Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,193
Before I say anything, I want to put up a disclaimer
I know most people want to be "nice" and encouraging and say shit like "omg you're so strong!" or "its gonna get better" or "it's gonna be ok" or "do xyz and you'll be fine"
I'm not having it. I feel like shit, I want to vent, and the last thing I need is someone shoving positivity down my throat in an attempt to make me feel better
Ok, now that out of the way, the bad news
I always suspected on some level I "might" have PCOS. My period has been irregular and not consistent for the past few months.
Then it didn't come for a total of 55 days, which concerned me greatly.
I went to the gyno and got some tests done
I am cleared for STDS and Pregnancy, but my hormones are off. I need to go in for another test to test something else that, if I have, requires treatment
But all this to say, I basically have PCOS. which fucking sucks
I hate that I have this shit. I hate that I have this condition. I hate that this is my life. I never wanted this shit
I already had a hard ass life due an abusive mom who was jealous of me and projected all of her shame and abuse exclusively to me
A family I cannot confide in because not only do they not change they also have this perception of me being the sensitive overreactive girl who's mom "loved" her and I'm messed up for thinking other wise. The covert narcissist fucking sucks
And on top of that, I have to make a bunch of eating/life style changes. Like as the doctor was saying shit like "cut carbs, white bread, etc" I wanted to stop her and say "look I get it. You're a doctor and you have to say the generic shit. But I've had a life of trauma and weight is something I have worked at on and off for a long time and it's not fucking easy. Your straightforward advice might work for normal people who are mentally fit but it won't work on someone as damaged as me"
Anyways, I'm gonna try to make changes going forward based on what I can do. Right now, my mental health is in the gutter. I have classes I don't want to focus on
I want to go into a ball and never come out. I want to suffer in silence. I don't want to spend time with friends and be forced to be vulnerable and have people "care" about me
I want to commit suicide, but I also don't want to
Fuck
I know most people want to be "nice" and encouraging and say shit like "omg you're so strong!" or "its gonna get better" or "it's gonna be ok" or "do xyz and you'll be fine"
I'm not having it. I feel like shit, I want to vent, and the last thing I need is someone shoving positivity down my throat in an attempt to make me feel better
Ok, now that out of the way, the bad news
I always suspected on some level I "might" have PCOS. My period has been irregular and not consistent for the past few months.
Then it didn't come for a total of 55 days, which concerned me greatly.
I went to the gyno and got some tests done
I am cleared for STDS and Pregnancy, but my hormones are off. I need to go in for another test to test something else that, if I have, requires treatment
But all this to say, I basically have PCOS. which fucking sucks
I hate that I have this shit. I hate that I have this condition. I hate that this is my life. I never wanted this shit
I already had a hard ass life due an abusive mom who was jealous of me and projected all of her shame and abuse exclusively to me
A family I cannot confide in because not only do they not change they also have this perception of me being the sensitive overreactive girl who's mom "loved" her and I'm messed up for thinking other wise. The covert narcissist fucking sucks
And on top of that, I have to make a bunch of eating/life style changes. Like as the doctor was saying shit like "cut carbs, white bread, etc" I wanted to stop her and say "look I get it. You're a doctor and you have to say the generic shit. But I've had a life of trauma and weight is something I have worked at on and off for a long time and it's not fucking easy. Your straightforward advice might work for normal people who are mentally fit but it won't work on someone as damaged as me"
Anyways, I'm gonna try to make changes going forward based on what I can do. Right now, my mental health is in the gutter. I have classes I don't want to focus on
I want to go into a ball and never come out. I want to suffer in silence. I don't want to spend time with friends and be forced to be vulnerable and have people "care" about me
I want to commit suicide, but I also don't want to
Fuck
