kôrudelia-zejo
New Member
- Jan 5, 2026
- 1
(I'm new so I'm not used to the abbreviations here, apologies)
In my 29 year life as a non-human I spent most of it never feeling human but being told and treated as if I was. There was always this detachment there; when I was much younger I couldn't put a finger on what I felt but it was present. I'll admit I had some cognitive and physical difficulties mostly present til I was 12. Mostly motor and maturity issues...woo autism...
Embracing that I was not one felt relieving for about 2 years and it's how I am. I don't know what but I have had other non-humans suggest what I may be, but at this point learning so is fruitless. I don't intend to live more than a month and a half at this point.
There's an argument to be made that maybe I am human just with CPTSD, major depression, anxiety, autism and ADHD, but it doesn't feel so. I've had suicidal ideation since I was 10. I lost the ability to make friends and maintain friendships, more strongly so in the past year. This coincides with not being able to be vulnerable or even authentic, I can't anymore. It's hard to relate given that I intend to die relatively soon.
As much as I want to die, I wish I could not only figure out what I am but be able to live among others like me. The human realm is ultimately an awful place to live, even as a human in so many fucking cases.
I have empathy for the humans who are born into a world into circumstances that can barely be changed. It is awful with disease, starvation, dehydration, destruction, poverty...it's horrendous. And borders too, humans are still far from having a better world.
Even though that I am a non-human Buddhist, I still wish I could wake up in a non-human species far from earth or in another realm entirely one day. Though more than likely I will reincarnate somewhere in the universe randomly or there will be nothing.
At least either way I won't remember this life. Even as I type that out I'm still sad because all I have ever known is existing.
Sorry if not too coherent or organized
In my 29 year life as a non-human I spent most of it never feeling human but being told and treated as if I was. There was always this detachment there; when I was much younger I couldn't put a finger on what I felt but it was present. I'll admit I had some cognitive and physical difficulties mostly present til I was 12. Mostly motor and maturity issues...woo autism...
Embracing that I was not one felt relieving for about 2 years and it's how I am. I don't know what but I have had other non-humans suggest what I may be, but at this point learning so is fruitless. I don't intend to live more than a month and a half at this point.
There's an argument to be made that maybe I am human just with CPTSD, major depression, anxiety, autism and ADHD, but it doesn't feel so. I've had suicidal ideation since I was 10. I lost the ability to make friends and maintain friendships, more strongly so in the past year. This coincides with not being able to be vulnerable or even authentic, I can't anymore. It's hard to relate given that I intend to die relatively soon.
As much as I want to die, I wish I could not only figure out what I am but be able to live among others like me. The human realm is ultimately an awful place to live, even as a human in so many fucking cases.
I have empathy for the humans who are born into a world into circumstances that can barely be changed. It is awful with disease, starvation, dehydration, destruction, poverty...it's horrendous. And borders too, humans are still far from having a better world.
Even though that I am a non-human Buddhist, I still wish I could wake up in a non-human species far from earth or in another realm entirely one day. Though more than likely I will reincarnate somewhere in the universe randomly or there will be nothing.
At least either way I won't remember this life. Even as I type that out I'm still sad because all I have ever known is existing.
Sorry if not too coherent or organized
