Venting Everyone around me is struggling and I'm struggling too much to help them myself. Maybe if I wasn't here it would be one less thing to worry about.

[StarMaiden]

I am a 26 year old unemployed autistic female. I think I appear more "high functioning" than I am so people aren't understanding at all. My parents died when I was young so I ended up being raised by my Grandparents, then my Grandpa died when I was 15 so it was just me and Grandma. Now my Grandma is 90 and she's borderline bedridden and needs a lot of attention and home care. I have been extremely depressed for as long as I can remember. I am a shut-in and have social anxiety maybe even some level of agoraphobia. I rarely leave the house and I can barely take care of myself most days or even get out of bed so I'm not very good at taking care of my Grandma. Our relationship has never been very good as she mistreated me a lot during my preteen and teen years, due to not understanding my autism, she often acted like she hated me and said terrible things. It's hard to even muster up the motivation to care for someone I don't have a good relationship with but I swear I do everything I can even if it's just little things like bringing her tea or unloading the dishwasher.

Basically my older cousin moved in some years ago and helps take care of my Grandma but she is also a single mother of a misbehaved 6 year old.
I can't imagine how stressful this must be for her. But I can feel and tell she resents me for not being of more help. (she complains to my grandma and a family friend who have told me about it- one of them called me selfish) I can also just feel it and it weighs on me so much. She just thinks I'm lazy and good for nothing.

I already feel so useless and worthless but I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm already at my limit. I see no future for myself, everything is so bleak and dark. I think about suicide everyday and self harming is how I cope. I've already come up with a plan so I would just need to get supplies.

I hate myself for not being able to do more. I just feel dead inside already and I can't make that feeling go away and I'm not sure it ever will.

The only thing that I'm holding on for is the fact that when my Grandma dies I may receive a small inheritance. It won't be anything substantial or life changing but I've been thinking I could give that money to someone I care about who needs it and then go through with my plans, at least then I will have done something useful.

 

[expiredfckmeat]

I'm sorry. It's real hard to take care of people, but being unappreciated makes it so much harder. I hope things get better for you, whichever way you want them to (not how someone else wants).

 

[Riu]

I don't really know what to say, but I know that you are worth a lot more than you believe.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really tiring being trapped in that situation, I guess that after all other people will never be able to understand what you go through as they cannot experience life the same way, but people like that do sound insensitive. But anyway I wish you the best, life really is so cruel and to me it's awful how so much suffering exists in this world.

 

[NotHuman]

People don't understand me either. High-functioning enough to "appear" human, but women stay clear of me and men only interact with me when they want something from me. Even when I straight out tell people I'm autistic they're like "oh, you're very mild then". Cool thanks, I was worried my unending loneliness and general ineptitude and uselessness might be problematic, but just mildly, I guess.

I am lucky to have very supportive parents who don't even see me living with them at over 30 years old as an issue , though I certainly don't deserve them. With my worsening chronic pain I can't even help around the house. I'm honestly surprised that more people don't find me completely unbearable.

I'm sorry.

 

[SantasHelper]

I relate to you so much. I am 20 autistic female and I struggle with social anxiety. A lot of people like to paint me as lazy or weird or whatever— not many people. Know I'm autistic until I tell them.

I grew up taking care of my nieces and nephews and being told I'm selfish because I want time/money to myself, since I was 6 years old I've taken care of people. I also have to take care of my mom when she gets surgeries and stuff bc of her health problems, and our relationship isn't good but it's been improving here and there (she is bipolar so some days she hates me and some days she doesn't)

So I know exactly how you feel. Dark and sad and there's no future. Like nobody cares cause you're too busy to care about them.

 

[StarMaiden]

I relate to you so much. I am 20 autistic female and I struggle with social anxiety. A lot of people like to paint me as lazy or weird or whatever— not many people. Know I'm autistic until I tell them.

I grew up taking care of my nieces and nephews and being told I'm selfish because I want time/money to myself, since I was 6 years old I've taken care of people. I also have to take care of my mom when she gets surgeries and stuff bc of her health problems, and our relationship isn't good but it's been improving here and there (she is bipolar so some days she hates me and some days she doesn't)

So I know exactly how you feel. Dark and sad and there's no future. Like nobody cares cause you're too busy to care about them.

I think calling someone selfish in general is such a strange insult. Especially from parent to child. We are human, inherently we have selfish desires, of course we do. To expect another person to only want and act upon what /you/ want them to, is some twisted sort of narcissism I can't wrap my head around.

 

[expiredfckmeat]

I think calling someone selfish in general is such a strange insult. Especially from parent to child. We are human, inherently we have selfish desires, of course we do. To expect another person to only want and act upon what /you/ want them to, is some twisted sort of narcissism I can't wrap my head around.

My head is all kinds of twisted from trying to understand that, people wonder why I don't talk to my parents anymore and I'm just like *shrugs*...