Everything just get worse, today was really bad.

[AshClouds]

I've been in a numb state for the past few weeks, and I finally broke down today.
I had multiple crying spells when I was alone, it was a lot harder to hide everything
from other people.
There were several times today that I almost broke down at work - in front of 30 people.
I'm glad I was able to hold myself in well enough to not be on display in front of them. That would not be good.
I'm usually really good at hiding how I feel - portraying myself as a generally well-adjusted person.
But I don''t know, it was a lot more challenging today, and I had to put in a greater amount of effort to contain myself.

I've just been thinking about how everything in my life continues to deteriorate right in front of me,
and I not able to do anything to reverse it.
It just keeps getting worse, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I just kept on wishing to myself how much I want to die, but I know I'm too much of a chicken shit to go through with it.

I'll get to a point where my life fully crumbles and then most likely I'd be able to - but I don't to reach that point.
I don't want to deal that situation, and I don't want to be in a level of pain thats much greater than it is right now.
I do not want to have to experience that point. So, I have to do it a lot sooner, but I do not possess the strength
to deliberately end my life.
I am fucking trapped and I can't get out of it.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello,

I just kept on wishing to myself how much I want to die, but I know I'm too much of a chicken shit to go through with it.

I do not want to have to experience that point. So, I have to do it a lot sooner, but I do not possess the strength
to deliberately end my life.
I am fucking trapped and I can't get out of it.

I'm so sorry for what you're enduring. Feeling trapped is one of the worst feeling you could experience I guess, especially when you think you can't complete CTB'ing because of your survival instinct or fear of agony. And you said you felt trapped in April...
When I broke down because of my depression, quit my job and go unemployed, I felt like this. I thought I have to CTB sooner or later, but I knew my survival instinct was so powerful, and I thought I can't complete an attempt. I imagined I was going to go homeless and frozen to death on the street in front of strangers. I think, that feeling was a torture, too.

I've just been thinking about how everything in my life continues to deteriorate right in front of me,
and I not able to do anything to reverse it.
It just keeps getting worse, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I just kept on wishing to myself how much I want to die, but I know I'm too much of a chicken shit to go through with it.

I don't know much about your situation aside from you have severe ADHD and depression, but your account of your situation sounds like it's genuinely hopeless because it seems that you tried everything you could do to save yourself and it didn't work.

I'm usually really good at hiding how I feel - portraying myself as a generally well-adjusted person.
But I don''t know, it was a lot more challenging today, and I had to put in a greater amount of effort to contain myself.

It just keeps getting worse, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I think this is a testament to how painful your feeling is. I'm very good at it, too, and I could put a fake smile on my face even on the day I attempted and didn't complete partial hanging. So I guess your pain is really unbearable.

I'll get to a point where my life fully crumbles and then most likely I'd be able to - but I don't to reach that point.

I hope your days are a bit less unbearable, but you said you will get to a point where your life fully crumbles - so I can't give you false hope. Personally suicidal thoughts have given me a bit of solace because I've thought peace is attainable even when my worst nightmare would happen. But eternal peace is just a mirage if we can't complete CTB'ing. Sorry that I'm useless - I'm so sorry.

Your feeling is too heavy to carry alone - please keep posting if it helps even a tiny bit

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly cruel how people have to suffer so much, I understand that it's dreadful feeling trapped in this existence with no straightforward way to die. But anyway best wishes.