Everything ready for ctb but now I don't feel it strongly as before?

[NoPointToContinue]

I booked a house, everything ready. SN, medicines and all that. My decision has been absolutely certain, otherwise I would not be in a house booked for the purpose of ctb. Thought long about this and it is not impulsive decision. But somehow the thought of ctb feels...distant? I don't know why it is like this. Is it just SI? Because my reasons are strong and my life is miserable which I don't want to return to. I've been living with the fantasy of this moment for more than a year. So what is happening now? Can someone share thoughts? I knew it is not going to be easy thing to do, but still want to understand what is happening.

 

[FuneralCry]

Maybe it is the SI, as even know we want to die, we are programmed to survive and the SI can mean that ctb is difficult. After all, only you know when it is the right time to leave and I believe that it is a feeling that someone has that they know that it is time to go. I hope that you find relief from suffering in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Judy Garland]

Maybe your feeling a life path where you don't follow through and that is why it seems distant. Your spirit knows what is going to happen, but you aren't (and we) aren't connected to our consciousness like that right now, so you don't know your future off hand...but your spirit does. And it's making you feel that feeling.....diistant.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Because the last thing you want is death. You want a better life. Nobody wants to die. So it's hard.

 

[NoPointToContinue]

Maybe your feeling a life path where you don't follow through and that is why it seems distant. Your spirit knows what is going to happen, but you aren't (and we) aren't connected to our consciousness like that right now, so you don't know your future off hand...but your spirit does. And it's making you feel that feeling.....diistant.

So you say my spirit (which is wiser than me) does not approve my decision for ctb? Why then does not it manifest in my miserable life and waiting for me to try to end everything?
Thank you for the reply and interesting thought btw

Because the last thing you want is death. You want a better life. Nobody wants to die. So it's hard.

So true. I guess ctb is the acceptance that better life is not possible?

 

[Judy Garland]

So you say my spirit (which is wiser than me) does not approve my decision for ctb? Why then does not it manifest in my miserable life and waiting for me to try to end everything?
Thank you for the reply and interesting thought btw

So true. I guess ctb is the acceptance that better life is not possible?

No, I'm not saying that at all. Your spirit (you) approves it because look what you're doing. You are your spirit, so yes you approve of suicide. However, only your full self, (self with all the knowledge of this world and your life) knows your path, knows the truth. I think you should explore where that feeling comes from.

 

[Suicideorgy]

Maybe you just want to get out of whatever life situation you are in right now and going to a airbnb is like a mini vacation. For instance my dad is an angry piece of shit that rages at the drop of a hat. I would be a lot better without him in the picture. I am however living with him and I cant get a job due to no drivers license, he refuses to teach me and I have no friends or money to pay someone. I think its a control thing but am unsure what I can do about it. I live 40 miles from anywhere.

 

[absolute]

Because the last thing you want is death. You want a better life. Nobody wants to die. So it's hard.

Very true

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If you aren't ready, don't go. It's as simple as that. You are allowed to hang around and suffer with the rest of us for as long as you want (or can) until such time that you can't take it anymore. You are allowed to go only when you, and you alone, decide it is time.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

So you say my spirit (which is wiser than me) does not approve my decision for ctb? Why then does not it manifest in my miserable life and waiting for me to try to end everything?
Thank you for the reply and interesting thought btw

So true. I guess ctb is the acceptance that better life is not possible?

I don't know your situation… Maybe a better life is possible…