It is very hard to cope with. I am panicking. I think the benzo I took yesterday eases the anxiety a little bit. Many burdensome things happened. I met my crush two days ago. I looked her into the eyes for a short time. And her gaze completely confirmed my theory. She cannot take me serious. She considers me insane or mental. I had some psychotic thoughts the first time we met...well this happened quite too frequently in my life. The first contact stresses me. She laughed at me in a kind of smug way. Yes it hurts but whatever. I have different issues now.
Side-note: my sister seemingly started to take drugs. What a brilliant idea after having had two stress induced psychosis. My mom thinks she started to smoke weed which is completely self-destructive if one had once a psychosis. How in the hell did she come to the conclusion to start drugs now? (a friend of her might influenced her). She was in the psychiatry and met so many people who ruined their life by taking drugs. In the psychiatry they repeat 24/7 weed induces psychosis for certain people. Honestly how stupid is she? People who had a psychosis should never smoke weed a relapse is guaranteed in most cases. This will cause further issues. This family is already in so much trouble.
So now to my issues. I have extreme anxiety currently. I am really panicking and it is very difficult to cope with. I won't take a benzo this evening. I don't want to end up as an addict. Soon I have exams. And performance pressure triggers me so fucking hard due to child abuse in such situations. I have a GPA of roundabout 3.9. My grades are almost completely worthless. I probably cannot hold a job. I am still doing that shit so that my parents don't panick, for the 5% chance that I will somehow manage a part-time job and maybe for my self-confidence. Almost all of my past examse were 100% memorizing shit. And I am studying like an extreme fool despite the fact I study only part-time. I have very severe and agonizing OCD related to studying. Manic symptoms and anxiety due to the imposter syndrome fuel my self-hatred to torture me with studying. But if stopped it my anxiety became even worse. I have to hit a sweet spot.
College triggers the shit out of me. I have psychotic or manic symptoms on a regular basisi. The only shit that let me survive till this point was the addictive medication and honestly the support I get in this forum cannot be underestimated. It is helps me a lot to reflect, cool down, getting feedback, to vent and I am glad recently an obvious troll was banned.
I think my grades do not have much value. I am not as smart as these grades suggest. If I have a job interview they will ask why my degree took so long. The way better thing would be having a worse GPA and achieving my degree way faster. If it was that easy. I have really extreme insane anxiety prior to exams. I got two pychosis in the past because of that. Yeah this is what child abuse can cause in a human. I will soon have an exam where logic is the most important factor and not memorizing. Today I did some exercises and I barely understood them. I won't specify it due to privacy concerns but the anxiety skyrockets since I could not answer these questions. My worst grade I had at college was a B plus. Though I am still hellish and irrationally anxious to fail an exam. Last semester I almost got a psychosis because the anxiety drove me over the edge. Only the benzo saved my ass.
I am really panicking. I cannot think about anything else since that incident. Even my obsession about my crush became less I think I should move on I fucked it up completely once again. It is very painful. I felt like threwing up after I could not answer these questions. My thoughts started to race and I really felt how the anxiety caused stress physiologically. I am taking so fucking much anti-anxiety medication and I am still feeling that. I try to calm me down. I always panic prior to exams. I can remember once I started to extremely panicking at 3 a.m. I might have forgotten to put my name correctly on the paper. The anxiety skyrocketed but my therapist could help me a little bit. I am scared to disappoint people. Even my professors despite they don't really know me. I think it is embarrassing if one studies as much as I that one does not have perfect grades. Which is probably a very toxic and counterproductive way of thinking.
The anxiety fueled my will to study even harder. Though I really have consider my mental health. If I am psychotic during the exam this would be extremely counterproductive. I think the exam will be the worst grade I had to far. These grades barely say anything. Though it is one tiny bit of self-confidence that remains for me. And that I am skinny as fuck. Both of these cause a lot of suffering. But is this even that bad if one already hates ones own life so much as I do?
Just fuck fuck fuck my life. It is at least comforting to read in this forum that I am not alone with all of that pain. Sometimes it reminds me that others even have a worse card in life. At the same time this makes it clear for me that the worst might be yet to come. Not because of the stories in this forum. I rather see how I am unable to live on my own without my support network. When my mom dies I fucking kill myself immediately. I just cannot handle all of that on my own. Though there are also other scenarios in which I plan to kill myself. I still have a source on SN. And depending how bad I feel I am checking if that guy is still selling quite frequently. I won't give the information to anyone for different reasons though. The information that there is a way out is relieving for me. My cage seems a little bit less frightening when a small portion of self-determination and autonomy remains.
The German state, the journalists and the elite don't want to offer people like me a dignified way out in their longlasting pain. I would be willing to explain myself in front of doctors, coucilling facilities and people who are unprejudiced of the outcome of the conversation. So if they don't want that I can still kill myself without that. When I talk to psychiatrists about assisted suicide they laugh me out of the room and don't even allow that thought. Well censorship and criminalization won't make the people less suicidal. But then the suicides happen in darker corners or grey area where one does not have the guilty conscience about ones own unwillingness to substanitally support people and can scapegoat instead an online forum for so many societal grievances that drive people over the edge.
Side-note: my sister seemingly started to take drugs. What a brilliant idea after having had two stress induced psychosis. My mom thinks she started to smoke weed which is completely self-destructive if one had once a psychosis. How in the hell did she come to the conclusion to start drugs now? (a friend of her might influenced her). She was in the psychiatry and met so many people who ruined their life by taking drugs. In the psychiatry they repeat 24/7 weed induces psychosis for certain people. Honestly how stupid is she? People who had a psychosis should never smoke weed a relapse is guaranteed in most cases. This will cause further issues. This family is already in so much trouble.
So now to my issues. I have extreme anxiety currently. I am really panicking and it is very difficult to cope with. I won't take a benzo this evening. I don't want to end up as an addict. Soon I have exams. And performance pressure triggers me so fucking hard due to child abuse in such situations. I have a GPA of roundabout 3.9. My grades are almost completely worthless. I probably cannot hold a job. I am still doing that shit so that my parents don't panick, for the 5% chance that I will somehow manage a part-time job and maybe for my self-confidence. Almost all of my past examse were 100% memorizing shit. And I am studying like an extreme fool despite the fact I study only part-time. I have very severe and agonizing OCD related to studying. Manic symptoms and anxiety due to the imposter syndrome fuel my self-hatred to torture me with studying. But if stopped it my anxiety became even worse. I have to hit a sweet spot.
College triggers the shit out of me. I have psychotic or manic symptoms on a regular basisi. The only shit that let me survive till this point was the addictive medication and honestly the support I get in this forum cannot be underestimated. It is helps me a lot to reflect, cool down, getting feedback, to vent and I am glad recently an obvious troll was banned.
I think my grades do not have much value. I am not as smart as these grades suggest. If I have a job interview they will ask why my degree took so long. The way better thing would be having a worse GPA and achieving my degree way faster. If it was that easy. I have really extreme insane anxiety prior to exams. I got two pychosis in the past because of that. Yeah this is what child abuse can cause in a human. I will soon have an exam where logic is the most important factor and not memorizing. Today I did some exercises and I barely understood them. I won't specify it due to privacy concerns but the anxiety skyrockets since I could not answer these questions. My worst grade I had at college was a B plus. Though I am still hellish and irrationally anxious to fail an exam. Last semester I almost got a psychosis because the anxiety drove me over the edge. Only the benzo saved my ass.
I am really panicking. I cannot think about anything else since that incident. Even my obsession about my crush became less I think I should move on I fucked it up completely once again. It is very painful. I felt like threwing up after I could not answer these questions. My thoughts started to race and I really felt how the anxiety caused stress physiologically. I am taking so fucking much anti-anxiety medication and I am still feeling that. I try to calm me down. I always panic prior to exams. I can remember once I started to extremely panicking at 3 a.m. I might have forgotten to put my name correctly on the paper. The anxiety skyrocketed but my therapist could help me a little bit. I am scared to disappoint people. Even my professors despite they don't really know me. I think it is embarrassing if one studies as much as I that one does not have perfect grades. Which is probably a very toxic and counterproductive way of thinking.
The anxiety fueled my will to study even harder. Though I really have consider my mental health. If I am psychotic during the exam this would be extremely counterproductive. I think the exam will be the worst grade I had to far. These grades barely say anything. Though it is one tiny bit of self-confidence that remains for me. And that I am skinny as fuck. Both of these cause a lot of suffering. But is this even that bad if one already hates ones own life so much as I do?
Just fuck fuck fuck my life. It is at least comforting to read in this forum that I am not alone with all of that pain. Sometimes it reminds me that others even have a worse card in life. At the same time this makes it clear for me that the worst might be yet to come. Not because of the stories in this forum. I rather see how I am unable to live on my own without my support network. When my mom dies I fucking kill myself immediately. I just cannot handle all of that on my own. Though there are also other scenarios in which I plan to kill myself. I still have a source on SN. And depending how bad I feel I am checking if that guy is still selling quite frequently. I won't give the information to anyone for different reasons though. The information that there is a way out is relieving for me. My cage seems a little bit less frightening when a small portion of self-determination and autonomy remains.
The German state, the journalists and the elite don't want to offer people like me a dignified way out in their longlasting pain. I would be willing to explain myself in front of doctors, coucilling facilities and people who are unprejudiced of the outcome of the conversation. So if they don't want that I can still kill myself without that. When I talk to psychiatrists about assisted suicide they laugh me out of the room and don't even allow that thought. Well censorship and criminalization won't make the people less suicidal. But then the suicides happen in darker corners or grey area where one does not have the guilty conscience about ones own unwillingness to substanitally support people and can scapegoat instead an online forum for so many societal grievances that drive people over the edge.
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