toskita
Rat with internet access
- Oct 1, 2023
- 39
These feelings of slowly dying keep increasing, and I don't like knowing that I've got an expiration date of whom I've got no control over. I'm aware it's stupid to say since death is unexpected plus the fact that a suicidal person who's afraid of suddenly dying is quite ironic, but hear me out.
I don't want to die aware of that no one ever got to truly get to know me, all my darkest secrets, thoughts and desires, and still get to love me, I know it's a hell lot to ask, but why can't I even dream about it? Is it such a crime to be disgusting and wanting to be loved for my disgusting self? (that's literally the most overused sad rant ever and such a cliché too lol)
I'm just tired of people putting an expiration date on my utility to them, I'm not dirty enough to get rid of, there's a lot of uses left but I'm not enough for anyone to want a second try, not even when I morph my life story to my convenience, manipulate or gaslight them to want me.
I don't want to die aware of that no one ever got to truly get to know me, all my darkest secrets, thoughts and desires, and still get to love me, I know it's a hell lot to ask, but why can't I even dream about it? Is it such a crime to be disgusting and wanting to be loved for my disgusting self? (that's literally the most overused sad rant ever and such a cliché too lol)
I'm just tired of people putting an expiration date on my utility to them, I'm not dirty enough to get rid of, there's a lot of uses left but I'm not enough for anyone to want a second try, not even when I morph my life story to my convenience, manipulate or gaslight them to want me.
