Venting Everything I try to do to help myself only ends in more pain

[catastrophix]

TW: mentions of SA / CSA (not too graphic)

I've been trying to be more patient and considerate with myself, so I've been downloading apps to meet new people and potentially become friends with a few, since I don't really have friends.

I always make it clear that I'm only looking for friends, no romantic relationships. But I recently downloaded a new app with the swipe right/left algorithm. I don't want this next part to sound like I'm bragging or anything, cause this situation has honestly very quickly turned into a personal nightmare.

I received too many friend requests to count. At first, I was kinda excited (but also overwhelmed) until I saw all the profiles of the people who added me. 95% were men, and literally all the accounts I looked at had romantic or sexual intentions listed in their bios. It made me feel absolutely disgusting. I deleted the app, but the damage is done.

TW starts here

I've been used by older men throughout my whole life, the last time was early 2022. It's a really complicated feeling— Since I've experienced this my whole life, it's all I've ever known. I've accepted the fact that no one I love would ever love me back, so I've just let people use me for whatever they wished in the past. So seeing all these men with unrequited intentions makes me sick to my stomach.

I've already been having increased nightmares lately, and I just know that with all the flashbacks this situation has already caused me, I'm probably not going to sleep very good for a bit. I'm so paranoid to even leave my room because I feel so panicked and endangered over a fucking app because I can't stop overthinking everything.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense ough, I'm really losing it tonight

 

[ZeroSuitDoomgirl]

If you just don't want to be alone tonight, I know that some rando on the internet might not be the best person for you, but I'm happy to be here if you want to talk or anything, and I'm sure plenty of people on this site feel the same. If I can't help you, than the least I can do is empathize and hope things get better for you.

Have the best night that you realistically can, and I'm sorry that you've had bad experiences with a bunch of men, hope you meet some better folks soon