This is what I struggle with. It's like what is the point, every single one of us even if we make it to 100 years old meet the same fate. We all die at the end of this.
Most days I wake up, I hate the hellish existence around me. But at the same time, if I was gone, I wouldn't know my own name or understand anything anymore, and my curiosity of what's happening in the world couldn't happen, or relive and think about any of these experiences again, yet I hate what I see. I don't know, just another shitty catch 22.
What makes me wonder is how much of an illusion death really is. I realize we are on the same level as other organisms, that they came about originally as a collection of chemicals distributed throughout time and wound up there. When they pass, these chemicals are broken down and redistributed. But I realize we are confined to the chemicals in the brain controlling reality through our senses. So how much of this is real, and what isn't real?
These thoughts, like right now in the present, make me not want to consider CTB. But at times when hellish reality hits me, scares, and disturbs me, causes me pain, it's those moments where my mind starts drifting the other way and wish I was numb to it all and don't care to be a part of this existence.