lawyer both ignored the forms, naturally, but my therapist reported harassment from my family, including threatening to sue the practice and her personally. She sent me a letter to that effect just before leaving the practice last June, leaving me without a therapist. I haven' ben able to work since.
Anyway, I decided that it would be better if I simply exited this rigged game we call life. I did some research on this site, and decided that hanging would be the most efficient way to do so, because I don't have access to firearms. I tried hanging myself from the railing of my stairs, since I am now alone in the house. I passed out momentarily, but woke up and pannicked, and escaped the noose. I wish I hadn't.
After doing more research (specifically Evelyn Lane's thread) and watching a video on hanging from a door, I decided to go that route. I tied a rope to a towel rack that was hanging over the barhroom door, and stood on a chair on the other side with the door closed. I tried to edge my feet off of the chair like I saw in the video, trying to accept it, but the chair slipped and I instinctively tried to catch myself. In doing so, I disclocated my shoulder, causing intense pain. I thought, "well, great. Not only are you goig to die, you're going to die struggling and in pain." My foot was stull on the chair, and I managed to pull it back towards me and release myself. I wasn't able to set my shoulder, so I had to go to the hospital t get it reset.
It was nice being taken care of in the hospital, even if it was noisy and boring. I got a shot of morphine and anasthetic for the procedure, making me feel light and euphoric, but when it wore off, I was in the same situation, just throoughly discouraged. I tried hanging myself from the rod in my closet, but no matter how hard i pushed, I couldn't seem to make myself pass out.
A few weeks ago, I even tried the plastic bag method, but i was gasping so hard and in so much pain that i ripped the bag. I just wish there was an easier way to die.
Edit: I forgot to add, I started seeing a new therapist and psychiatrist this month. I was diagnosed with BPD and possibly Bipolar I, due to paranoid delusions. I assume most of it is trauma-related, but I form deep, intense attachments to people and then convince myself they are abusing me at the slightest sign of trouble, breaking my own heart in the process. that's pretty much why I am alone and tired of living.
I come from a crazy, high-control religious family ("Evangelical Christian," and not in a good way, nothing against Christianity as a whole). About sixteen months ago, I was involuntarily hospitalized due to a fraudulent "wellness check' by my sister, and forced to sign legal documents while in the mental hospital giving my abusive father legal and medical proxy rights for six months (I talked him down from a year). My therapist and lawyer both ignored the forms, naturally, but my therapist reported harassment from my family, including threatening to sue the practice and her personally. She sent me a letter to that effect just before leaving the practice last June, leaving me without a therapist. I haven' ben able to work since.
Anyway, I decided that it would be better if I simply exited this rigged game we call life. I did some research on this site, and decided that hanging would be the most efficient way to do so, because I don't have access to firearms. I tried hanging myself from the railing of my stairs, since I am now alone in the house. I passed out momentarily, but woke up and pannicked, and escaped the noose. I wish I hadn't.
After doing more research (specifically Evelyn Lane's thread) and watching a video on hanging from a door, I decided to go that route. I tied a rope to a towel rack that was hanging over the barhroom door, and stood on a chair on the other side with the door closed. I tried to edge my feet off of the chair like I saw in the video, trying to accept it, but the chair slipped and I instinctively tried to catch myself. In doing so, I disclocated my shoulder, causing intense pain. I thought, "well, great. Not only are you goig to die, you're going to die struggling and in pain." My foot was stull on the chair, and I managed to pull it back towards me and release myself. I wasn't able to set my shoulder, so I had to go to the hospital t get it reset.
It was nice being taken care of in the hospital, even if it was noisy and boring. I got a shot of morphine and anasthetic for the procedure, making me feel light and euphoric, but when it wore off, I was in the same situation, just throoughly discouraged. I tried hanging myself from the rod in my closet, but no matter how hard i pushed, I couldn't seem to make myself pass out.
A few weeks ago, I even tried the plastic bag method, but i was gasping so hard and in so much pain that i ripped the bag. I just wish there was an easier way to die.
Edit: I forgot to add, I started seeing a new therapist and psychiatrist this month. I was diagnosed with BPD and possibly Bipolar I, due to paranoid delusions. I assume most of it is trauma-related, but I form deep, intense attachments to people and then convince myself they are abusing me at the slightest sign of trouble, breaking my own heart in the process. that's pretty much why I am alone and tired of living.
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