pogostick
Student
- Jul 29, 2025
- 118
I've been feeling even more lost since I tried to commit suicide (again). Things already felt pointless but even moreso now.
I was talking to my friend about how university has just been working to solidify in my mind that the art I want to create isn't marketable or sanitary enough for me to really make it in the industry. They, as a good friend, really tried to help and were suggesting I had a conversation with tutors about it and tried to get advice from them as to how I can see a way for this to be my career. But, somehow through talking about it out loud, I kind of slowly came to the realisation that I truly don't care. I mean, I haven't cared about my future for a very long time, it's just that something about out conversation really made it click.
I don't want to work for somebody, I don't want to learn where my audience lies and I don't want to promote myself because I don't want to be alive. I don't want to try and get better at art or try out new projects. I don't feel passion or drive the way I used to- art used to keep me alive. It makes total sense that if you plan to die then you're going to care less about the impact you currently have on your future, like I said, I've felt this way subconciously for a while. Maybe before there was an element of 'but if I change my mind-', but something about that attempt kind of rewired me, I think.
I guess now I'm in a position where its like... right, okay, so, I'm not dropping out, I'm not going to stop doing my work, I don't have a planned attempt date, but I don't have any motivation, excitement, or drive when it comes to my work and infact I'm sort of just waiting to die. How long am I gonna drag myself around for?
I think I'm in a place where it feels too soon to try again (despite my previous attempts being only 5 days apart), but I feel no less inclined to CTB than I did before.
Hopefully this all makes sense.
I was talking to my friend about how university has just been working to solidify in my mind that the art I want to create isn't marketable or sanitary enough for me to really make it in the industry. They, as a good friend, really tried to help and were suggesting I had a conversation with tutors about it and tried to get advice from them as to how I can see a way for this to be my career. But, somehow through talking about it out loud, I kind of slowly came to the realisation that I truly don't care. I mean, I haven't cared about my future for a very long time, it's just that something about out conversation really made it click.
I don't want to work for somebody, I don't want to learn where my audience lies and I don't want to promote myself because I don't want to be alive. I don't want to try and get better at art or try out new projects. I don't feel passion or drive the way I used to- art used to keep me alive. It makes total sense that if you plan to die then you're going to care less about the impact you currently have on your future, like I said, I've felt this way subconciously for a while. Maybe before there was an element of 'but if I change my mind-', but something about that attempt kind of rewired me, I think.
I guess now I'm in a position where its like... right, okay, so, I'm not dropping out, I'm not going to stop doing my work, I don't have a planned attempt date, but I don't have any motivation, excitement, or drive when it comes to my work and infact I'm sort of just waiting to die. How long am I gonna drag myself around for?
I think I'm in a place where it feels too soon to try again (despite my previous attempts being only 5 days apart), but I feel no less inclined to CTB than I did before.
Hopefully this all makes sense.
