kalashnikova
Member
- Nov 2, 2024
- 35
It's like all I've been thinking about for as long as I can remember is suicide. I fantasize about it everyday and I am so jealous of the people who were able to succeed. I personally know of someone who was friends with my online friends and she shot herself the way I wanted to. I'm so jealous because it seemed like she had a great life, great wealthy parents that loved her, a loving family, yearly vacations and so much more but no, she was ungrateful and decided to die. I barely even had any of that, I lived a life of isolation and trauma.
Anyway I was very excited to CTB a couple of months ago because I had the opportunity to do so and then it went all down the drain because I had to give my $ away to my mom.. now I'm back to square one with no money to even CTB. I am so tired of having to wake up everyday, I dread the days now because all I do is spend them at home in my room either getting high, listening to music, doomscrolling, and watching films. I have no friends to go out with because I cut off my last 2 friends out of my life due to them being fake and now I'm lonelier than ever because I don't have a job and I'm not in school. I've been wanting to die ever since I was a little girl and now I'm 20 and I STILL want to die. Nothing has ever changed. I took medication from the age of 13 up until last year and now I'm off meds and I'm sure that is making me worse but it's okay. I wish I could just destroy my life, I really get the urge to. My parents and others probably think of me as a failure because I don't have a job right now, they just don't understand the job market is bad. I don't want to be apart of a system that expects you to work all your life, pay taxes, retire and then die. I was never meant for a normal life. Why is it so wrong of me to NOT want to participate within this society? It's like I'm trapped and I can't get out of here. I never felt like this world was for me, never felt like I belonged anywhere, always felt like I belonged in another dimension. I really don't know when the next time I'm going to have the opportunity to CTB will be.. but I'm hoping I can do it before I turn 21. I just worry that I will fuck it up and become brain dead but I'm sure a huge slug and 12 ga will completely kill me.. I hope. I swear to god I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I'm going to fuck it up, I really don't want to end up a vegetable! I wonder if people who shoot themselves feel the impact for a few seconds or not, I wonder if I will instantly die and if I will go to where I want to go. I really hope I can do it soon.
Anyway I was very excited to CTB a couple of months ago because I had the opportunity to do so and then it went all down the drain because I had to give my $ away to my mom.. now I'm back to square one with no money to even CTB. I am so tired of having to wake up everyday, I dread the days now because all I do is spend them at home in my room either getting high, listening to music, doomscrolling, and watching films. I have no friends to go out with because I cut off my last 2 friends out of my life due to them being fake and now I'm lonelier than ever because I don't have a job and I'm not in school. I've been wanting to die ever since I was a little girl and now I'm 20 and I STILL want to die. Nothing has ever changed. I took medication from the age of 13 up until last year and now I'm off meds and I'm sure that is making me worse but it's okay. I wish I could just destroy my life, I really get the urge to. My parents and others probably think of me as a failure because I don't have a job right now, they just don't understand the job market is bad. I don't want to be apart of a system that expects you to work all your life, pay taxes, retire and then die. I was never meant for a normal life. Why is it so wrong of me to NOT want to participate within this society? It's like I'm trapped and I can't get out of here. I never felt like this world was for me, never felt like I belonged anywhere, always felt like I belonged in another dimension. I really don't know when the next time I'm going to have the opportunity to CTB will be.. but I'm hoping I can do it before I turn 21. I just worry that I will fuck it up and become brain dead but I'm sure a huge slug and 12 ga will completely kill me.. I hope. I swear to god I'm constantly worrying about whether or not I'm going to fuck it up, I really don't want to end up a vegetable! I wonder if people who shoot themselves feel the impact for a few seconds or not, I wonder if I will instantly die and if I will go to where I want to go. I really hope I can do it soon.
