Venting Every time I go to a job interview I feel like ctb

[BlueButterfly111]

I feel like they can tell I'm autistic, and I answer the questions the best that I can, but the look on their face says it all. It was a woman and a man and she basically said at the end that if I don't get the job to keep continuing my job search. I feel like she most likely isn't going to hire me, because that's what the last person said that they were going to call me last week and never did.

When I was walking out of the door it was like she had a little smirk on her face. I feel like they were probably going to be laughing about me and talking about how slow and dumb I was after I left. I've experienced that type of bullying and ostracization my whole life, so I could tell what was happening…. I came back to the car and started sobbing, but then I just remembered that I can always ctb and that's the only thing that made me feel better.

I don't know why I'm still alive, I'm trying to find myself help and support, but I have to wait until I get insurance, I need it asap. I told myself that I am going to try hard this year to get help, so I can at least experience some peace and independence in life before I ctb, and if not then I will ctb at the end of this year. But honestly I wouldn't be surprised if nothing ever gets better and honestly would be okay because I don't belong in this world anyways, and I can go be with my dead boyfriend…. :(