everlastinghistory
Member
- May 5, 2022
- 86
The last thing that really pushed me over the edge to want to commit sooner was a girl I love saying I had hurt her. I know I hurt her. I've become everything I always swore I hated. I don't want to get into the details because some of it is things I don't even think people here would be okay with. It's not anything concerning. Just morally questionable.
Anyway, that's besides the point. Everything already started to feel meaningless when she first said she didn't care about me. But I was still living in a happy little delusional bubble at that time and I was in denial. I was convinced I could change her mind and that I would change her mind. That if I moved closer to her (she's French I'm Canadian) maybe things would be okay and work out. I thought distance was the only problem. Or at least the main problem.
Then more recently I fucked up again and ended up sending her a ridiculous amount of texts, even writing some of them in French just to make a point. (I generally don't like writing in French and she knows that so I figured if she saw me writing in French she'd realize I was actually serious cause there's no way I'd do that just for the hell of it). After that she said if I ever did anything like that again she wasn't giving me any more chances. That if I did anything like that again she'd block me everywhere and that would be the end of us talking forever.
That definitely scared me and I sort of realized I had no choice anymore. It was either do what she asked or never talk to her again and there was no way in hell I was about to pick the latter. We settled on "rules" about me texting her. I've been following those rules and I have no issues with them. Though I definitely miss how things used to be and how happy she used to be talking to me…
Last night everything finally caught up to me. I realized nothing is ever going to be okay between us. I realized she's never going to care about me. And what happened today just solidified that fact.
After I realized all that last night I spent a while looking at screenshots of messages she had sent me telling me that if I were to commit it would hurt her and that she'd feel like it was her fault. The only reason I hadn't even attempted yet was because I didn't want to leave her with that guilt. No matter how much I know it wouldn't be her fault: She wouldn't know that. And I can't do that to her.
Around midnight last night I sent her a suicide note. I sent a text with that note saying not to worry too much unless I disappeared for over 48 hours because I didn't want her to worry for no reason if I'd fail. Long story short I didn't commit last night (obviously) or try to. I went to bed not long after I sent the note because I didn't want to hurt her like that. The only problem being that I sent it on an app that doesn't let you delete messages after they've been sent.
She didn't read the message until late this afternoon. I hadn't sent anything clarifying I was okay because I'm gonna be honest I was slightly curious how she'd react to that. But then she left that message on read… I sent another clarifying that I was okay not too long after and she hasn't read it. She's been active on Twitter a fair amount since then so she's been on her phone. She's not just busy like I first tried to tell myself she was.
All today has done for me is solidify the fact that if I died she wouldn't care. It wouldn't affect her. She may claim it would but it wouldn't. For all she knew I could've been dead since last night and she didn't care. Not even one word of concern. Nothing. Not even fake sympathy at the least.
I've wanted to go to Paris to commit for a while. I was putting off that date until next year because I wanted to give time for things to potentially change. But I know they won't now. Death is the best thing for me and doing it in a city nicknamed "the city of love" feels fitting. I still feel like she'd blame herself. But honestly if she went on after reading that note not caring at all… And she had no way of knowing nothing had happened… She wouldn't care if it was real.
My death would mean nothing to her. It'd just be another day like any other. I hate to admit it but it's true. I can't deny it with solid evidence of it like what happened today. She's the only thing I stayed for. If even she doesn't really want me here then I have nothing. Nobody.
I always knew my life would most likely end somewhere along the lines of how it will. But it being real feels weird. It feels like things are supposed to be different.
I just hope she was right about what she used to say… She used to always tell me we'd find our way back to each other even if we were separated. She told me she thought we had been together in a past life and that was why I loved her so easily now. I'll admit that's definitely not the entire reason why I do but I do think it's possibly part of why. I know the real reason I fell for her so quick but having hope can't hurt in this case.
My only hope now is that reincarnation really is real and that souls really don't meet by accident. Maybe somehow some way the universe really will bring us back together and I'll get to be with her in a different life and finally have happiness and peace.
Sure my life has sucked even before all this. But I would gladly relive it all if it meant I could be with her in the end. She's all I really want.
This life is meaningless now though. That I can say with certainty. Nobody needs me here anymore. Nothing ties me down here anymore. The most I can do is hope there's another life after this one where we do get to be together…
Anyway, that's besides the point. Everything already started to feel meaningless when she first said she didn't care about me. But I was still living in a happy little delusional bubble at that time and I was in denial. I was convinced I could change her mind and that I would change her mind. That if I moved closer to her (she's French I'm Canadian) maybe things would be okay and work out. I thought distance was the only problem. Or at least the main problem.
Then more recently I fucked up again and ended up sending her a ridiculous amount of texts, even writing some of them in French just to make a point. (I generally don't like writing in French and she knows that so I figured if she saw me writing in French she'd realize I was actually serious cause there's no way I'd do that just for the hell of it). After that she said if I ever did anything like that again she wasn't giving me any more chances. That if I did anything like that again she'd block me everywhere and that would be the end of us talking forever.
That definitely scared me and I sort of realized I had no choice anymore. It was either do what she asked or never talk to her again and there was no way in hell I was about to pick the latter. We settled on "rules" about me texting her. I've been following those rules and I have no issues with them. Though I definitely miss how things used to be and how happy she used to be talking to me…
Last night everything finally caught up to me. I realized nothing is ever going to be okay between us. I realized she's never going to care about me. And what happened today just solidified that fact.
After I realized all that last night I spent a while looking at screenshots of messages she had sent me telling me that if I were to commit it would hurt her and that she'd feel like it was her fault. The only reason I hadn't even attempted yet was because I didn't want to leave her with that guilt. No matter how much I know it wouldn't be her fault: She wouldn't know that. And I can't do that to her.
Around midnight last night I sent her a suicide note. I sent a text with that note saying not to worry too much unless I disappeared for over 48 hours because I didn't want her to worry for no reason if I'd fail. Long story short I didn't commit last night (obviously) or try to. I went to bed not long after I sent the note because I didn't want to hurt her like that. The only problem being that I sent it on an app that doesn't let you delete messages after they've been sent.
She didn't read the message until late this afternoon. I hadn't sent anything clarifying I was okay because I'm gonna be honest I was slightly curious how she'd react to that. But then she left that message on read… I sent another clarifying that I was okay not too long after and she hasn't read it. She's been active on Twitter a fair amount since then so she's been on her phone. She's not just busy like I first tried to tell myself she was.
All today has done for me is solidify the fact that if I died she wouldn't care. It wouldn't affect her. She may claim it would but it wouldn't. For all she knew I could've been dead since last night and she didn't care. Not even one word of concern. Nothing. Not even fake sympathy at the least.
I've wanted to go to Paris to commit for a while. I was putting off that date until next year because I wanted to give time for things to potentially change. But I know they won't now. Death is the best thing for me and doing it in a city nicknamed "the city of love" feels fitting. I still feel like she'd blame herself. But honestly if she went on after reading that note not caring at all… And she had no way of knowing nothing had happened… She wouldn't care if it was real.
My death would mean nothing to her. It'd just be another day like any other. I hate to admit it but it's true. I can't deny it with solid evidence of it like what happened today. She's the only thing I stayed for. If even she doesn't really want me here then I have nothing. Nobody.
I always knew my life would most likely end somewhere along the lines of how it will. But it being real feels weird. It feels like things are supposed to be different.
I just hope she was right about what she used to say… She used to always tell me we'd find our way back to each other even if we were separated. She told me she thought we had been together in a past life and that was why I loved her so easily now. I'll admit that's definitely not the entire reason why I do but I do think it's possibly part of why. I know the real reason I fell for her so quick but having hope can't hurt in this case.
My only hope now is that reincarnation really is real and that souls really don't meet by accident. Maybe somehow some way the universe really will bring us back together and I'll get to be with her in a different life and finally have happiness and peace.
Sure my life has sucked even before all this. But I would gladly relive it all if it meant I could be with her in the end. She's all I really want.
This life is meaningless now though. That I can say with certainty. Nobody needs me here anymore. Nothing ties me down here anymore. The most I can do is hope there's another life after this one where we do get to be together…
.
