AshClouds
In time I started growing inward.
- Apr 10, 2023
- 297
I've been in a numb state for the past few weeks, and I finally broke down today.
I had multiple crying spells when I was alone, it was a lot harder to hide everything
from other people.
There were several times today that I almost broke down at work - in front of 30 people.
I'm glad I was able to hold myself in well enough to not be on display in front of them. That would not be good.
I'm usually really good at hiding how I feel - portraying myself as a generally well-adjusted person.
But I don''t know, it was a lot more challenging today, and I had to put in a greater amount of effort to contain myself.
I've just been thinking about how everything in my life continues to deteriorate right in front of me,
and I not able to do anything to reverse it.
It just keeps getting worse, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I just kept on wishing to myself how much I want to die, but I know I'm too much of a chicken shit to go through with it.
I'll get to a point where my life fully crumbles and then most likely I'd be able to - but I don't to reach that point.
I don't want to deal that situation, and I don't want to be in a level of pain thats much greater than it is right now.
I do not want to have to experience that point. So, I have to do it a lot sooner, but I do not possess the strength
to deliberately end my life.
I am fucking trapped and I can't get out of it.
I had multiple crying spells when I was alone, it was a lot harder to hide everything
from other people.
There were several times today that I almost broke down at work - in front of 30 people.
I'm glad I was able to hold myself in well enough to not be on display in front of them. That would not be good.
I'm usually really good at hiding how I feel - portraying myself as a generally well-adjusted person.
But I don''t know, it was a lot more challenging today, and I had to put in a greater amount of effort to contain myself.
I've just been thinking about how everything in my life continues to deteriorate right in front of me,
and I not able to do anything to reverse it.
It just keeps getting worse, and I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I just kept on wishing to myself how much I want to die, but I know I'm too much of a chicken shit to go through with it.
I'll get to a point where my life fully crumbles and then most likely I'd be able to - but I don't to reach that point.
I don't want to deal that situation, and I don't want to be in a level of pain thats much greater than it is right now.
I do not want to have to experience that point. So, I have to do it a lot sooner, but I do not possess the strength
to deliberately end my life.
I am fucking trapped and I can't get out of it.