existing but not really

[babysbreath]

i have been severely depressed for a while but have been rlly thinking about ctb the past few years, i did use to think of ctb when i was younger but in a more curious sense i guess rather than tired of existing. ive also been having mood swings sometimes where, especially when i was in school, i would either get rlly pissed off at people or myself which i dont show to my close friends like at all, and apart from being pissed i would feel rlly unmotivated and just extremely depressed. on top of everything i realised that i probably have had depression almost my whole life (either starting at the end of elementary or beginning of middle school) and i remember as a kid i would think, out of a more curiosity rather than suicidal, of what it would feel like or how things would be if nothing existed or if i just didnt exist which i remember causing me to feel uncomfortable but now i cant seem to feel any of that now. later in middle school i was online more and especially during covid when i was homeschooled in seventh and eighth grade, there would be all sorts of stuff on the internet like i found out about all sorts of things from s*xual to suicide videos and g*re, which really traumatised me. im not going into too much detail but family found out about one of my accounts where others online had convinced me to send certain photos of myself to them (i didnt know how to delete the profile so that was all they saw but then i deleted everything). i didnt use that account for long because it didnt take too long for me to hate myself even more. family relations and all that had mostly been bad and i never intended any harm because it wasnt like i didnt care even if it seemed like it but it obviously got worse. so now im legally an adult and before i graduated high school recently i was so sure that i wanted ctb but then graduation just kinda happened regardless, and now its been maybe a few months and things have kinda calmed down but as i said i am severely depressed and having mood swings which even when im not having doesnt mean im happy it just means im at the very least okay (which is a stretch). and now im considering ctb again
and i was thinking that i was young and being a teenager makes everything okay because my life just started and its not the end of the world, but that doesnt make it okay for me and i dont feel any better as the days go on. i have friends and family that i care about and care about me but idk what to do anymore and i dont know if i can keep going with how much i hate myself and have no motivation to do even the simplest things like eating which i dont even feel hungry most of the time

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with depression, babysbreath~ :( It's great that you have supportive friends and family to help you get through tho~ :) Be kind and appreciative for them~ :) I too struggle with eating~ :( it's just another thing that sucks in the world, and that you have to get yourself to do ig~ ugh~ >_<