Venting everyone failed me

[wristcutangel]

the most important person in my life ended up being just as worthless as everything else, and on her way out, she's only further shown me how absolutely and utterly alone i am. i know i've always been alone, i think if somebody loved me then maybe i could put up with the hand life has dealt me. no matter if i'm treated as a subhuman pig with no rights, no matter if i can't step outside, if i don't even have the right to decide whether i should wear anything at all, the right to marry who i want, the right to speak the right to anything anything anything if i just had a single person who loved me i'd be happy and i thought she did. she even told me to live for her, and i took her seriously. isn't that laughable? i thought if of all the people in the world, if someone were to understand me, it would be her and yet she didn't even care. haha. the person who i lived for doesn't even care. what am i even living for now? absolutely nothing.


everyone i know can see me deteriorating. i haven't properly talked to anyone in over a week. i haven't gotten up from bed all day. i've been living off of food i had yesterday evening and yet nobody in my life cares. they're not even bothering with trying to pretend anymore and honestly i think they'd rather that i really do die. they'd constantly say prolife bullshit if i tried to ctb but i feel like right now i could shoot myself in the same room and nobody would bat an eye. i've been gripping this knife for hours yet i'm too terrified to actually plunge it in my throat because i know with my rotten luck i'll survive and lose what little human rights i have left but if i could get a guarantee i'll die i wouldn't even think twice. maybe i should just do it already. i think that ending this misery would be worth the risk