Venting everything is wrong.

[v0id]

at this point, i am convinced that i could never get what i wanted even if i worked hard for it. lately, nothing has been going right. i got bored one time and decided to list down every single thing that went wrong in my year that i could think of. i have listed quite a lot. every single thing i listed, i wanted, but had to let go of simply because i wasn't fortunate enough. i don't know, perhaps i did not work hard enough. but i did try. and i am tired.

the cards i've been dealt with are insanely unlucky. i tried to list things that went right this year, too, so that it would be "fair", and only listed 8. those doesn't even matter. they are only small things that doesn't change a thing about my miserable life.

i resent myself for being so goddamn envious of a friend who seem to have everything. i'm aware that she also has her own struggles hence i should not glorify her life but most times, i wish i was her. i wish i was more normal. more accepted. more loved.

jesus. why can't i get what i want even for once? i don't care if they simply just are not for me; i wanted them. i craved for them. i liked them. i invested time and energy to get those wins, and for what? nothing.

it has been like this for years. i'm just being hyperaware now because i can't keep being high functioning anymore. because of how fast paced life is, i tend to not wallow about my setbacks and move on quickly on to doing yet another meaningless task. but not now. not tonight.

i can't ride this one out. i wanted to live too, you know. but with my circumstances and everything going wrong, it seems like it would best to kill myself. i should have done it when i had the chance; when the damage i will cause for being dead is only minimal.

still, i wish i could die now.
being shot to death is still much easier than dealing with the problems i have that i did not ask for.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of existing here, existence really is too cruel, and it's cruel how people have to suffer so much all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Lupgevif]

The tiredness is something I understand very well. I am so tired after trying and failing so much already, but now I have to exert much effort than I already did to reach the bare minimum. I am sorry you feel like that too.

 

[user56765567]

I can relate and it sucks what you been going through. For me, there were just some days where I feel like I wish I never had gone through all that work and I wish I just didn't put all that time and effort in just to see it never fall through. The envy for what others have at times just eats at me so much as much as I try to fight against it and it's not like I want ill will towards those people but It really does seem unfair that you could do all the right things and still get fucked over all the same but when somebody else does it they can succeed with flying colors. I just feel like a complete and total failure who was insanely unlucky with a horrible deck and I just couldn't keep it up anymore either.